Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

ODFOD

ODFOD

Well he's not a mind reader either then. She asked him to drop them to the doctors, not wait around, look after ds and drive them home again.... works both ways doesn't it?

Could always get a taxi?

@MattCauthon my mum is the same…. It’s exhausting. I know it’s her high anxiety. And I know she is trying to keep some control over it. But still…
The thing is, having grown up in that environment, I thought it was a normal way to react agd it took me a long time to unlearn that.

@Nunaluna if your dh is like that, then the best you can do is to ignore him and his stress.

This.

It's ironic that people are criticising the husband for being a catastrophiser who blows things out of proportion when that's exactly what they're doing.

Sometimes a stressful situation doesn't need to be medicalised, blame doesn't need to be apportioned, and people's characters don't need to be fixed. We all have flaws and this is his. There are ways to work around it (being more organised, communicating better) but they're not going to put those in practise if it becomes a blame game over whose character flaw is worse.

My husband is like this. Fantastic in an ACTUAL emergency situation but has little resilience over life's small mishaps.

We don't have kids though, so I just roll my eyes and let him get on with flapping.

Well to some extent (in this particular instance) it is! He was working…OP could have arranged a lift elsewhere or booked a taxi. I’d be pretty pissed off if I was working and another, perfectly able, adult demanded that I stopped and drove her a
mile up the road. I know the child was sick, but there are alternatives she could have used.

HOWEVER…how he behaved (behaves) is not acceptable and this would also piss me off. He had agreed to take them after all 🤷‍♀️

I guess I’m saying, I can see both sides to this. Communication is key…as is taking responsibility for your own transport arrangements if you’re the ‘non-driver’ in a relationship.

I agree.
But I also dint think it takes a mind reader to know that if YOUR CHILD can’t walk one mile one way because they’re ill then they won’t be able to walk one mile back either! I’d have expected a father to have thought about that tbh.

Very different from a work schedule that the OP has no way of knowing.

I think he is being ott, but it is also really annoying to be working from home and have your OH behave as if you have the day off. Mine does it all the time and it drives me batshit.

He is actually meant to be at work. YABU.

It’s not about upsetting anyone but rather a pragmatic solution. If there is an alternative where no one’s work needs to be interrupted and poorly kids don’t need to be taken out of the house it’s a better option 🤷🏼‍♀️

But she knows he's at work? Presumably working... she's taking advantage of the fact that he can work from home. My dh doesn't and likewise my job isn't overly flexible, we both just cracked on and deal with it, real, actual emergencies aside, we wouldn't be asking each other to stop working. This isn't an emergency despite the OP declaring it one.

That's exactly what I always think.

Seems OP's his punching bag when he doesn't want to deal with things.

My DS was married to someone similar. She wasn't perfect, but this ground her down and she divorced him.

My husband doesn't have that problem but he definitely has a couple of things that drive me nuts, though he's great overall. Then again, I'm sure that goes the other way too. I guess all ya can do is keep trying to find ways to correct or minimize the areas you clash in and "grin and bear it" otherwise.

For ex. can you think of one thing to start doing right now, that you can do consistently, that will partly alleviate this? Either on your own or getting some kind of agreement on it from him. Good luck with it!

If he wasn't working from home, how would you have managed? It really doesn't need input from both of you to get to a GP 1 mile away. His reactions were immature, but he was working and you weren't. You should have made your own way there and back. I promise a taxi would have taken you.

IMHO, have your husband share his work calendar with you so you know whenever he has a meeting as it will automatically appear in your calendar.

Secondly, block out time to talk to him and mention how his stress reactions are unhelpful for you and the DC, as kids pick up on tension and this sets kids off even more.

Good luck OP!

This isn’t a LTB situation

It is actually unless you want to be run ragged for the rest of your life.

Kids are much more chilled in a chilled house.

Sorry to be that person but… ADHD? 🙄

Excusing bad behaviour on every bloody thread by armchair psychologists is tiring.

Unwell children need to be taken to the Dr and if the OP can't do it alone (for perfectly legitimate reasons), then the other parent has to. Even if he has to interrupt work - because this is what a parent does!
To me, it's perfectly obvious that when the OP told her husband that dd was too ill to walk, that automatically means they will need a lift home too.
The dh knew about this appt ahead of time - the onus was on him to rearrange any meetings/log off in good time.
Much of this is a problem of his own making because he didn't think about his children and the logistics at all and just assumed the OP would deal with it all, despite knowing why she could not!

In this instance I'd say you both just need to communicate better. He should have told you about the timing of his meeting and you should have told him you needed a lift back.

My company would be very unhappy with this! It would be a direct breach of our compliance regs.

Oh Fuck off!

why should wfh be impacted because this good for nothing dickhead can't manage his time and his anger?

She shouldn't have to manage his work calendar - a grown adult who holds down a job , can observe whether two commitments clash and rearrange accordingly!

All he had to do was engage his teeny weeny little brain to figure out a child so unwell she needed a same day appointment and a lift to the doctor's office wouldn't be able to walk a mile back home.

We expect far too little of men.