Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

To be ‘really upset’ over a first world problem shows her immaturity. She needs to use her words and explain why she doesn’t like the idea.
how bloody ungrateful. Her mother has saved for years so she can be a princess for the day (money would be better spent elsewhere IMO)

If you first made these suggestions this close to the wedding date and requested your DD and her partner’s presence at one or both events I can see why she’d find it stressful - extra stuff to do, she might have other preferences for her wedding weekend.

My mum did similar to this at my wedding, with more notice. Groom’s parents and our own (large, geographically distant) extended family over to hers the evening before the wedding. She had good reasons and motives, but I really didn’t want to do it and found it stressful in the run up and wedding weekend. I didn’t tell her this!

Now DH and his siblings chose not to attend and stuck with our original plans of relaxing at a hotel with our friends!

Yes she has. It’s in the Op.

The daughter says she was busy and the events don’t work for her.

In inverted commas though. So not literally.

Your daugher is being ridiculously dramatic, what exactly is she upset about? Not being able to control everyone's movements in the weeks leading up to and after her wedding?

I don’t understand how so many people seem unable to comprehend that not all families are local.

You sound lovely and well intentioned but the last fortnight before a wedding is just far too short notice to be adding social events.
The B and G are probably stressed out about getting everything together in time. I know that before my wedding as well as working , confirming final details with the venue, catering, guests, bridal party, hair and makeup was a lot !
Also maybe his family are weird and she doesn’t want you to meet them yet?🙈

It doesn't really matter why her daughter objects - if she "became very uspet" becuase a simple offer was made that she was at liberty to refuse, she's being unreasonable. If her mother is pushing at it and inisting she gives "good reasons" not to do it, she isn't being.
She may have met her husband's parents and know that they and hers will loathe one another, for all we know. Maybe she despises them and doesn't want to expose her parents to that. Maybe she doesn't like her mother and knows her inlaws won't either. She's the one with the information, let her make the decision.

Lots of people do this now.

It's usually a lovely relaxed day

My first thoughts are that your dd is either ashamed of you or ashamed of his parents and family.

It would put me on guard for stopping any more of my money on extras being spent.

I think the reaction indicates something else is going on

Don’t people do wedding rehearsal dinners anymore ?

You sound lovely and well intentioned but the last fortnight before a wedding is just far too short notice to be adding social events.
Social events that the bride doesn't have to lift a finger to organise or even attend if she doesn't want to? Nah, that's really silly.

If she’s getting married in a couple weeks, it’s weird you haven’t met her future in-laws yet.

No it isn't. It really, really isn't.

In my case neither family could afford to fork out the £££ for train fares and hotels just to meet up for a cup of tea.

It amazes me that so many posters think it is as easy for other people as it is for themselves.

Depending on whether the daughter's reaction was immediate or after someone had pestered her for half an hour trying to get her to change her mind. The OP has been asked to clarify.

They’re very normal, standard events to plan OP. YANBU and you’re being totally normal. Nice ideas.

My mother did exactly this at my wedding. She and the grooms mother had an afternoon tea at a local hotel different from the venue together as they didn’t really know each other which broke the ice and at the actual wedding they were grabbing each other to introduce the other to their side of the family. It was utterly lovely for me as it meant I could relax and know that they were both mingling etc. She held a barbecue the day after the wedding on a come and go basis which I popped into before leaving for my honeymoon but again she was able to spend time with family that had come some distance. Some of my friends turned up to and she enjoyed receiving all the compliments re the day itself. I was very grateful for the effort she made.

Is she stressed and wishes she had thought of this herself?

Don’t people do wedding rehearsal dinners anymore
Never been a thing in the UK has it? I've only ever heard of that on American tv.

We arranged for anyone who was arriving on the Friday night to meet in the pub if they wanted to. Been to a few weddings with that and it's been really nice. But totally informal and nothing to do with the rehearsal.

"your dd is either ashamed of you or ashamed of his parents and family."

Which of those things would make you not want to spend money on your daughter's wedding?

It's not clear if your suggestions to your DD involved her, ie did you think the bride and groom would be there? I imagine she's just too caught up in wedding preparations to think of adding anything else on. Unless there is anything else planned for the day after I can't see any reason you shouldn't get together with any friends and family you want. Re meeting the groom's parents, that would be lovely before the wedding. Do you think she's reacted badly because she hasn't thought to arrange this?

Why is being local relevant? It’s about being respectful and acknowledging that you are blending two families. In my opinion, it’s simple good manners.

You are not wrong but I think you need to leave it.

The hosting the groom's parents seem something that is perfectly normal. My brother recently got married and my parents hosted his bride's family for dinner a few days before the wedding.

Maybe the day after the party the bride is worried that you are hosting the party just for your family and not the grooms and that she will be split between both. Or are you a hoarder or something and she does not want then to see your home. Or it could be she is stressed and just lashing out at the wrong things.

For the sake of peace I would leave the after party and if you are staying in the venue the night before wedding or if the groom family are staying in a hotel nearby just meet there for a drink. Don't make it formal or a big deal.

Living abroad does tend to make it more difficult to meet.

You're not "blending two families". My decision to get married had nothing to do with either set of parents, and neither family has had anything whatsoever to do with the other since the day of the wedding. I and my partner have interacted with one another's family of course, but nobody else. This is far, far more common than you seem to think.

Your daughter is being a but precious to say the least. It's perfectly normal to want to meet the groom's parents before the ceremony, and hosting the day after the wedding is very relaxing.

It just means a chat about the day, in this context.
Nobody will he shining lights in eyes, demanding information from the guests.
Just another party, but more laid back.