Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

She is actually a mother of 3 not 2.

Gosh you have my pity. What an awful life you must lead or what a horrible experience you must have had giving advice like that. Talk about a mountain out of a molehill. Most people are good people with pressures and we all have off days.

Did you read the OP?

any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again

He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

There are more but you can read them yourself.

Absolutely agree with some of the points you made here, but OP was off work and her husband was working.
If we had a post where a woman said she was working from home, her husband was off and doesn't drive and he needed to bring the child to the doctor but she had to miss a meeting because he didn't make it clear he needed her to take him and not just a lift, he'd be eaten alive on this thread.

Why do you keep leaving multiple comments so pressed about this post? Either comment something constructive or go away

This.

I understand why a therapist would be thinking this way, and it could very much be true, but my God.....a lot of women give so much grace, often too much grace, to their poorly behaved partners because of their childhood issues or traumas.

Yes, some things are down to someone's upbringing, but certain personality traits are genetically inherited.

A lot of people are very reasonable when things are going smoothly, and their way OP (including some truly horrible individuals). The real test of someone's character is how they respond when things don't go their way, how they handle conflict, what they're willing to do improve their own lives for one thing, and the lives of people around them.

I don’t like labels and I’m not saying he’s on the extreme end of neurodiverse - but I do think he has neurodiverse tendencies. Probably ADD type tendencies.

Yeah if I was presenting to c suite and it had been planned for a month I couldn’t just rearrange this in a few hours for a non emergency. Because again a doctors appointment isn’t an emergency if the other parent is with the child, not working and it’s just the doctor. This comment may be perfectly fine for some but for a lot of people this isn’t how work works.

This was my spouse… then he started going to therapy to deal with his anger issues. It is like night and day and saved our marriage. I hope you can find something like that for your husband. I’m sympathetic because it was related to his family of origin (as it is for all of us) but it was something he needed to deal with (as we all do). Best of luck to you.

@Calmdownpeopleif a person genuinely can't change a meeting, then they should tell their spouse when the appt was made (ideally before) that X time is totally blocked out. Not agree to drive and then act like a twat about it. To me, it's perfectly obvious that if a sick child can't walk to the doctor's, the sick child can't walk home again either, but clearly Mr Big and Important doesn't need to concern himself with these details.

I do think a lot of posters are answering as if the OP made a decision not to drive out of laziness, rather than medical need. Being a parent means that sometimes your child is unwell at highly inconvenient times and getting stroppy about it is childish and mean and just puts everyone else under stress when no one has done anything wrong and they don't deserve to be yelled at!

It must be very stressful living with a man who cannot/will not(?) deal with any change to his plans without a tantrum.

Thanks for the rude reply and making it personal while also swearing.

Rude is when you have a frustrated mum venting about having to manage children who need a gp with a husband who loses his shit every time something is unexpected or his wife hasn’t done all of his thinking for him laid out in one syllable words, while a random person makes up a completely imaginary scenario about c suite presentations to have a go at her for not sufficiently respecting his job. The fucking wasn’t at you personally but it was at the ridiculousness of your creative embellishment of a work meeting.

Jesus wept. Raise your standards, people. A man can't possibly be expected to take 30 minutes out of his day to care for his sick child??? What am I even reading?

He sounds like me. I have ADHD and it effects me really badly when I’m thrown off my normal routine

And then he would have to take an emergency half day.
Office working and the 9-5 have gone. It's only the old fashioned who are stuck in their ways about it.

Will people please stop Diagnosing and excusing bad behaviour, many men get flustered multitasking, it is mostly learnt behaviour from the men before and around them, years of watching women look after their needs.
He needs to cop on.

Instead OP is continually told she shouldn't disturb him when he is working. He offered to drive her.

They are conveniently ignoring his disgusting reactions.

They multitask at work fine.

My husband is similar. Mostly a great husband but with a tendency to catastrophise minor incidents. We have discussed at length in calmer times but his excuse is he can’t help it and is trying his best. We are now at the stage where I can suggest he is catastrophising and he’ll calm down somewhat (mostly).

I had one like this, when I had a go at him about his ranting and raving about similar occurrences he said ‘you’re my wife if I can’t rant to you who can I rant to?’ News flash his ranting escalated to throwing things in temper.

He sounds like my neurodivergent son, to be honest. Very frustrating to deal with, but I know he can't help the way he's wired. He's a lovely guy, heart of gold, runs his own business, but gets extraordinarily testy when things go off-piste, and has terrible communication skills when it comes to detailed plans. Might be worth exploring.

OFGS!

Do you realise that Ubers are not universal?

And that the OP has explained more than once?

I think I must be missing something here. Even my very mild mannered DH would be annoyed if I asked him for a lift somewhere during his work day without being clear what I actually expected. My DH would take us to the GP and wait willingly if he could fit it around meetings. But if he thought he was just dropping us and was going back for a meeting that would be very stressful to find out I expected him to stay.

You need to be better at communicating and have a back up plan for getting around if your DH is unavailable. A child’s doctors appointment should not require both parents to be off work to accommodate.

I hope your DD feels better soon.