Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

No it isn't. Do you live in Royston Vasey?

Why is it beyond the comprehension of so many posters that the parents of a couple might not have met?

Our families were hundreds of miles apart and neither were expected to make the long and expensive journey to meet each other before we got married.

DH's family travelled down on the day of the wedding and went home the following day. We had an afternoon wedding to allow for travelling guests.

Nothing I say is intended to be unkind or a criticism of either of you. I think you may have identified the underlying issue in your post above. You want to help more she chose to keep it to herself and the others and you are hurt by this. You are obviously good intentioned and want to be more involved and are possibly resentful that she is taking your money but not including you.

The underlying tensions make it more complicated for you and her. She has probably picked up on the silent reproach. She may see your efforts as criticism as you would do things differently including these two gatherings,

You may find it easier to acknowledge these feelings to yourself at least and then you can move move on. I would avoid the quite chat and just concentrate on enjoying the day with them and your family.

I've never been to a wedding that had a do the next day. The wedding and reception is it. If I had traveled, I definitely wouldn't go as I'd be busy getting ready to go to the train station or airport.

I don't think a day after do is a good idea. It drags things out for working people who have limited days off and it doesn't work for people who have to travel.

OP, you come across to me as a really kind and thoughtful person who wants to do the right thing. I wish you well and hope that all concerned have a wonderful day when it comes round.

The OP just wants to do a nice thing and to feel somewhat involved in her DD's wedding. Really, it's a bit mean to accept money from your Mum to cover half the wedding costs and then freeze her out of wedding preparations. It doesn't sound like the OP would have wanted to take over organizing the wedding but her DD should have asked her for some input.

My parents did a brunch for there close family after my brothers wedding. It was fun and we all enjoyed it before heading home. It was much nicer than the guest house food on offer. My brother and his wife didn't attend, that was fine with us.

However when my cousin got married I didn't go to the pub lunch that would of been the next day but I believe a lot of family went. My son was incredibly tired at that point so we sat it out.

I believe the OP is talking about her close family not suggesting that they invite everyone at the wedding for another knees up, more its an ideal time to spend with family that she doesn't see often.

Depends on the OP though doesn’t it. The OP stated she maybe didn’t make it clear she wasn’t expecting the bride to attend and then came into mumsnet, made a new username “guttedMOB” so it’s a fair suggestion that she didn’t just day ‘no worries’ when the DD said it wouldn’t work for her.

Good idea @GuttedMOB Perfectly fine to not have the Bride and Groom at those events. Hopefully you can sort it out with your daughter - but it is possible she and her fiance have plans to meet with his parents the night before. Just so that you consider that as a possibility!

Sorry!

It was a kind offer. No need for her to get upset. She could have just said 'no thanks mum'.

Don't take it to heart, maybe she's a bit (a lot) stressed with the wedding coming up.

As you've suggested, a quiet chat might help, with a gentle reminder that there was no need for her to react that way.

Then at every best the bride is overly invested and wound up about her wedding and needs to chill out. If she thought she was being required to attend and it didn't suit then she might have been a bit confused or mildly annoyed. But being "very upset" about something suggests someone either angry or really emotional about something really innocuous. So definitely needing to chill out.

Because if it’s like weddings in my family, people are coming from all over and staying The night in a potentially strange locality, don’t see each other often, and it’s nice to see each other and reminisce about the day.

YANBU OP. That’s exactly what happens in my family. Why is your dd upset exactly?

If you’re demanding she attend the events (or you have a history of pushiness/guilt tripping where you don’t technically insist but make her feel obligated) then you’re being unreasonable.

If all you did was suggest holding the event and she was free to come or not, you’re not unreasonable.

I don't think it's that unusual what you are suggesting, but given the response you've had i wouldn't bother. Seems as though she might have other things planned and is now stressed about potentially have to attend your events. Or, shes not keen to have you organise anything. Look at it this way, with nothing to organise you can completely enjoy the day.

This. It’s a very normal thing , and the B&G don’t need to be there. Not her problem. 🤷‍♀️

Tbh the day after the wedding if the bride is busy then what day does she have if you invite your family over to your house?

They live abroad which does tend to make going out for lunch a bit more difficult. Could be Australia for all we know

I don’t think that you need your DD’s permission to host either the groom’s parents for a drink (frankly if I was arriving from abroad I would want to meet you before the wedding too!) or your own family & whosoever you wish to your own home the day after. Most family style weddings that I have attended in the UK have included this sort of gathering the day after, especially if people have travelled and it is in the home location of the bride or groom. It is normal and very enjoyable to carry on a little bit longer what will be a lovely event.

I understand your daughter wants her dream wedding, but I’m sure you have looked forward for this day too and I think your daughter is being a little self centred here. I think you should just tell her that you will go ahead with an informal lunch the day after, but understand that she will be busy. I think brides these days have lost the run of themselves. And before I get roasted, I got married a couple of years ago myself for the second time.

🍿

My FIL and his partner insisted on hosting a ‘day after party’ at their house and we were expected to attend as they had invited some people who weren’t at our wedding (we had a very small wedding) it ended up being a gigantic pain having to go - I was knackered, needed to finish packing for our honeymoon and none of our friends wanted to go because they had all already been away for the weekend for our wedding and they were all absolutely hanging after 2 days partying. Add to that my FIL constantly calling us to see if we had left the venue yet and what time will we arrive and I’m trying to pack up flowers and gifts etc - it’s a nice thought but in reality I’d probably leave the bride and groom alone. I did not appreciate rushing and stressing and then having to make polite conversation with people I don’t know that well. The meet and greet beforehand sounds completely reasonable.

It's a bit odd on your DD & her fiance's part that you & his parents haven't met

Which bit of his parents come from overseas does not make sense? Why would they have already met, it’s not like they live round the corner.

My parents and DH’s parents only met twice. Same country but long distance apart (plane flight). First time was at our wedding, and we had more than enough on our plates racing around doing stuff, we certainly weren’t going to forgo any more sleep so people could be introduced the day prior! Why? They are not going to play bridge together on Thursdays moving forward. The second time was roughly fifteen years later when mum was visiting us and we had the in-laws also over, think it was Christmas Day but not sure now as decades on again. They had zero reason to contact each other outside of this, so no point in ‘get to know you’ occasions.

I have colleagues at work whose parents have never met as they reside in different countries. All of them had a wedding here (with family and joint friends and childhood friends of the person who grew up here), and then a wedding later overseas with the other persons family and childhood friends. Because it’s a dick move to ask a large number of people to essentially attend a ‘destination wedding’.

Just because people are married does not mean their parents need to be friends.

@HoppingPavlova the posters who think it odd must have families who live locally or reasonably locally.

My parents only met DH's family just once - at the wedding. His family live in the middle of a very rural part of the country and the children had never even travelled on a train before as they lived nowhere near a railway station.

They didn't have a lot of money and it was a stretch to find the means to travel to our wedding and fork out for a hotel for one night.

My parents died before DD was born so they never had another opportunity to meet.

They used to exchange Christmas cards though.

It's fine of you to offer and fine for her to politely decline.

However, I do think that not meeting your daughter's in-laws before the wedding is very rude. Your daughter doesn't need to join in and you would not invite them too close to the wedding.

I also think it's very generous of you to pay for half the wedding and your daughter could involve you a little just for your own enjoyment and for her to have your support in excitment not just monetarily. A little odd; no wonder you are second guessing yourself just to utter an opinion.

Meeting the next day doesn't have to be overly arranged or formal. Just letting guests know that, if they please, they can join you for breakfast at XXX. You idea is not madness. Bride and groom don't necessarily have to be there.

Your daughter will be taking time to process and she'll be flustered.

She was probably going to do a get together for you all to meet ..but she obviously wanted to arrange...just sit on the sidelines..when she needs you...she'll come running...just ask her now and again...do you need me to do anything..
Good luck
Jenny