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Original poster

Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

237 replies

GuttedMOB · 28/04/2025 11:36

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 28/04/2025 13:19

Proudtobeanortherner · 28/04/2025 13:12

Why is being local relevant? It’s about being respectful and acknowledging that you are blending two families. In my opinion, it’s simple good manners.

Show quote history

Because being local or not is important for practical and logistical reasons.

My in-laws lived 4 hours one way, my parents lived 8 hours another. Good manners is irrelevant when distance is involved.

Calliopespa · 28/04/2025 13:25

GuttedMOB · 28/04/2025 11:42

Can you tell me why? I asked her, I haven’t gone a head and invited anyone yet.

None of what you suggested was odd op.

Your DD’s response sounds a bit OTT but she is clearly feeling anxious and these suggestions add layers of complexity I guess.

Truthfully I think it’s highly irregular she hadn’t arranged for you to meet the parents in advance. Perhaps she wants to just focus on the day not worry how you are all getting on at a drinks just before, which I can appreciate; but why hadn’t she done something sooner?

Brides can be a bit volatile. I wouldn’t take it personally, but equally would back off if she’s showing signs of volatility.

waterrat · 28/04/2025 13:29

I am currently helping a friend organise a wedding in my own town and have offered help with both things exactly as you describe here - to the 2nd one (offered my house to host before people leave on the sunday) she just said no thanks!

no big drama - I wonder if there is more to this than you have explained here?

waterrat · 28/04/2025 13:29

As you have laid it out there they are absolutely standard things to offer help with and she can just say no thanks or we already have plans. She is being strange but i wonder if there is more backstory? Or if she is really stressing?

Proudtobeanortherner · 28/04/2025 13:30

AthWat · 28/04/2025 13:16

You're not "blending two families". My decision to get married had nothing to do with either set of parents, and neither family has had anything whatsoever to do with the other since the day of the wedding. I and my partner have interacted with one another's family of course, but nobody else. This is far, far more common than you seem to think.

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I’m not you going to derail this thread so this is my last comment but the cohesion of society in general and the wider world relies on building bridges and being part of the wider community, In my opinion, marriages fall into this structure so it isn’t just about the bride and groom (in the vast majority of cases).
I’ll wait for the thread in a year or two when daughter and Son in Law are complaining that their parents aren’t interested in them/their children/the pot plants …….

Wimbleborg · 28/04/2025 13:40

OP, I think your offer is reasonable, generous and thoughtful. If your daughter doesn’t want to show up the next day, that’s her prerogative, but I still think you should go ahead with your gathering. In my experience, there isn’t always enough time to catch up with family at weddings so it’s nice to meet up next day.

slamdunk66 · 28/04/2025 13:43

I think your offer to meet beforehand is lovely as is the day after but I think it’s weird to go ahead without the bride and groom being present.

Calliopespa · 28/04/2025 13:44

Proudtobeanortherner · 28/04/2025 13:30

I’m not you going to derail this thread so this is my last comment but the cohesion of society in general and the wider world relies on building bridges and being part of the wider community, In my opinion, marriages fall into this structure so it isn’t just about the bride and groom (in the vast majority of cases).
I’ll wait for the thread in a year or two when daughter and Son in Law are complaining that their parents aren’t interested in them/their children/the pot plants …….

Show quote history

I agree with this. It’s the abandonment of these attitudes that is resulting in a more fractured, unsupported society generally.

EcoChica1980 · 28/04/2025 13:53

I think a lot of people see the day after as part of the wedding plans, and couples want to curate that for themselves.

threenaancurrywhore · 28/04/2025 13:54

Personally, I hope it IS a formal debrief: a printed agenda, presentations from bride and groom’s families, action points and learnings for next time. Set some objectives. KPI the canapés.

BigDahliaFan · 28/04/2025 13:59

She's being daft. have you got anyone neutral - ish - who could bring it up with her. It's much nicer if people have met before the day. And a catch up after sounds great.

ttcat37 · 28/04/2025 14:00

What is she very upset about? What was her reason?
Did you ask her or tell her that’s what you were going to do? Are you an overbearing mother who feels that they have a right to be involved? Your username is ‘gutted’, why are you ‘gutted’? Because she’s said no to you organising a drink? I don’t get any of this.

PaperHatter · 28/04/2025 14:06

@AthWat Both my family and my ILs have come together every year for the children's birthday parties. We host a family one separate to any other party with their friends. Although the parents don't see each other in between they still do Christmas cards to each other. They are very different people but are lovely to one another when all together.

Cattenberg · 28/04/2025 14:07

I wouldn't have a problem with either of these events myself. But what are the B&G's plans for the day after the wedding? Are they off on honeymoon, (or going home) or are they hanging out at the hotel for an extra day? If it's the former, they shouldn't object to some of their guests socialising together after they've left. But if its the latter, then your plans could clash with theirs.

Similarly, with meeting the parents, are you expecting the B&G to come too? If this is just before the wedding, then they might just be too busy.

Cornishclio · 28/04/2025 14:12

I think meeting the grooms parents beforehand sounds good. As long as you aren’t expecting her to sort it out. If she is against the idea I would not push it. Hosting a post wedding event sounds unnecessary.

BigHeadBertha · 28/04/2025 14:18

GuttedMOB · 28/04/2025 11:36

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

From what you've said, first, it's been clear from the start that she doesn't want you involved in the plans. Therefore, I could see her not liking it when you asked to involve yourself anyway, before and after the wedding. However, I also notice she had no problem accepting a substantial amount of money from you for her wedding. I also note that you didn't just go ahead and make plans, you asked her first. And, your plans are nothing out of the ordinary.

I also think it seem a bit cold to only meet the groom's parents at the wedding. When they've come from overseas, a bit more hospitality would be very nice. But at least she's being "fair" by not giving them any consideration either haha.

And of course you don't need her permission to have family over the day after the wedding. Just tell them the bride and groom won't be there.

On her side, I could see her being very flustered, a couple of weeks before the wedding. Adding on more might have just been too much for her to handle graciously at this point.

She said she doesn't care if you go through with your plans but to not include her, so that's what I'd do. And take note of her attitude before offering her any money again. Of course we all hear about parents who offer money, then try to do everything their own way, but not offering to include you at all or share anything with you throughout the planning process? I'd say either the two of you have some unresolved issues or she needs to grow up and think of someone besides herself. Best wishes.

BankHolidayBonanza · 28/04/2025 14:20

Hosting a post wedding event sounds unnecessary.

it's pretty standard, I have seen them in pretty much all the weddings I've been invited to. It would be rather bizarre not to host guests who have travelled for a wedding, and not offer at least a brunch/lunch ? It can be as casual as you want it to be, even a BBQ but it's just normal for many people.

The bride could just say "no thanks mum", getting upset about it is a bit of an overkill.

CalleOcho · 28/04/2025 14:23

I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax.

Why do you need to debrief a wedding?

You’re in your right to invite and host a get together of both families - but not the day right after the wedding. At least wait a few weeks…. This sounds like you want to have some control over the wedding.

cardibach · 28/04/2025 14:24

I got married in 1993. We left for honeymoon straight after the reception, but my parents had a BBQ for family (both sides) the next day without us. We were a bit jealous! And then when my niece got married (about 10 years ago) her parents did the same thing, but she and the groom were there as they hadn’t yet left for honeymoon. Nobody at either wedding thought this odd, so I’d say it’s been pretty normal for a long time, with or without the couple attending.

cardibach · 28/04/2025 14:25

CalleOcho · 28/04/2025 14:23

I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax.

Why do you need to debrief a wedding?

You’re in your right to invite and host a get together of both families - but not the day right after the wedding. At least wait a few weeks…. This sounds like you want to have some control over the wedding.

’Debrief’ In inverted commas. A fairly common colloquial usage for a bit of a gossip after a big event.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2025 14:25

GuttedMOB · 28/04/2025 11:49

I’m sure it’s just the stress of the day coming so soon. I thought I was being thoughtful. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to raise it again and add to her stress.its her dream wedding and I can understand she wants it to be perfect. But I’d realised that both ideas wer things my family have always done and thought she would love.

Well, in terms of 'not being sure what to do', that depends on what other plans there are. If they're off on honeymoon anyway then do what you want. If they were planning on doing something chilled with a few people then don't, as your plans may clash.

It is up to you whether or not you meet his parents first, if you're not expecting anything of her then it is up to you.

But it really isn't a big thing if you don't do those things, if you think it is going to cause stress for whatever reason.

justasking111 · 28/04/2025 14:27

My family came from various places a long trip. We were off on our honeymoon so my family did use the occasion to enjoy a lunch the next day.

AthWat · 28/04/2025 14:31

Proudtobeanortherner · 28/04/2025 13:30

I’m not you going to derail this thread so this is my last comment but the cohesion of society in general and the wider world relies on building bridges and being part of the wider community, In my opinion, marriages fall into this structure so it isn’t just about the bride and groom (in the vast majority of cases).
I’ll wait for the thread in a year or two when daughter and Son in Law are complaining that their parents aren’t interested in them/their children/the pot plants …….

Show quote history

Two sets of parents, one living in Birmingham and the other on the Isle of Skye, not going to each other's birthday parties isn't going to derail social cohesion in the Western Hemisphere.

notgoig2careanymore · 28/04/2025 14:32

Pompompurin1 · 28/04/2025 12:34

Assuming that you have offered and not pushily railroaded your ideas through without her agreement, you are not being unreasonable

Agree .OP I think your suggestion sounds thoughtful.Any reasonable person would say ,"thanks Mum , lovely idea but a bit late now"

Hwi · 28/04/2025 14:33

Proudtobeanortherner · 28/04/2025 13:30

I’m not you going to derail this thread so this is my last comment but the cohesion of society in general and the wider world relies on building bridges and being part of the wider community, In my opinion, marriages fall into this structure so it isn’t just about the bride and groom (in the vast majority of cases).
I’ll wait for the thread in a year or two when daughter and Son in Law are complaining that their parents aren’t interested in them/their children/the pot plants …….

Show quote history

Bravo