Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

[GuttedMOB]

My only daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc. I love her fiancé and am very pleased for her. All the wedding
choices have been theirs and she has not involved me in any planning, wanting me to “just enjoy the day”. Which is fine-her wedding, her choice. Last week I offered to invite the groom’s parents over for a pre wedding drink, as I have not had the chance to meet them or they us. I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax. My daughter was very upset and that I could do as I like, but she will be too busy and these events don’t work for her. Am I in the wrong here?

Absolutely it is Daughter's wedding day.
But.
I think it odd not to have met the Groom's parents before hand. I knew EVERYBODY at our wedding. As I said "I am not walking into church and seeing strangers".
As for a family get together the day after I think that is a lovely idea, especially when some may live away and you don't meet very often.
Try a calm chat with Daughter, but I think she is being unfair on you.
Good luck!

The pre wedding meet up is a very good idea, although I'm a little surprised it hasn't been done a long time ago.The "after" thing seems a little OTT - the newlyweds will no doubt want to relax and do their own thing after being "on show" the previous day.

Think shes probably feeling overwhelmed

Your daughter doesn't mind you paying for half but don't do anything else. She sounds not nice at all. Women get married all the time, they don't need to be rude.

Meet the in laws. Have yr debrief the day after. Just don't expect bride and groom to be there. She's stressed. Have a lovely day.

although I'm a little surprised it hasn't been done a long time ago.

Why @rb124 ?

The in laws are flying in from abroad. Why would they spend £££ just to meet their DC's parents early on in the relationship?

It has been stated many, many, many times in this thread already that not all families are local to each other or even live in the same country.

My parents met DH's family just once, at our wedding. It just wasn't affordable or practical to meet before.

You are not at all unreasonable in what you proposed, but, given her OTT reaction I'd forget about what you offered and just let them get on with it. If you feel you hurt and need to speak to her about how she made you feel, wait until a few weeks after the wedding.
Considering your financial contribution to their day she should feel pretty shamefaced about how she reacted.

Op isn't wrong. It's always fine to offer anything and to be prepared for various responses etc.

You are not being unreasonable. I reckon she is stressed about the Wedding plans.
Have your family get together the next day if you want but don’t expect the bride and groom to come! Bear in mind you could be exhausted the day after the wedding though!
regarding the grooms parents - the meet up is a good idea but perhaps your daughter may have reasons for it not going ahead? We met our in-laws beforehand but tbh it wouldn’t have made much difference as haven’t seen them for 23 years as they live abroad!

I think it's nice to meet the groom's family before the wedding and find it odd unless they live abroad or its been a whirlwind engagement, or they are sick this hasn't happened. It doesn't have to be a huge deal and I'd fully understand why you'd also want the couple to attend. Could it be worked into something else? Eg birthday bbq or something going on they are already involved in? I guess it can be stressful in the last weeks before a wedding. For the day after event, this is a lovely idea in my view. My dad did the same and hosted a bbq following my brother's wedding for family that had travelled and invited friends and family on both sides. My brother and his wife attended. He didn't do the same for me due to a smaller house/health issues but it's not unusual. If they are jetting off on honeymoon soon after they might feel they don't want to attend.

I think both events sound entirely reasonable. When I got married 25 years ago my PILs organised a rehearsal evening party for everyone who was involved in the ceremony and my parents hosted a barbecue at home the day after for all guests who had travelled a long way to the wedding. We had friends travelling a long way and they really appreciated that we had three days of events laid on for them. I think some brides forget they are expecting people to spend a lot of money on 'their special day' and they need to consider their guests a lot more. The more events there are the more fun the wedding is.

ETA: we attended both events, a wedding itself is a busy day for the bride and groom and the other events were more relaxed and allowed us more time with our friends and family.

Our parents had a get together the day after my wedding - the marquee was there so why not use it., Mother arranged a string quartet and charged a modest entrance fee and the money was donated to a local hospice.
As for meeting the parents, I think it is extremely odd not to.