Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

Yes, you are.

Not necessarily wrong to offer, but if she doesn't want to that's fine too.

Meeting the groom's parents beforehand sounds like a good idea, and I'm not sure you need permission for that as long as you're not expecting her to do anything.

It’s perfectly normal to have both sets of parents meet before the wedding?
She should have been on that herself, not getting upset about it?

No, you're not. You are fully entitled to invite whoever you like for drinks or a get together at your house. You're not demanding that she's there. (I assume) so crack on.

I think it's strange that you haven't met his parents unless they live overseas and yes it would be nice to have a drink together before the wedding day.

As for inviting family around, they are in the area, of course you can so long as you've made it clear the bride and groom won't be there.

No, you’re not.

Did she give any reasons as to why she was upset. It’s hard to figure out who’s in the wrong when there’s no indication why she was upset about your proposals

I'm not sure if you're being unreasonable.

Are you expecting your daughter to come to the gathering on the day after the wedding?
She's probably got a thousand things to think about at the moment and this is one thing too many for her.

I don't see why she's bothered about your invite to her fiancé's parents though.

For what reason, though?

I don’t really understand why you would host a second event on the day after the wedding.

surely relatives will have chance to catch up at the wedding? They are mostly standing around and eating and talking.

inviting the grooms parents I suppose it up to you but I can’t imagine the groom and bride will have time to attend and the grooms parents might not want to. Potential for some serious difficulties there if you don’t get on.

I find it odd you haven't met his parents before now and think it would be nice for you and them to meet up but your plans are very much Queen Bee and look like you are overshadowing the bride, your daughter.

%3D

Why are you planning all these things a couple of weeks before her wedding, when she is busy and stressed? Just leave it and let her do things the way she wants to. It's not fair suddenly making last minute plans

i think yoru suggestions are reasonable, natural for her to be anxious at this point though

Can you tell me why? I asked her, I haven’t gone a head and invited anyone yet.

My SIL had a buffet lunch the day after for close friends and family, but the bride & groom were not there - they had left for their honeymoon.

She hosted at her own home, but had it catered and it was lovely. A chance to catch up.

If that is the sort of thing you want to do, I am not sure it’s up to your daughter. If however you want to extend the wedding ‘event’ then it is very much the choice of the couple.

Totally normal to meet the other parents.

Is there more to this than you've told us?

If you simply offered, why would she get very upset and tell you, you can do as you like?

It sounds to me as though she sees it as added pressure, but a simple 'No thank you mum' would be more fitting if there's nothing else to this?

On the face of it it’s very weird for her to be so upset at your offering of this so it really depends on how you brought it up and how your behaviour is normally. Personally I wouldn’t want to do a last minute thing the day before my wedding with parents, nor the day after simply because I would already have plans or thoughts for this time.
If you just offered with no pressure and she got angry and upset she’s obviously being unreasonable, if you’re being push then you are.

Can you quote people when you're answering please.
Click on the Quote button which is under every post.

Both very normal things to arrange and offer but maybe a little short notice, I’d assume she’s stressed out and approach her on that basis rather than looking for rights and wrongs in what you’ve asked her about.

I don't think there's anything wrong with offering, I especially think it might be nice to meet the grooms parents. I would say however after the wedding , based on experience, she may want the day after debrief with her friends as opposed to various family members. This has been fairly standard with regards to my group of friends.

You had the best intentions and she's probably just stressed.

yrs sorry it didn’t work first time. I meant HoppingPavlova.

In my family, it’s very very usual for the family to meet the following day for an ‘open house’. We all turn up at whatever time, have a brunch or lunch and discuss and laugh about the previous days events. B&G will attend. It’s usually held at the Bride’s family’s house but I’ve also been to a ‘day after debrief’ at a pub local to the wedding. They’re great fun!

So no, YANBU.

I think it was a lovely offer. She's being over sensitive imo.

Seems perfectly reasonable on both fronts to me.
My parents only met my in-laws for a quick drink the day before our wedding like that, before we went for our rehearsal, so it could be time limited.

They then hosted a party the next day for everyone who had travelled from out of the area in my family and invited my in-laws to join in (they declined as they needed to travel back to their home). It was lovely as it meant we could catch up a bit more with people we don't see all that often, chat about how the wedding had gone. It meant there was less pressure to try and talk to absolutely everyone at the wedding itself.

I think both of those events seem great, but I don't think the B&G would necessarily be expected to attend.

It is a bit odd you've never met his parents. My parents are the most unsociable people on earth, but arranged to meet DH's parents as soon as we were engaged.

I’m sure it’s just the stress of the day coming so soon. I thought I was being thoughtful. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to raise it again and add to her stress.its her dream wedding and I can understand she wants it to be perfect. But I’d realised that both ideas wer things my family have always done and thought she would love.