Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

They live abroad and are staying in a hotel nearby.

In that case I think it would almost be odd if you didn't invite them.

Do you expect/want your DD to be at either of these events? If you don't then I don't see why she should get involved and you should take her at her word to do what you want. It doesn't impact her.

What's your relationship with your daughter like normally? Is this out of character?

I find it odd that some posters find it odd that both sets of parents have never met before.

Not everyone marries someone local.

My parents only met DH's family once - at our wedding. They lived at opposite ends of the country. My parents died before DD was born so they wouldn't have been able to meet at a christening either.

@GuttedMOB I think it is a lovely idea to meet the groom's parents beforehand. Will they know many people at the wedding? I cannot fathom why your DD would be upset. Is there a back story?

She doesn't want it and as it's hers and her fiance's wedding, you respect that.

@OoooopsUpsideYourHead but it isn't her wedding day. If the bride is too busy or doesn't want to attend then it's fine. Imagine turning up to a wedding when you have just flown in from abroad where you only know the bride and groom. It isn't much fun. If the bride's parents offer to host them the day before to get to know them and make them feel welcome I think that is a lovely thing to do.

This is a lovely idea. My parents hosted my FIL, BIL, close friends and family the day before our wedding. We had hot pot and drinks. It was informal and broke the ice before the formality of the big day.

Yup, standard for my family too. People are spread across Europe so those who don't have to leave will take the opportunity to spend some time together. It's a different vibe to the actual wedding and allows you to spend a decent chunk of time with a smaller number of people. Great for those of us from large and unwieldy families!

Guessing it’s because she’s already mentally planned out what she’s doing in the time slots you mentioned.
Suggestions feel like normal ones to me, it’s probably that it feels like late notice for more logistics for her. Will she even be around the next day? My DH and I went off on honeymoon the day after the wedding and lots of others took all the leftover food to the beach for a mega picnic. By all accounts it was a great day! But I didn’t mind, we weren’t there and were happy for people to just catch up without us.

I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc.

Why is this relevant?

Gifts should come with ribbons not strings.

I would be concerned that your DD is stressed and focus your efforts on that.

Neither of your suggestions are unreasonable and are very normal / expected in my experience. However your DD doesnt want to do this and its obviously causing her distress - so you should respect that. Drop the offers of hosting but try to soothe a stressed DD - which migh just be backing off.

If I wanted to invite my relations to my house, I would do so. Your daughter - stressed bride or not - doesn’t get to control your (or anyone’s) social life. I would give some thought to the timing: when my kids married, most guests stayed at the venue overnight, and the guests joined the newlyweds for breakfast the day after the wedding, so if there’s something like that, then just fit around it.

As for the groom’s parents: maybe they are horrible and your daughter thinks you won’t get on? One of my son’s father-in-law is a sexist wanker, whose (vapid financially dependent) wife colludes, and I’m delighted to spend as little time as humanly possible with them. However, see above on control of your own social life.

That’s quite normal. Well in my family it is. Irish/english. Day after our wedding we met up with family again to chill and talk about the day. Night before we had a family sing song and food. Also cousins weddings have followed same format.

Interesting that she hasn't included you in any of the wedding planning, do you have form for taking over and feeling like you make "better decisions". She probably feels that you're trying to "do your own thing" because her attempt at a wedding meets with your disapproval or her decisions are not to your taste.

Seriously your daughter has gone mad.
If you want to meet the lads parents and they want to meet you, go for it. The glorious pair are not obliged to come. And fgs if you want to meet up with your own family in the comfort of your own home the day after go for it. I'm not at all surprised you want to do this if family are not in your town very often.

I don’t see the problem with these things as long as you don’t expect the bride and groom to attend.

The last thing they need right now is more gatherings to think about.

It's a bit odd that you won't actually meet the groom's family before the day. You'll just have to go with it, but you're not being unreasonable. Her day, let her get on with it.

I still don’t understand how the conversation played out

‘I’ve made these arrangements’

<upset> ‘I can’t come’

How did that not lead into ‘you seem upset, tell me what’s wrong, I never would have organized something if I thought it would upset you, what is it?’

did she just like leave and you didn’t ask ? Have you not tried to check in - is it just sitting there, a big undiscussed issue?

Assuming that you have offered and not pushily railroaded your ideas through without her agreement, you are not being unreasonable

I really don’t know why people are being so hard on you! Both your suggestions are entirely reasonable, and quite normal, my parents did similar for both my and my brothers weddings. We had family who had to travel so it was lovely to meet up both before and after. Not sure why this would upset your daughter so much, it’s not as if she’ll have to do anything ?

It doesn't sound like your daughter needs to be at either of these events you are suggesting. And if the second one is with your family members, you are definitely within your rights to want to spend time with them while they are in town. Maybe she reacted this way out of stress and feeling some obligation to be present for these events. You are more than within your rights to offer to meet the parents of the groom before the wedding and neither bride nor groom needs to be there--it would be very strange not to. If you have relatives coming into town, it makes sense to offer to have them over at some point too. She doesn't need to be there for either one.

If she’s getting married in a couple weeks, it’s weird you haven’t met her future in-laws yet. My family lives in the US and Dh and I were long distance in different countries for years and ours had met at least a couple times before the wedding. My guess is not meeting them hasn’t been an oversight. Are they racist jerks? Are you? She probably doesn’t want to be involved in that drama with weeks to go.

Day after gathering, similarly it’s a kind offer, but if she said no, then go with her wishes. Maybe something casually will just happen if people want to meet for lunch or whatever the day after. We did have a day after drinks because lots of family had travelled from all over the world and probably wouldn’t see each other again for a few years. It was nice, but probably too much. I literally lost my voice by the end and was done. Dh and I went and had a meal at the local Indian restaurant alone in silence 😂 because neither of us could actually speak to each other, because we were so exhausted and because we literally did not have the ability to talk anymore! Maybe she realises it’s too much, which is fine, but feels pressured to attend anyway. If you make it not really a thing then it takes the obligation off her.

Sorry but I really don't think so. Your reaction seems a little OTT to me.

Absolutely agree. The last wedding I went to, there was an informal gathering the day after the wedding for anyone who had travelled and stayed over. Perfectly normal.

But neither of these plans really have very much to do with her. OP is perfectly entitled to make arrangements to meet the fiancé's parents, it's an absolutely normal thing to do, and she can make the arrangements without involving her daughter at all. As for who she chooses to entertain after the wedding when daughter has presumably gone off on honeymoon, that has even less to do with daughter. No bride can expect to micromanage her parents' social life even if it is over the period around the wedding.

Surely if you want to host your rellies the next day for a catch up you just do so on the understanding that B&G won't be there?

She’s getting married, there is zero obligation to turn it into a 3 day event if the bride and groom don’t want that.

It’s really not that weird. Many couples have family in different places these days.
Our parents hadn’t met before our wedding and that wasn’t at all uncommon among our circle.
When would they meet if you don’t live locally?

OP isn’t marrying the groom’s parents so it’s not equivalent to married at first sight. She’s presumably met her daughter’s fiancé, which is the relevant part.

I know very weird comparison 😂