To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

My family are all very anti breastfeeding and we’re absolutely mortified that I decided to breastfeed my DD. I got told (and am still getting told) that it’s not worth the effort, waste of time, not attractive and just not any better than FF. I actually bought formula and bottles because I thought I was an idiot for putting myself through all this initial stress for nothing. Then I realised that I know I’m doing it for my baby and screw everyone else. I get how easy it can be made to feel that there is no point to breastfeeding!

I’m not engaging with the BF vs FF debate going on here because I genuinely don’t GAF how anybody chooses to feed their babies as long as their baby is happy and healthy.

Just want to chime in to @ThatBusyPandaI’m really sorry to hear you’re having a hard time dealing with not being able to breastfeed. You should be proud of yourself, you brought a new human into the world, you love them, keep them warm, safe, cuddled, clean and comfortably fed. That’s what’s best for your baby and what kids need in the long term. I know it’s difficult as I had a similar struggle with DD2 as she had tongue tie that wasn’t noticed and by that point it would have been a mare to reestablish supply so I whipped out the trusty Aptamil. I spent a few days once switching feeling guilty and a bit of a shit mum but DD wasn’t gaining weight as expected and ultimately my concern over that overrode the feelings of guilt over not BF. I even went down the rabbit hole of thinking because I opted for an elective section (first birth was a 4 day back to back vaginal delivery with a 2nd degree cut and massive blood loss) I was somehow being punished for not having a natural birth. Sounds completely nuts now thinking back but having a baby can really fuck with our mind. I was diagnosed with PND eventually and went on a low dose of citalopram which brought me back onto a level playing field fortunately.

Don’t be hard on yourself, there’s so many ways of giving your children “the best” and you’ve got a healthy well fed baby. That’s the bottom line ❤️.

I breastfed my children and part of the problem is that you can’t mention anything about breastfeeding without being accused of shaming other mothers. You can’t even defend yourself in an argument about it because you’ll come across as shaming formula feeding parents. There is a huge amount of projection going on, including on this thread.

I had to deal with constant criticism and judgement from my ex MIL because I was breastfeeding. She seemed to take it as a personal attack. I couldn’t breastfeed in the same room as her. She would constantly say things like “why don’t you just give him a bottle”, “you need to be giving him water instead”, then when they got older “thank goodness he’s six months old now you can give him juice instead”.

The main issue in this country imo is that the breast is best message is pushed so much but if you have any problems, no support or help is forthcoming. I was shocked on the postnatal wards about how much they harped on about it but many of those are volunteers who have had maybe 2 hours of training. They don’t know how to help other than just to tell you to “try harder”. Tongue tie is still not recognised as a significant cause of breastfeeding issues. My ds1 had a tongue tie that was missed by several midwives and a HV and when I told the HV I’d seen a private lactation consultant who diagnosed it, she said that she was only after money. That was 10 years ago and not much has changed in the nhs since it seems.

i was proud of myself for breastfeeding even though I accept that it was partly luck which made it work. You can still be proud of yourself even whilst acknowledging that you were lucky. But mostly it has to be a private conversation. Feeding is a very emotive topic and best avoided with people you don’t know that well.

Yes I think people are very touchy about it so any conversation in the media ends up downplaying the benefits of breast feeding in order to make people who don't breast feed feel better. People can feed their baby how they want but we shouldn't downplay the benefits of breast feeding. The other side of this is how much society (and people on Mumsnet) judge people for still BF toddlers age 2+. The numbers for this are so low, so society needs to support them. It's bad on Mumsnet because they have an 'infant feeding' chat topic, and not a 'breast feeding' specific topic. So if you ask any questions regarding a toddler feeding, you get answers like 'thats ridiculous! Just wean him.' etc etc. it's not a safe space.

Well they can downplay breastfeeding if it’s massively over egged which it is.

I think there's too much emotional and personal hurt which makes it much harder to have a sensible discussion about the pros and cons of feeding methods.

Frankly the airtime given to breast feeding is ridiculous. As I said previously one of the least important parenting decisions a mother makes.

If we really want to improve the health and well being of children which actually many pro BF don’t really give a shit about we need to focus on the things that really matter such as children having phones, way too little exercise and not nearly healthy enough solid food right from weaning.

You're absolutely allowed to be proud and my experience is very similar to yours @Olive96

I find that breastfeeding is not a topic that can be discussed anywhere other than breastfeeding groups or with other breastfeeding mothers. This thread is a very clear example of why.

I’m really v proud I formula fed despite zero support from anybody to do so and the pressure to breast feed that caused my daughter to end up malnourished and dehydrated in SCBU.

The trouble is that BFing is so over-promoted throughout pregnancy, with posters plastered all over GP surgeries, children’s centres (where still open), it’s made to feel that it’s absolutely vital you do it, and it’s always presented as the only good choice you can make for your baby.

There is no nuance, no mention of possible problems, the causes of low supply, what the stats actually say about the benefits (population level vs individual, subjective vs objective). All of which would have useful to know in advance, to be able to make a truly informed choice about infant feeding (bearing in mind EBFing made my baby seriously ill).

It was highly coercive. The BFing support seemed to exist to egg people on to keep going, saying things like “never give up on a bad day” - what happens if you never have a good day BFing?

I’ve ended up as a long term BFer (over 3 years) but who had significant problems early on and combi-fed for the first year. I never experienced negativity for BFing, even of a toddler. I did get negative comments about using formula and was bullied at BFing support for using formula! BFing a newborn is an absolute nightmare. BFing a toddler takes a few mins a day and is no big deal.

I regret BFing. It’s one of the most miserable things I’ve ever done, and I did it because I was pressured into it, misinformed about the extent of the benefits and there was no objective support or advice about stopping and switching to formula.

The point is, surely, to feed your child!? What other people 'think' about that is irrelevant.

it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

Well it depends on how and who you say it to doesn’t it?
I can’t imagine that many people give a shit about how you feed your child. If you want to go on about how proud you are do it to your husband, anyone else is surely irrelevant no?

I agree with you but would just like to point out that breastfeeding isn't always that hard. I found it dead easy as have most women I know

OP, I honestly don’t think you have any idea how many mums who find BF difficult are made to feel about it. It’s 20 years ago for me now but I was called a failure by a midwife on the hospital ward after my ds was born and we struggled so much. She bullied me and reduced me to tears at my most vulnerable while her colleague just sat and watched. They gave me no comfort as I cried but just continued to berate me. It should have been a special time with my baby but it was not! I was weak, recovering from a very long labour, emm cs, almost needed a blood transfusion. Baby impatient for food.

Thank goodness my lovely community midwife made me feel totally fine with switching to FF when I got home (discharged myself frim that horrible ward!) What a huge relief that was.

I just hope that things have changed and women are supported no matter what method works best for them and their family.

If you’re proud that’s great but like many aspects of parenthood, it’s not something anyone should really expect anyone else to care about.

Sadly not @PrettyPuss. I’m so sorry you had to experience that, and it’s even worse now. I had my baby more recently than you and found BFing was promoted endlessly, the only mention of formula was that it was “unnecessary”. The hospital and midwives were so anti-formula they let my baby become seriously ill with dehydration, whilst encouraging me to keep on BFing! She ended up being readmitted and had to be tube fed formula to save her life.

Then the Health Visitor would only provide support for BFing, and wouldn’t advise on FFing!

Reading the OP again, OP you are clearly disappointed that other people aren't praising you for BF.

'I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all.' Surely the point is that you are feeding your baby? And that you persevered to be able to feed your baby in the way that you wanted to. Surely, you aren't BF for the praise you think it should garner?

I suspect that people around you can sense that you want to be praised for BF, hence their replies.

Like I said, there are many aspects of parenting as your children grow up that you can feel extremely proud of but that no-one else cares about.

It is fine for you to feel proud of yourself, OP for what you have achieved. But don't expect anyone else to care.

The danger is that if either BF or FF are undermined in an effort to reassure mums doing the opposite thing, it is always going to make one group feel bad.

So sorry to read that 🙁

You've done a brilliant job and your baby will gain from this all their life.
How we feed our babies is up to us. I breastfed mine because I found it more convenient (slightly obsessive so dealing with bottle feeding would have been a nightmare) and I liked it.
But friends bottle fed happily and that's fine.
Don't feel undermined and bear in mind that the companies making formula milk have a vested interest in promoting the idea that formula is just as good. Ignore them.