To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

I really don’t think anyone truly gives a shit whether someone does or doesn't BF. It’s the constant looking for endorsement from others that grates, and it can come across as self congratulatory to harp on about it.

Why? She asked you, that’s a normal conversation and if she doesn’t want to know she wouldn’t have asked.

FF have it very hard too, for different reasons, as long as you’re not making out that you’re some sort of superior parent for a set of circumstances which allowed you to make the choice to persevere, you’ll be fine.

Maybe, I don’t thing so though. I’ve never really had a chance to talk to anyone about it!

even my own mum clearly felt the need to justify formula feeding to me as her choice - I didn’t / don’t care or have an opinion but what it did do was make me feel uncomfortable talking to her about the elements of BF that were difficult but why I was choosing to try and persevere because I didn’t want to upset her

It's easy. Just say ' it works for us, so I'll keep going until it doesn't' which is literally what every bf mother, ever, has done.

The research shows benefits at a population level. So breastfeed children are X% less likely to get leukemia, for example, but the majority of the risk for these diseases is down to genetics - so on an individual level you're not going to see any difference in how your baby/child turns out, but at a population level it makes sense why the NHS encourages breastfeeding.

It's also worth saying that having a healthy diet in childhood (fruit and veg etc) also reduces health risks at a population level in a similar way.

OP, you put a lot of time and effort into doing something with your DC's best interests at heart. You're right to feel proud of that.

Likewise, other parents making financial sacrifices, or spending ages producing home cooked meals, or reading to their child every night deserve to feel proud of their hard work.

If you are comfortable with the decision you have made, that really shouldn’t be put into doubt by other people telling you something else.

You know from your own research that breastfeed is best, if possible. Why would somebody telling you that FF is best undermine your own knowledge?

Your pride should come from inside, knowing how hard you have worked and your belief that you have done that for the benefit of your own child. You shouldn’t need other people to tell you you are amazing to feel proud about it. Maybe your partner or your mum or something, but expecting to be told you are wonderful for doing something by somebody who isn’t doing it / is close to somebody who isn’t doing it is ridiculous.

As an aside, your ability to BF is not just hard work. It’s also luck. I know people who have tried endlessly and couldn’t. It is silly to suggest it’s just because you worked hard. But working hard was important and you should be proud.

People FF instead of BF for lots of reasons, but I have never known anybody do it for a selfish choice. I know lots of people who have tried and tried but cannot produce enough to keep their baby fed. Imagine being that person and being expected to tell somebody BF how great they are!

If a person who can’t BF asks you why you are still BF, you just say “because it works for us as a family” and carry on. Banging on about the health benefits or whatever would make you a dick.

In my experience medical professionals at every stage of having a baby push BF endlessly. At no stage has anybody ever pushed FF unless the baby has been underweight a few weeks after birth. So I can’t relate to your experience at all.

You do you OP, and let other people do them.

You are correct. Fed is necessary. Breast is best. It’s no wonder that society is so unhealthy.

I did say that and she asked why I’d continue past 6 months - am I then allowed to discuss the benefits?!

Join la leche league, the smug breastfeeders can all hang out together.

Another example was a friend talking about how difficult their sister had found BF’ing and spoke for quite a while about why FF was the best option. It felt in that instance like it was aimed at me, as if it’s automatically assumed I’ll judge?

I think that's knobbish and if you honestly haven't been going round saying the reverse to "formula feeding families" (breaks my heart to be described as such) then you're not the arsehole here.

However in my experience of mum "friends" there are an awful lot who do judge. She shouldn't be trying to get a preemptive strike in though!

Mine's 12, absolutely thriving despite a rocky food journey from birth. Several of his friends mums still go on about breastfeeding.

I don’t understand why you want other people’s approval. I can assure you I put in all the effort for months and despite trying my hardest, pumping all the time, and getting advice from everyone from La Leche League to a paid lactation consultant, my supply never established beyond a trickle. So I had both criticism for not BFing but also all the gruelling initial effort for no reward. This was just something I had to deal with.

I completely agree with you and think we probably have exactly the same thoughts on feeding babies!

maybe my experience is in a vacuum, but I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time reassuring FF friends that FF is a totally fine and valid option and very little of my time processing my own experience with friends and it feels like it would be unacceptable for me to do so.

perhaps ‘proud’ was the wrong choice of word to put across how I’m feeling - it’s all a bit train of thought from 4/5am 😅

Yes, I agree, that's how statistics work. It's still information that I think all mothers have the right to have. I really don't see what's wrong with saying bottle is great, breast is best. It's much more useful information that 'fed is best' - obviously anything is better than a child starving.

Someone who takes the time and effort to feed their child a healthy diet in childhood should feel proud of their hard work. Someone who struggles with breastfeeding but keeps going for their child's sake should feel proud. Someone who carefully researches the right type of formula, maybe making financial sacrifices to buy it, should also feel proud.

I think there might be a lot less 'mum guilt' if we were actually encouraged to be proud of our hard work.

No i genuinely haven’t!! I honestly don’t care and in fact would openly defend FF if I felt a person was being a dick about it. I think from this thread I’m learning that perhaps I’m a little sensitive. Covid birth / early parenting was traumatic for me honestly and one of the stand outs of that time was the lack of support I received around breastfeeding.

maybe I’ve got some soul searching to do 😆

Oh take a day off 🙄

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

But a lot of women put the effort in, try hard and still can’t breastfeed. I’m over the feelings I had of not being able to breastfeed now but at the time this would have really upset me because you’re implying those women just didn’t try hard enough. That’s what gets many women’s backs up. Everyone has a different version of hard and so their version of hard might not be close to what you went through. Or your version of hard could pale in comparison to some people’s version of hard. When I had a baby, I’d have avoided you because I’d have felt you were judging me for not trying hard enough, despite doing round the clock triple feeding for 5 weeks and a hospital admission, before realising my mental health was tanking and it was affecting the bond with my child. That might not be as hard as what you did but it was my limit of what I could deal with and I get to make the choice of when I stop and what my limit is without others saying incident try hard enough.

The fact is that everyone has bits that are easier and harder. Some struggle with breastfeeding, some struggle with weaning, some struggle with sleep, some struggle with walking/talking, some struggle with potty training. For those struggling with these things, they will be pouring everything into sorting the issue so they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to properly process the difference between what might seem as boasting or giving unsolicited advice. When you are working on something so much and pouring everything into it, you don’t necessarily want to hear about it going well for others. Even though you can accept every bit has hard bits but you can only focus on your hard bit and you’ll feel envious of the ease they had (perceived or real). When you’ve addressed those issues, you don’t get a medal but you’ve got through the other side and you find life is easier.

Haven’t read the full thread, but you’re not wrong. Breastfeeding is undermined… by the formula companies to promote their products.

now, just to be super clear, I’m am not angry at parents, or formula, but rather the companies that make it. They consistently put profits ahead of parents and babies. I can tell you now, they do not make formula out of the goodness of their hearts. In an ideal world formula would be free and unbranded.

Anyway, it’s been a marketing tool for decades to undermine parents’ confidence and breastfeeding in order to sell their products. A series from the Lancet a couple of years ago really highlighted this. How the companies create issues out of normal newborn behaviour which (surprise surprise) they say can be fixed with their product. Even though they have no evidence for their claims.

The breastfeeding scapegoat is recognised too. If a bf mum complains that her baby wakes, it’s because you’re bf, give a bottle. Her baby wants to be held, it’s bf fault. If her partner doesn’t care for either her or the baby, it’s because she’s breastfeeding… and so on.

To top it all, valid feelings around breastfeeding are just dismissed with either ‘fed is best’ (a statement that has its roots in formula advertising btw) or ‘stop bragging’ or any number of things that silence women.

we are allowed to have emotions around breastfeeding and that includes grief and trauma. Amy Brown and Lucy Ruddle have excellent books on this topic.

Yeah I agree with you here. I think breastfeeding has a lot more emotions attached to it than whether you give your kids plenty of fruit and veg/a varied diet though - because it gets mixed up with all the wild postpartum hormones women have, and it's solely on the mother, unlike feeding when they're older. Imo it should be seen more as the same thing.

I also think "fed is best" is still a necessary mantra. I personally have two friends who persevered with breastfeeding despite a low supply and their babies ended up in hospital because they were getting such little food. So I think healthcare professionals should be pushing "fed is best" more - as obviously giving baby any food is better than starving them, but some people get a bit obsessive about wanting to exclusively bf.

Babies deserve happy. Relaxed mothers. Your breastfeeding journey sounds traumatic tbh. It is not a competition or some lifetime achievement. However I wonder if those close to you secretly wish you'd given up and enjoyed those early months.

So you want to tell me that I should have just tried harder.

I spent hundreds of pounds on lactation consultants and supplements and osteopathic appointments. Paid for my DC to have a posterior tongue tie divided twice, the second one causing my baby to scream so much that he burst blood vessels in his eyes. Spent more time triple feeding and pumping than I did sleeping. Cluster fed all afternoon and then power pumped in the middle of the night when hormones were highest. Struggled with taping feeding tubes to my breasts to avoid giving bottles. Ended up being prescribed a medication which has the side effect listed of sudden cardiac death.

After all that I got to watch my baby drop through the centile chart, screaming all the time, yellow with jaundice, wetting maybe 1-2 nappies a day. Only after introducing formula did his weight stabilise and start rising, he slept for more than 30 minute stretches, his jaundice started resolving and he started creating plenty of heavy wet nappies.

Tell me where I should have tried harder before introducing bottles of formula. Bottles which come from a can with capital letters on the back BREAST IS BEST. We know we're not doing the best by our children, but what's the alternative? Try harder?

Why do you need to bang on about it and seek validation? Breast feeding is one of the least important parts to raising a child to adulthood. Maybe come back in 18 years time, I’m not sure you’ll want your breast feeding to be put on a pedestal then.

This feels a really smug post to me. Its great you've managed it but for some women they try their hardest to breast feed and it just doesn't work. They try and try but baby is distressed, not gaining weight and they're distressed. At the end of the day grown adults don't put on their cv how they were fed, it's not something we should even need to discuss. Good for you breast feeding but why do we need a post about it 🤯
No one judges you op and no one should judge women for bottle feeding as no one knows why they've chosen that route.
For the record I tried my best with dd1 she just wouldn't latch on wasn't feeding, I was becoming more and more depressed and switching to formula was the best choice I made. She's 8 now and doing just fine 😁

Thank you for this - I’ll take a look at the book recommendations!

I’m saying this as a mum who BF…..if you are proud then that’s all that matters. You seem to be seeking validation from others about how you choose to feed. Bluntly, get over it.

In the greater scheme of things it doesn’t matter at all how you feed as long as you feed. I’ve been a teacher for 15ish years, couldn’t tell you the children that were breastfed v formal fed. By 14 they are all eating Haribo any way so it really doesn’t matter.