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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

237 replies

GuttedMOB · 28/04/2025 11:36

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/04/2025 12:49

Yanbu and I imagine quite hurt at not being involved in any of the planning

Are you not close?

Its weird that you haven't met the groom's parents, and ywnbu to go ahead and arrange an informal meeting x

AthWat · 28/04/2025 12:50

It makes absolutely no sense to me that she would "become very upset" if you've just suggested something. Surely she'd just say "no, I don't like that" and that would be the end of it? Was her first reaction to "become very upset" or did that only happen after you kept on pushing for it?

AthWat · 28/04/2025 12:51

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/04/2025 12:49

Yanbu and I imagine quite hurt at not being involved in any of the planning

Are you not close?

Its weird that you haven't met the groom's parents, and ywnbu to go ahead and arrange an informal meeting x

It's not necessarily weird at all that she hasn't met the groom's parents. She could be from northern Scotland, he could be from Cornwall, and the couple could live in East Anglia. Our parents first met at our wedding, and they haven't met since.

NominatedNameOfTheDay · 28/04/2025 12:52

Hmm… my mum offered something very similar before my wedding and I spent a long time trying to put her off it, and suggest we go out for dinner instead.

In my case it was because she is a massive hoarder and I was embarrassed about the state of the house. Any chance it could be anything like that?

milkshakeman · 28/04/2025 12:53

Why do you need a debrief about a wedding?

rookiemere · 28/04/2025 12:53

Both of those suggestions sound totally normal, so I can only think the issue is that you threw them into the mix at this late stage and she is stressed with other things.

I think your DD sounds a bit rude - happy to take your money but not letting you know how it’s being spent or giving you something to arrange. I can usually tell from the OP if it’s a control freak likely to take over and you don’t sound like that at all.

As it’s so close to the main day I would say that the next day brunch/bbq is meant to be very low key and you understand she might not be able to attend, but you want to spend time with the relatives and friends who have traveled to be there. On the meeting of the other sets of DPs, that is a bit awkward if she doesn’t have time to come at this late stage. I would ask if she has any slots at all that you can work round, even a quick coffee to say hello, if not then I wouldn’t push it and I am sure you will all get along on the day.

Nominative · 28/04/2025 12:55

milkshakeman · 28/04/2025 12:53

Why do you need a debrief about a wedding?

OP hasn't suggested anyone needs a debrief. She's just offering a nice chance for relatives to get together, chat and relax.

KilkennyCats · 28/04/2025 12:55

milkshakeman · 28/04/2025 12:53

Why do you need a debrief about a wedding?

It’s just another get together while everyone’s still in the area.
Hardly sinister.

PrettyPuss · 28/04/2025 12:55

I think it was lovely of you to suggest this and it sounds like a good idea however if it doesn't work for your daughter then you just have to drop it.

Peclet · 28/04/2025 12:55

Both things are normal suggestions

DD reactions are OTT and scream bridezilla.

EilishMcCandlish · 28/04/2025 12:56

Cadenza12 · 28/04/2025 12:29

It's a bit odd that you won't actually meet the groom's family before the day. You'll just have to go with it, but you're not being unreasonable. Her day, let her get on with it.

It's really not, when people move all over for work, uni etc. My parents only met my MIL and her husband the day before the wedding, and then FIL and his partner at the reception.

@GuttedMOB if the 'after party' was going to be at your home, then it is entirely your choice as to whether to do it. Not up to your daughter, as long as you are doing all the planning etc. She has zero right to say who you invite into your home and when. If she doesn't want to come along, then that is her choice.

MrsSlocombesCat · 28/04/2025 12:57

I don't understand why the parents of a married couple need to meet each other. Our family must be very unsocial because we don't. We only see them at the actual wedding. I don't want to be friends with my daughter in laws family just for the sake of it.

Bellsize · 28/04/2025 12:58

GuttedMOB · 28/04/2025 11:36

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

"I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?"

Are you going to do as you like and do you see yourself as helpful or up-ending the wedding?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 28/04/2025 12:58

I met DD's mother in law before the wedding and we really hit it off and have met a few times since when she is in the area. Thinking of both my DD's who got married locally, the day after the wedding we had family picnics with no expectation for either of the couples to join us but they wanted to hang out with extended family who had travelled a long way to be with us.

When DD and DS were married further from home we made it clear that we did not expect to see them the next day.

AthWat · 28/04/2025 12:59

PaperHatter · 28/04/2025 11:54

I think meeting the parents of the groom should be done before the wedding if possible although it does seem very last minute if they live close enough to attend.

The family event sounds normal too. Is it because she cannot attend? Is it because she maybe wants to monitor what you are saying to her future in laws?

Close enough to attend? Don't you think that most parents will travel a lot further for their offspring's actual wedding than they would just to meet somebody's parents?
I can't imagine where my daughter might get married that I would consider to be too far to attend; but if she does want to get married to someone from China, I doubt I'll be popping over regularly to meet the in-laws beforehand.

poetryandwine · 28/04/2025 12:59

The drink with the groom’s parents sounds like the most normal thing in the world. Generally I would think the B and G would attend. Are they busy elsewhere? But you can certainly go ahead without them.

My family always have a morning after brunch when we’ve travelled for a wedding. Generally the B and G are excused!

TimeForABreak4 · 28/04/2025 13:00

Id have loved to have a parent offer this and think it was lovely of you to offer. If she's decided she doesn't want that thats okay but she doesn't need to be dramatic and get upset at the offer.

AthWat · 28/04/2025 13:01

Nominative · 28/04/2025 12:55

OP hasn't suggested anyone needs a debrief. She's just offering a nice chance for relatives to get together, chat and relax.

Show quote history

She literally used the word debrief.

Gloriia · 28/04/2025 13:01

Sounds like lovely ideas but for reasons unknown she doesn't want you to do it, so shrug it off and just accept it.

Weird yes but nothing to spoil the lead up to the wedding over.

Is there a class issue with the inlaws are they very posh or something and the dd is embarrassed and doesn't want to tell you?

Proudtobeanortherner · 28/04/2025 13:02

You sound very thoughtful and I think that your daughter is probably caught up in her own plans but her response wasn’t very kind. I am very surprised that they are getting married and you haven’t met his parents. Why hasn’t your daughter already facilitated that?

SummerInSun · 28/04/2025 13:02

I still don’t understand what your daughter’s objection is though? She must have her reasons. Without you explaining those we can’t comment on whether you or she or neither are being unreasonable. What did she actually say. “I don’t like that idea because…”?

pikkumyy77 · 28/04/2025 13:03

My mother hosted a party the day after which we were not expected to attend and my mother in law did too which we were expected to attend although we planned to be on our honeymoon. In the end we went to my mother’s party as we needed to return something to her and firmly declined my MIL. I got in trouble for it but we had a great time and I never regretted it nor did DH.

AthWat · 28/04/2025 13:03

Batteredtoe · 28/04/2025 11:49

I think both of those events seem great, but I don't think the B&G would necessarily be expected to attend.

It is a bit odd you've never met his parents. My parents are the most unsociable people on earth, but arranged to meet DH's parents as soon as we were engaged.

"...arranged to meet DH's parents as soon as we were engaged."

Why? You weren't marrying his parents. There's no reason you should even like his parents, let alone your relatives.

DappledThings · 28/04/2025 13:03

Peclet · 28/04/2025 12:55

Both things are normal suggestions

DD reactions are OTT and scream bridezilla.

Completely this. OP has made a couple of perfectly nice, friendly suggestions.

She hasn't stepped over any boundaries or sone anything wrong and the bride's reaction is just weird.

milkshakeman · 28/04/2025 13:04

KilkennyCats · 28/04/2025 12:55

It’s just another get together while everyone’s still in the area.
Hardly sinister.

Show quote history

Oh sorry, did I say it was sinister!? It’s still an odd choice of words, I’d be baffled as to why my mother though a debrief about my wedding was needed the next day. And combined with the daughter being upset, clearly we aren’t getting the full picture here.

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