Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

Sorry your DH is like this.
My dad can be like this, totally catastrophes situations especially when it’s something out of his ordinary day. My mum also can’t drive due to medical reasons and funnily enough it was situations like you were in today with needing last minutes lifts etc that would get his back up the most.
But honestly don’t get some of the shitty comments from some posters. I don’t think it was unreasonable at all for your DH to give you a lift, when your kids are ill you’re a team, my DH also has a tendency to expect work interruptions due to sick kids to just fall on me with no questions asked, his work rarely suffers but mines has.
ps good luck with driving test when it comes!

Equally a grown adult ought to be able to find their own way a mile down the road when their spouse is working....

My hubby (ASD) likes his routine too but cannot cope, like OP's husband, when things are outwith that routine.
Also dislikes spontaneity and great at organising stuff for himself but pants at family organisation.
Not saying OPs husband is on the spectrum either but some of it does fit.

I understand OP. My husband is not perfect but I am not either and I love him loads. Sometimes he does my nut in for similarly getting flustered. Also he doesn't communicate as well as he should. I have no advice but I offer you my solidarity.

He sounds like a spoilt brat….

Although what would you have done if he wasn’t at home? Was there nobody else that could have given you a lift? Got a bus? Taxi?

Would the taxi take the you ger child without a car seat?

Or would the H have thrown a hissy fit about having to parent while the older child was taken to the doctor?

Yes so they can take a half day to go to a Dr's appointment

could you not have popped her on your shoulders whilst ds went in the buggy

Ridiculous🙄

My DH has ADHD and acts the same way if something doesn’t go to plan. He struggles with executive function. It could definitely be something to look into

Are you the person normally responsible for things going right?

Are you the person carrying extra tissues, plasters, snacks, water, looking up nice outings and checking the weather and making sure everyone has appropriate footwear and uses the loo before you leave?

You mentioned T1 diabetes - yours or a child's condition? Who manages that?

How can you say he's not abusive when he swears and rants when things go wrong and and blames you for not knowing what he's thinking?
I know why you think it's okay because I deal with similar but it's not okay.

I would snap back at him - at the moment he can swear and get angry and throw a paddy and there’s no negatives for him -he is dumping his annoyance on you and you are attempting to reason with him - he just wants to dump it all on you -stop letting him.

He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant

I'm afraid he's neurotic. My sympathies. This is often made worse by an angry sense of entitlement that everything goes smoothly all of the time, and God forbid if it doesn't.

Some people never bother to self-sooth or regulate their emotions because they've always had a mother figure in their live to bash.

This is one of the most basic things to avoid in men as it makes them incredibly stressful to co-parent with. Emotionally, I actually don't think they're cut out to be parents because they can't cope, or don't want to cope with the unpredictable events that come along with that. The other person gets sucked into that, and as you've found out, you end up soothe them as if they were a toddler instead of a partner.

Any change in behaviour will be all down to him. He has to want to change, but they often don't, even if it causes them a lot of stress, because they feel their anger and catastrophising is reasonable. I'm afraid he's likely to get worse as he gets older, to prepare yourself.

This seems like a lack of communication from both sides. Yes, he should have said ‘I can give you a lift but I have to be back for a meeting at 2’, but equally you should have made it clear that you were expecting him to look after DS while you were in the drs.

What I really don’t understand here though is why all four of you were making the trip. If you were expecting DH to drop work to ferry you around, why not ask him to take DD to the dr while you stay at home with DS?

@Digdongdoothe op has a sick child who cannot walk there. No taxi is going to drive her a mile down the road!

Couldn’t you get a taxi/uber if he was working?

Don’t be silly,

He sounds quite annoying. But if I knew my partner was like this I wouldn't be asking them for lifts a mile up the hill. I'd be getting a taxi.

The thing that matters is that your sick kid gets to the doctors. So I'd just remove him from the equation as he clearly isn't going to be remotely helpful.

Does he have a personality disorder? Or anxiety? I'd say he could do with therapy or medication to manage his issues. But that would be him having to agree he needs it.

Not that you haven't every right to be pissed off at his antics.

Yes, 2. Probably viral but a nasty one.

You’ll be pleased to know I found my own way to the pharmacy to collect the meds!

I laugh because my husband can get seriously stressed out with small stresses, but if there was a true catastrophe or emergency he is the person you want around as he then slips into "police" mode. Our house just massively flooded this week, major damage throughout and we've just laughed about (because what else can you do) but lose the TV remote and he's losing his mind and shouting about nothing ever being put away properly.

However, if our kid was sick and needed driving to the Dr's, my husband would have moved hell and high water to get her there and back with as little exertion from her as possible.

Asked and answered

Because I don’t see swearing and ranting when stressed as abusive unless it’s a personal attack or downright nasty. Everyone has to let their stress out somehow, I just wish he would keep a lid on it or keep it proportionate when needed

Sounds like an LTB situation to me.

I'm sorry, but that doesn't make sense. I only live a mile away from my mam and dad's but get a taxi from their house all the time. Most taxi firms where I live are more than happy to go pretty short distances. Maybe they're different in cities or something.