Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

He sounds like a twat.

He's great until he actually has to be a partner to you and support you. Then he falls apart.

I would tell him it's a deal breaker. Either step up and support his family or fuck off. But then I do not have patience for that kind of thing.

‘Yes I know you’re learning but’ - how is that last part of your reply helpful??

Did you actually explain to him that you would need him to hang aroudn and watch the toddler? I mean, realistically, if you asked him for a lift there, I can see why you thought it was obvious you would need a lift back (I'd still have specified that myself), but I honestly don't think ti's weird that he didn't realise he'd have to look after the toddler.

This is classic abusive behaviour OP.

Because you know he will do this, you do everything you can to avoid 'triggering' him.

It's manipulative and a very damaging environment to raise kids in. Are you aware of this? Are you going to raise the children to tip toe around him as well?

This is a fair summary I would say, but the GP appointment was for her current illness and not planned in advance. We phoned this morning and were offered the 1 appointment with no flexibility

My XH would go into meltdown whenever something wasn't going to plan. Kitchen sink not draining, he's running around stressing (I mean total hysteria) about getting a plumber & worrying about how much it's going to cost. I suggest getting the plunger out - he would say that all the time wasted trying useless plunger would only mean a plumber would charge more the later into the evening it got. Guess what? Yes, the plunger cleared it.

No hot water - Him: OMG we're going to need a new boiler, how much is that going to cost? How will we manage without hot water? I say have you checked that the pressure hasn't dropped? Yes, he'd bled the radiators earlier that day, taken too much water out of the system & the pressure had dropped. Simple job to fix that.

Apparently he was the same at work - they would make jokes about him spending 20 minutes telling people how he didn't have enough time to complete a 10 minute task and would go into a complete spin if asked to cover a job that he wasn't expecting to cover.

I honestly don’t think he’s being manipulative. It’s hard to show a full view of somebody’s personality when you’re talking about a single thing which pisses you off. He’s never actually raised his voice to me, he’s very generous financially, he definitely sees himself as an equal parent and I’m really not a ‘put upon mum’ who is the default caregiver. I go away for the night or a weekend a few times a year and he’s happy to look after the kids, and vice versa.

It’s hard to describe but it’s like he honestly believes everyone else lives very smooth lives and we’re the only ones with this level of disruption, and that nobody else has ever had to cancel a meeting due to a sick child etc - a classic case of ‘everyone else looks like they have their shit together and we don’t’. That and very poor communication. His family are similar

As you weren’t working I think you should’ve got a taxi. My ex husband didn’t drive and it meant that it was always my problem to get the children somewhere. It’s exhausting.

He shouldn't act the way he did after agreeing to give you a lift. On the other hand, I'd probably be annoyed if my partner who isn't working can't sort out bringing our child to the doctors without interrupting my work day. I think you should've communicated your expectations that he would need to drive you both back and he should've communicated it if it was too busy at work so you could make alternative arrangements ie cab/uber

In reply to the title, DH is great in an emergency but can be a little severe at other times. If he was at work he would not be involved in the appointment at all, if I was at work and he was off I wouldn't be involved. I agree with the posters who say this isn't an emergency, important but not an emergency. No one should be flappy or expecting a rescue from someone else IMO.

My DH doesn't cope with changes to routine or complex planning at short notice. I suspect he has ADHD but that's not really the point. I have a mix of coping mechanisms ranging from: shouting at him to suck it up, to getting on with it and then calmly telling him what I expect from him, in detail.

It's reasonable to be irritated that he can't manage this stuff. But I still think you are being unreasonable in this instance and could have communicated better.

Yes mine was the same. Culminating in calling me horrific names in the car after a cancer diagnosis. In front of our child.

There’s really no excuse. I had to leave and am much happier without the needless added stress and abuse

YES DH is the same!!!! He spends so much time ranting and raving when something goes wrong, that calmly looking for a solution (starting with the least laborious and most simple one) doesn’t occur to him. I could’ve written this myself. It’s so draining, but not LTB as like I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

This 100%!

I can’t just stop work - I’m working at home all day. If I had to because I had an ill child then that’s different. If DH was off and needed me then he’d have to take his chances - and he’d need to organise a GP call in between my work calls if I was needed

Taxi? He sounds stressed.

I think you are minimising.

Ranting, swearing and throwing objects is aggressive. Would he do that in front of his boss?

Also, he is blaming you.

Oh good grief. I’m sorry to hear that. DH wouldn’t do this - I was admitted for a serious illness a few years ago, and when the shit really hit the fan he was calm and empathetic. So I know he can do it.

Yes I was going to say she should have got a taxi if he was working. If he was in the office she would have.

No but then I don’t treat him how I treat my boss, I think it’s a false comparison. I think people will always blow off steam a bit more around people they know well, it’s just when it becomes disproportionate and unhelpful.

Explained why I couldn’t below

This just sounds like a normal stressy family situation when things are a bit hectic. He’s working. You’re not. One kid off poorly, one is two, you don’t drive, it’s sweltering hot, he’s got back to back calls at work.

If he’s like this for two percent of the time I really wouldn’t worry. Jesus I swear under my breath all the time. It was a misunderstanding and it’s difficult for him as he is working. My husband would be the same. I get it. Young kids are stressful. When one is off ill, the stress ramps up, when one parent HAS to work it ramps up, when the working parent is expected to work and taxi the family it just gets too much. But by tonight all will be well again.

Just normal family life in my opinion. Surely everyone has days like this. I’d think he was a drip if he said ‘don’t worry about my call at 2pm I’ll just hang round the doctors until you’re done darling, let me work around you and only you.’ You both have a lot on your plate, just call each other a fucking idiot, kiss and make up.

I think this might not be a great example
as I think neither of you behaved well. I’d absolutely assume he was dropping all of you off as you said the walk uphill was the problem so it would be downhill on the way back. I wouldn’t assume someone would be working and looking after a toddler if I was off work. There were just a lot of assumptions made so I think you both failed here. But if this is just one example of many of course it’s different.

I do have sympathy with this. It's catastrophising. Dh's entire family has this tendency. DH has got much better - not least because I've laughed at him a few times as he's been in a spin about something so ridiculous. Examples between him, his siblings and his parents include (just off the top of my head):

SIL being absolutel FURIOUS with me because I wasn't panicking and refusing to let DS leave the house alone after there was a report of an attempted abduction in our area (of a much younger child, by a family member, that was thwarted).

FIL melting down because I took my engagement ring to be resized at an extremely reputable, upmarket jeweller that my family have been using for years in case they stole the (normal sied, not particularly large) diamond in my ring.

SIL and DH melting down because those small windows that are too small for a person were left open in their flat (1st floor) in case crack addicts, "who will do anythign for a fix" somehow found a way to get up to the top of the first floor and then a way to wriggle through those windows or use them to access other windows and then got into the house.

DH convinced he was going to die because the doctor's office sent him a message saying that one of his blood results was inconclusive and they'd like him to please come in for a new test (spoiler - chat gpt made it clear it's common for this test to be inconclusive and, shock horror, DH's test was completely fine after).

It is relentless. So I am sympathetic.

My mum doesn't drive so up until we were around 5-6 yo, if we were too unwell to walk the 20 mins to the doctor's she'd take us in the pushchair - we loved it!

I did offer to take DD in the buggy and leave DS behind so at least he could be ‘online’ and explain his toddler was watching TV in the background (and before anyone starts no, he doesn’t watch TV all day!), but he said no he would drive us.