To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

I don’t know, I got lots of judgment for not breastfeeding. I think it’s one of those things where whatever you do someone will criticise you.

I think as the previous poster said you get judgement whatever you do as a new mother.

As I understand it, the differences are evident on a population level but you obviously can't point out a breast-fed vs bottle-fed baby so you don't really see the benefits in individuals. Overall, it is better for your baby -- not so much better that you need to put yourself through hell to do it. However, it's enough of a benefit that you definitely should feel proud for putting in the effort to do the best for your baby.

(I breastfed both of mine exclusively till about 7m when I was very over it and couldn't face it anymore.)

The breast is best message has been around for decades. However, many mums were/are put off breastfeeding by madwives midwives who were unsympathetic to those having initial difficulties. I've known mums to be actually traumatised by this.
Then of course, many women today want to get back their 'insta body', so don't even bother.
Formula will not provide colostrum, nor the antibodies you pass on through your milk, but yes, it has come on in leaps and bounds.
You've done a brilliant job by persevering. Don't let the critics and naysayers drag you down!

It’s how you feed your baby
That’s it really
No need to feel flat, or proud just enjoy your time doing it.
It’s not better or worse than FF.
Don’t overthink it OP.
(I BF both of ours partly through not wanting the faff of bottles so thought it easier but the time feeding and being with them in those close moments were invaluable to me wouldn’t say proud ever entered it, or wanted to tell anyone I was proud as that didn’t seem the right emotion, more relieved)

Honestly as a mum who couldn’t breastfeed this is really upsetting. I have postnatal depression and cry every day because I couldn’t breastfeed, because of the “breast is best” message. When I order formula online, I even have to tick a box saying I know it’s not as good as breast milk. It’s fucking heartbreaking, so no I don’t agree at all

Oh 100%. I BF my first during Covid and the lack of support was wild. I think that makes me a little extra sensitive because I carried on despite (in in spite maybe🤣) of that and put a tonne of effort in to my own research on how to make it work etc. and if I dare even talk about that experience it’s very much ‘well why did you bother FF is just as good’.

I can recognise the privilege of having the means and opportunities to do that research btw. I genuinely don’t think FF is a bad option and has an important place is society. It just feels like allowing FF to take that space means quite often BF parents are expected to absorb the negativity

Only on here 😁 Everyone I know BF, except for one person who couldn't. Never knew it was an 'issue' until I was on MN. Don't get me wrong it's not easy for everyone initially, I found it difficult for the first couple of weeks. Breast is best, you only need to do research on this to find out, but I don't know why you'd feel the need to tell others about it unless they ask, that's a bit weird.

As another poster said you're literally just feeding your baby, exactly the same whether you breastfeed or formula feed. I've done both and can't say that I ever felt judged for either.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a couple of days ago who has just started working on a maternity ward. When I had my DC 10+ years ago breastfeeding was definitely pushed and the midwives gave no information at all about formula feeding (not that they gave much help with breastfeeding either!). I did BF mine but there was little indication about where you could even clean bottles etc on the ward. My friend says that the midwives now don't seem to encourage breastfeeding and there is a lot more information for those who want to bottle feed.

I don't know what the best thing is. I do think all mothers should give breastfeeding a go if there is no medical reason why not but should not be made to feel guilty if they can't. I had a bad experience of BF with one DC and didn't keep it up that long but a good experience with another.

Well we talk about experiences all the time to process them, right?

but I’m not saying I want to talk about it constantly - it’s more being exposed to conversation/debate about it and feeling as though I’m the bad guy in that so have to keep my mouth shut about my experience

Don’t despair @ThatBusyPanda ours are teens now and I know some of there friends weren’t BF. If you lined them up and asked people to guess the BF and FF ones it would be multi guess down the line.

It’s a small part of everything.

You are feeding your baby that is ALL that matters.

The truth is that nobody really cares how you feed your baby and in years to come it’s not going to really matter that much. So while you may have made sacrifices and gone through a lot to do it, that’s not going to really register with most people.

But surely if you think it's best (and I agree), why do you feel flat? Surely that is the point of doing it. Not to get praise from people.

It sounds like you want formula to be "worse" so that your efforts are more worthwhile, and you are annoyed that it's fine really. Or you want parents who ff to feel bad in some way. Thats a pretty negative attitude.

Breastfeed and be proud! It is an achievement. On the other hand, if you've come to feel that it's too much of a sacrifice and there's "no point", you can quit.

Well the point is that you’re doing what you think is best for your baby and the smug feeling you get from that. Do you really need the public accolade as well?

Perhaps a fanfare everytime your baby latches on? Or a letter from Kate Middleton? Or would you prefer a formula feeding mum to be flogged as an example of their lack of effort?

(sorry I committed the cardinal sin of quoting the OP)

Yabu

The point of breast feeding is that your DC gets all the benefit of your antibodies and a diet perfectly designed for their needs.

It is not so you can boast and be proclaimed world's best mum and given a sticker. You'll make others feel lousy, and be a total bore. Do you think they didn't try hard enough? There are lots of reasons why bf doesn't work.

We all do the best we can for our children, so be quietly pleased that you have persevered and been lucky, and move on.

There’s a lot more judgement for FF. I preserved with DS, and it was difficult the first month, resorted to pumping as he couldn’t seem to latch, but then tried him on the breast when he was 1 month and he latched and I was able to stop pumping, which was a lot of work. With DD I just assumed I could persevere in the same way, but ended up in hospital for a week on very strong antibiotics due to mastitis / breast infection (my nipple went black). I felt terrible, couldn’t even see a BF mum without getting very upset. Now they are late teens / early 20’s I do think I was silly getting upset over it as I didn’t see any benefits health wise etc, but i’d personally always choose BF myself.

Well yes of course that’s the truth. But it’s also true that there are benefits to breastfeeding, it’s also true that it takes a lot of effort to get it right sometimes, and it also feels true that it’s frowned upon to talk about the effort you went to to get it right because it will upset FF families

Oh sorry no I don’t want to boast - I don’t think it’s better in that sense.

I just want to be able to talk about and process my own experience without being accused of boasting 🤣

it feels like when you try to have a conversation about the hard parts of it, you’re immediately shut down with ‘you didn’t need to formula is just as good’

So leave those conversations to have with other BF families.

Or phase it in a way that you can talk about it in solidarity that feeding a baby is relentless and acknowledge there are struggles and emotions with FF as well which are just as valid.

You are all feeding babies after all.

What I found is that from the second I became pregnant, suddenly everyone had an opinion/claim on my decisions in a way that I hadn’t experienced before as an adult. Breast/ bottle, cuddle/cot to sleep, disposable/terry nappies, and so on. It doesn’t stop either, with my first two who were pretty easy and no issues behaviour wise it wasn’t too bad. But when I had my son who has asd everyone has an opinion on what I am doing, why my choices are wrong. Weirdly only me not dh.

This is strange....you're telling us you're proud of yourself and then saying you feel flat because others don't seem to be proud of you as well. It's great for your baby that you're breastfeesing but why should anyone else be proud of you? I think you just need to be happy that you're doing what works for you and stop trying to get other people (who might have had a really hard time coming to terms with not being able to BF) to care!

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with upsetting FF families. Who is it you want to be able to talk about it with and what response are you looking for?

OP, how will you like it, if in a few years, someone sees your darling child coming out of her primary school, with 33 to a class, and says 'Is that really the best you can manage? My PFB goes to paradise pre prep down the road, with 12 to a class, organic food and 1-2-1 Italian lessons on Tuesdays."

Because that is the equivalent. Competitive parenting is boring, thoughtless and unkind. Some people are luckier than others. Perhaps be grateful for your good fortune and show a little empathy.!

I took extreme determination for me to persevere with BF my DD, I had little help or advice from professionals but I knew the benefits and wanted to provide that for my DD, luckily I was then able to BF for 9 months.
I’m due second baby in July and hope to do the same again.
I felt pre-judged when literal strangers would ask me “how are you feeding her”, then they’d do this “sigh of relief” when I said BF.
The only people I know who chose not to BF chose alcohol instead because “they had already gone 9 months without a drink”. The others I know really tried but couldn’t or had baby prematurely.

I’m proud I managed to BF, so should you be OP if you feel the same.

I’m not saying I want other people to be proud of me, I’m saying a lot of the narrative already out there suggests there is no point at all - and that’s where the flat feeling is coming from