Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

I don’t think you were wrong to offer and these are things that many weddings I’ve been involved in have had. Especially the gathering the day after for those who are still around.
The only thing I can think, is what the others have said, that it is very short notice and it’s just one too many things to have to think about. Her reaction seems overly emotional and a bit odd. A simple ‘well it’s a nice thought but I don’t think I can handle another event at this stage.’ Would have done.

Why would you bring it up to her again though? That does make you come across as pushy, she has already told you she’s busy and those events don’t work for her.

Unless you are demanding she and her husband come it's absolutely nothing to do with her. You can host who you like in your own home. Both the events you describe are often hosted by the bride or grooms parents .
( I'd expect that she and her fiance may well wish to meet with their parents before the wedding anyway?)

I think meeting the parents of the groom should be done before the wedding if possible although it does seem very last minute if they live close enough to attend.

The family event sounds normal too. Is it because she cannot attend? Is it because she maybe wants to monitor what you are saying to her future in laws?

Maybe they have something in mind for the day after themselves, but I would have thought meeting the parents beforehand wouldn't be an issue? Surely it's better than meeting them for the first time on the day, and it's not like the bride and groom have to be a part of that if they're busy.

Is there something they suspect you might clash on, and they don't want to risk any hoo ha or fall outs just before the wedding?

When I got married (ages ago), my parents, in-laws and some close family went out for lunch the next day. I was adamant I didn’t want to go - I thought I should just be with my new husband and also would be tired etc. I do remember also feeling a bit offended that they’d want to gather again without me. Honestly, typing that now, I can see I was being totally unreasonable but that era of my life was a bit bridezilla, frankly.

In the end, the wedding was so fun that we wanted to go to the lunch on the day after, to enjoy everyone’s company some more and to debrief and relive the funny bits. Possibly she’s a bit the same. Just wanting to be in control.

I did, however, arrange for the 2 sets of parents to meet before the wedding and we were both there to help break the ice. I think she’s being a bit unreasonable in refusing that, but perhaps she’s just feeling busy and stressed.

For what reason, though?

The hosting of guests the day after is like an extension of the wedding. Their wedding, not OP’s wedding. If people want this they usually organise it themselves as part of the wedding. Then there is the background fear of, is it everyone or only certain folk. Will people not invited know about it, and could it cause issues. The bride to be doesn’t want to think about such matters, they have lots else to think about and do.

The hosting of grooms family prior really means the bride and groom are obliged to attend. It would be odd and awkward if it was held but the bride and groom were not there. That means pretty much forcing them to fit in something else before the wedding that they are probably not up for, no time or no mental capacity. Plus, if they DID want this, they would have organised it themselves, so they may just not see it as necessary. There’s no mandate you have to be forced to meet everyone’s relatives prior if this has not as yet occurred organically over the course of the bride/grooms relationship. If this is the case, you simply exchange names and say ‘hi, nice to meet you’ at the wedding, hardly a crime.

They live abroad and are staying in a hotel nearby.

Makes perfect sense then as they are close by. I don't understand what her problem is. Maybe she just feels like she is missing out on it.

Why don't you know what to do, surely it's obvious?

She doesn't want it and as it's hers and her fiance's wedding, you respect that.

Ah. I don't think this comes across in your original post, I understood that you'd gone ahead and invited people without discussing it with your daughter. I don't know if it's too late to amend it, I think you'd get a very different response. Your daughter is being ridiculous.

I can't understand why you have not the parents before?.
You're only going to meet them on the wedding day? It's not married at first sight.
Seems very unusual to me.

They live abroad.

The day before the wedding I can understand to be a stressful time that your daughter would not want to do that.
Can you meet more informally way before the actual wedding. The day before just seems like an added stress for everyone.

@OoooopsUpsideYourHead "She doesn't want it and as it's hers and her fiance's wedding, you respect that."

It isn't about the wedding, it is potentially the day before the wedding, meeting the parents, and the day after the wedding when she is inviting her relatives round to her own house and something they usually do anyway. When did brides get so fucking prissy about anything happening remotely near their wedding?

These would have been nice things to suggest 6-12 months ago. NOT 2 weeks before the wedding, when your DD is probably already quite stressed.

Having the 2 sets of parents 'formally' meet, can also be quite stressful for the bride and groom. Its something they would probably want to be there for and something they might want to manage. They know the dynamics and personalities far better than you.

Organising a family event the day after the wedding also feels like an overstep and encroaching onto their wedding plans. Again, a fantastic and probably welcome suggestion if you'd made it months ago.

These were good, well-intentioned ideas, but your timing is awful. I'd apologise and back off.

My DPs hosted a brunch at home for all their siblings the day after my DB's wedding. DM has lots of siblings, as does DF, and most of them had traveled long distances to attend the wedding. DB and DSIL popped in briefly to say hi, but had zero to do with the planning. I'm sorry your suggestion has gone down badly with your DD.

Agree with @Carrotsandgrapes that it is probably the fact that you are dropping this on her two weeks out that is the issue

It's really common now to have a second low key event the next day

Op’s dd should have organised the meet up herself, the two week thing is only because she thus far hasn’t bothered, tbf.

There are no plans for the day after? I think it's perfectly fine to invite your own extended family, especially if they've travelled. I've previously appreciated it when I've come a long way. We had a delicious brunch of wedding leftovers! She doesn't need to be there if she doesn't want to/will be too tired.

Meeting his parents the day or whenever the pre wedding drink was before seems fine but the other event seems unnecessary although nothing to get angry about . She doesn’t have to be there. I agree it seems a bit late to suggest it.

Upset for what reason? She wouldn’t need to attend either. It’s nice to meet parents-in-law and is something they should have arranged when you first got engaged. Both my parents and my in-laws invited each other to dinner. They lived 90 minutes away from one another at the time. My parents also hosted a garden party the day after our wedding. They invited family and family friends who had travelled a long way to be there.

It's a shame that she is so upset. My parents did similar and also a rehearsal dinner and they were absolutely lovely - more relaxed and intimate than the wedding itself and a chance for the more close family to just debrief - as you say - having already met each other. Your daughter is being a bit of a drama llama.

You have met the parents yet? How long have they been together?