Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

What would you have done if he wasn’t at home?

Maybe he has a stressful job and gets flustered when anything else clashes with it.

Exactly

the crux of the thread isn’t the issue of getting to the doc

it is how the dh behaves at this slight derailment of plans and according to the op always behaves like this in any minor crisis

and the OP’s dogmatic view that aside from this teeny tiny small issue, everything is rosy

If it is just 3 mins there and back I agree- not a biggie. Don't get why you insisted he wait for you though. Easier to let him go back to work, you call for p.u. later. So that bit is on you to consider amending. And if you want to go deeper I think no need to look further than the one respondent who picked up on his parents and childhood. Your post rgds how his family respond to things is very telling -massively over controlling. If he is over reacting to unexpected events at work as well you could maybe use those to support him in discussing some short therapy to make him more self aware that this is a damaging trait professionally?

Back to the office with ye! Aye those old fashioned paramedics and nurses.

Exactly this.

To all those saying he should be prepared to take time off for a sick child - HIS WIFE WAS OFF WORK.

HE OFFERED TO DRIVE THEM. Then acted like a buffoon.

He offered to give them a lift. Not wait around looking after a toddler until the appointment was finished.
HE WAS WORKING! He had meetings to attend. And presumably work to be doing in between those meetings.

I think we may be married to the same man.. 😳

Boarding school says it all ....any misalignment of the expected routine can cause panic/fear ....its a default ingrained thing from years of the consequences (unreasonable) of getting it wrong and the endless implication of "being a failure" ( a classic example would being a failure if late for a meeting!!) Talk it through with him re his default response.

Also maybe plan out the solution plus communicate ALL needs when first asking. Eg

I really need a lift to the Drs AND back from the Drs as walking is too much for DD today
Please can you give us a lift both ways. If you have a meeting arranged can you rearrange it or could you take your tablet with you and sit in the car?

....

Ie present solutions as part of the request which is a clear alternative to his default expectation of being a failure etc

He shouldn't offer then. He knew he was working but OFFERED to help.

That is so sad that you are also lumbered with a buffoon.

It doesn't matter that the OP was not working - she couldn't drive the child who was too unwell to walk. On this occasion, she needed his help and as a parent, he's lucky she was home to look after said child and he didn't have to rearrange his whole day to look after her himself! He's got off lightly really, child will probably be better on his day off.

What a nasty comment to make! Would you say that to someone in real life?

Work comes first in this situation. You are needy. You should have booked a taxi.

Is DH nuero divergent?