Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

The best way to get the measure of a man is either say no, or be ill.

When you say he's okay 98% of the time is that because you are doing what he wants or doesn't care about but the 2% is when you say no?

And if it is… this family just be in a near constant state of tension drama and arguing!

He's utterly useless. Over time he'll get worse and you'll be bald from tearing your hair out.

On top of being useless he is also a nasty piece of work.

No taxi was going to collect us for a last minute very short journey, we don’t have Uber here either. They certainly wouldn’t hang around to wait for the appt to end and take us back.

I am normally the first in the "you have a Dh problem" queue, but I disagree. A child needing to go to the doctor, when one parent is already off for the day, doesn't require two parents to plan around it. It needs one parent deciding what is needed and can be accomodated and, if necessary, asking the other parent what they can/can't do to help.

It's a doctor's appointment, not a trip to the other side of the country for complex tests.

Sounds like the issue is his poor diary management. He forgot he had to drive you, or he forgot he had a meeting, and he ended up having to cut it fine or rearrange at the last minute. I would also get into an absolute tizzy at that (and indeed I have done, I'm awful for failing to take into account how long things take to do). I lose my cool because I'm angry at myself for being an idiot, mostly.

Some people keep a cool head in an emergency and others don't. You usually have some idea of which one your partner is before you marry them. DP and I often joke that he's the calm, capable one when the emergency is something extremely urgent and time-sensitive and requires action right now - but when there's a crisis that gives me time to think and plan a way out of it, I'm much better. We don't really consider these faults in each other.

The other easy possible solution would have been to request a call/video call appointment, explaining you don’t drive and daughter isn’t well enough to manage the walk. This would allow you to manage without any help. Maybe one to request another time if it comes up.

It is most likely learned behaviour. Do his parents flap too?
My DH used to get in a flap like this, as does his Dad, makes a mountain out of a molehill.

Similar to going in long drives, he would huff and puff.

I brought it to his attention how useless it was, also he looks like his Dad while he is flappy, I am not attracted to his Dad, i won't pussy foot his moods, he changed and is calmer, if he starts flapping, I'llgive him the side eye like a child.

Your DH needs more responsibility not less.

Hope DD will be better soon.

This would allow you to manage without any help. Maybe one to request another time if it comes up.
Yes, you must not upset DH. 😅
Tough for him.

I would put this situation down to poor communication from you both.
You said you needed a lift to the doctors, which he clearly didn't think meant to wait around and then bring you all back. If he is the driver it would have made sense for him to have taken DD on his own. So you should have said DD has an appointment at 1pm, you need to take her. He should then have pointed out the meeting (and as it is work you should have then looked at a taxi). I don't know why people think WFH means you can do what you want when you want.
It wasn't an emergency by the sounds of it, rather a pre booked appointment. Should you have been taking DD to it anyway as was ill? Could you have rearranged it for when she is better (unless I have misunderstood and you booked the appointment this morning because her illness that started today).

How often do you think he has to interrupt work to do the driving? I'd guess not very often. He just seems unreasonable and bad tempered. I hope he's not the OP's driving instructor.

Sounds like the issue is his poor diary management
OP has said it was a last minute journey so difficult to manage a diary.
I think in this scenario she is being unreasonable and the main issue is that she can’t drive and as a working person, I would be annoyed. But it maybe a case of the straw that broke the camels back for OP.

You can’t just interrupt work to do driving esp if you have things scheduled with colleagues, perhaps other companies. I know I can’t in my work and neither can my husband unless it was an emergency. This is not an emergency - the child has another parent with them that is not working. It’s arisen because OP can’t drive and it is very frustrating to be the only driver.

There are multiple threads on MN with women saying how people assume if they are wfh that they are just available for other things. They are not just as they would not be if in the office.

If it’s like other mumsnetters that don’t drive

they live very rurally
no pavements
unhappy marriage

How do others get to the GP or other urgent appointments if they don’t drive?

I don’t live very rurally, I live a 5 minute walk from a train station and bus route but they don’t go in the direction of the GP. I’m having lessons, the reason I haven’t done the test yet is basically because I’m a type 1 diabetic and my diabetes has only become stabilised enough to do it since getting the closed loop

Just ignore.
MNETTERS putting the boot in unnecessarily.

I’ve taken the kids to and from A&E by taxi. The A&E is a 25 minute drive so generally they’re happy to do it, as it’s about £30.

Does anyone here with a bitchy comment to say about us non drivers fancy chipping in a few quid for lessons for me then? It's not always a choice ffs

Thank you

I get myself to work, to the shops, to the kids school, and usually the GP - walking there isn’t an issue. But DD is unwell and walking 15 minutes in the heat (it’s really hot today) up a hill would’ve really upset her - she has a temperature etc and is weak/tired

I think in this scenario she is being unreasonable and the main issue is that she can’t drive and as a working person, I would be annoyed. But it maybe a case of the straw that broke the camels back for OP.
Maybe OP should be annoyed too, her plans changed as DD get sick
As a parent plans change.
Furthermore I doubt this is the first time he acted like a disorganised child when a plan changed or emergency cropped up.

But he agreed and then later had to be reminded so I'm assuming there was a decent amount of time between those things - it was last-minute as in the OP booked it this morning rather than literally with no warning. And he shouldn't have agreed if it clashed with a meeting, or he should have rearranged the meeting earlier.

Regardless of the timeframe, I think it's a reasonable thing to get in a tizzy about. My basic point is that I don't think getting into a flap over emergencies is a huge character flaw. It's not ideal - I would love to be calm in a crisis! - but it is what it is. People have the characters they have.

Yes, I get this sometimes with my husband. It's extremely frustrating.
He doesn't deal with what I deem minor inconveniences well at all. Always an overreaction that stresses everyone else involved out far more than necessary and makes the situation worse than it needs to be.
But he normally sees that he was being unreasonable and apologises afterwards.
His whole family are like this, its learnt behaviour and unlearning is difficult.

If he was working, why didnt you just get a taxi?

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