To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

Keep all baby feeding stuff to yourself is how I ended up managing because it’s incredibly personal and stressful for everyone whichever route you take and actually sharing one opinion or even your story can cause great offence. So I think it’s honestly best not to share much about our choices on it unless you’re absolutely certain you won’t cause upset - which I think is always likely when it comes to baby feeding decisions!

Fair enough if you're exposed to debate, although I still find this really bizarre if someone would do that. But I don't get talking about BF to someone who doesn't BF. I've talked about it when my boobs went rock hard when I first started, and also when it was hurting to my friend who was also BF at the same times as she had her baby the day before mine. But can't say I've ever talked about it with anyone else, it's just not a topic that comes up. Not sure why you'd feel like the bad guy when you're doing the best thing you can for your baby. Perhaps an example might be better this really doesn't make sense at all. Obviously if you're going on about how easy you've found it to someone who didn't find it easy would make you a bit of a dickhead.

But my point is that it wasn’t good fortune!? And that’s the narrative - if you bf you just got lucky.

I don’t really understand the how the analogy you gave is at all the same.

It's fine to feel proud of persevering through something difficult. Though I know for me I would have found formula feeding more difficult as there's all the hassle of cleaning and sterilising bottles and making up feeds just right. Both my babies had formula sometimes, especially my oldest as I didn't have a good supply to begin with, and even though breastfeeding had its difficulties and hurt a lot, I found bottle feeding harder. So both methods have their difficulties and anyone who persevered through having to get up to make bottles in the middle of the night should feel proud too!

This is exactly why op it’s best to say nothing on the subject- chances are you have your own demons; but you don’t know what demons other people are managing and for some people this time of life is full of trauma and extreme stress. If you and your baby have survived, and you are managing well- take the win and enjoy it quietly! x

Well there is a point, which has been scientifically proven so there's no need to feel flat about it 😐

Except they really do seem to 🤣

I have five children. Not one person has ever asked me outside of a healthcare setting how I am feeding my babies. Ever.

So one example recently. A friend I know is FF asked me how long I plan to breastfeed in a group setting.

I said I didn’t really know, I had no issues continuing whilst is was working for us all, she asked me why I would continue - it’s at this point I completely clam up and don’t know what is okay to talk about - the benefits of doing so, the bonding we’ve experienced etc. I feel like I’ve been conditioned to keep that to myself so that no one gets upset!

Here are the key points:

• if you and your baby are alive after the first part of ‘life’ - it’s a win
• if you have no major trauma and can function well and enjoy it sometimes - that’s a win
• if your body works mostly as it should and you can advocate for yourself - that’s a win
• if you share love and joy with your child and they can reciprocate- that’s a win.

the rest is just the fluff of life and the less time you think about what others’ do or don’t do, the better

I will also add that parenting is largely a thankless task- so try to absorb the good and shrug off the bad!!!

That’s really interesting actually - our experience in that sense is vastly different.

Well done for persevering with breastfeeding, it is difficult and you should be proud.
Formula feeding is not always the easy way out though and it is totally fine to ff if that's what a mum chooses. I Bf one and ff my other child. Bf was harder initially, ff was harder in the long run. Also there's no difference in them. No one would be able to point out which one was bf.
Do you have a partner? Have they celebrated you for breast feeding? Beyond that yabu to expect anyone else to.

She literally asked you 🙄 stop being over dramatic

Exactly this! And if you think resources are lacking for BF then bottle feeding support is dire! There is an assumption that bottles just work. Babies need to latch to bottles too but no one checks the latch on bottle fed babies, leading to some very refluxy, colicky babies and stressed out parents thinking it’s something they are doing wrong (often those who already have misplaced guilt that they weren’t able to BF!). Oral function issues are also completely dismissed with FF babies.
You are also faced with stupid messages like “breast feeding is the best way to feed your baby, only give formula under medical advice” literally on everything, everywhere.

There are a lot of benefits to BF. But there are tones for FF too and the messaging is just wrong for all ways of feeding a baby. One of my personal favourites is “breast milk contains everything you need to feed your baby” oh but you will also need to supplement with vitamin D. One of my friends got 4 months into BF before they were told that.

It’s all such nonsense and makes no difference to outcome these days. So well done for persevering with BF, but no one is going to give you a medal I’m afraid because it doesn’t make any sizeable difference. It just means you believe in the benefits of BF enough to go through what you did.

Another example was a friend talking about how difficult their sister had found BF’ing and spoke for quite a while about why FF was the best option. It felt in that instance like it was aimed at me, as if it’s automatically assumed I’ll judge?

I don’t care how people feed their children, I just think if you’re going to invite conversation about it then I would like to be honest about my experience being difficult but worthwhile without feeling like that is a bad thing to mention!! It feels like I should be apologetic that I got ‘lucky’ - when I didn’t get lucky at all

Of course it is partly good fortune. Your baby could latch. You weren't hit by such severe thrush in the breast that you needed an unapproved drug to get clear, your baby would feed successfully and put on weight, you had a sufficient milk supply, your baby didn't have undiagnosed tongue tie. You didn't suffer from severe split nipples or mastitis.

There is a huge element of luck.

I bf too. I worked hard at it, I had two of the above but I still got lucky because I had a GP who wouldn't give up and supported me.

I'm a single mum but my DS is in independent school because we got lucky again. It still involves a huge amount of work on my part, but I would never dream of using it as a narrative to criticise the efforts of others.

The knowledge that I am doing the best I can for my child is all that matters.

Well she asked me to justify breastfeeding longer term - I don’t know how to do that without talking about the benefits of it, and I don’t know how to talk about the benefits of it without feeling like a shitty person

I don’t understand why you care what the narrative is? I don’t really understand why anyone cares what the narrative is. Breastfeeding was important to me but I didn’t expect a big imaginary thumbs up from anyone

I positively chose to use formula. Never tried bf and glad Mn wasn’t around to criticise me.

It doesn’t make any difference to how good a parent you are so I’ll never understand why if you bf you would feel proud. The parenting bond is the same regardless of how they were fed.

Unfortunately for me this wasn’t my experience first time round. My baby didn’t latch, I did suffer from severe split nipples and I had absolutely no support! I also had no clue about my babies weight - she wasn’t weighed by a professional after the day she was born.

I won’t go in to the research, time and effort that I put in to it. But it was a lot and certainly didn’t feel like good fortune or luck

I'm sorry you weren't able to feed your child the way you wanted. That happens and you shouldn't feel guilty. Formula is very good and I'm sure your child will thrive.

Having said that, all research shows that breastfeeding brings extra benefits. Do you want people to lie to spare your feelings? What about the mothers who are currently trying to decide between bf or ff, don't they deserve full information?

It also feels like a taboo to say but some people find breastfeeding very easy and FF a lot harder/more work by comparison. So I don't think you can say "this one is really hard work" and "this one isn't"

Are you maybe coming across as moaning about it to family and friends so there trying to reassure you if its a struggle that formula feeding is completely fine. Breastfeeding is obviously a great option but it's not worth going through hell to achieve it as the difference is minimal.

Yeah I agree that neither should be considered easy, absolutely.

IF we are going to be part of conversations about feeding - like everyone on this thread is choosing to, and like some people in real life choose to then I think that conversation should be open and honest. My experience is that it’s expected to be my responsibility to spare other people’s feelings