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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:07

I'd find it a curious place to do it but it wouldn't bother me. It's going to be diluted pretty fast.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/04/2025 21:10

I agree, they should have done it away from other people. (If only for their own sense of occasion!)

But quarter of a jam jar of ashes is going to blend in pretty quickly. I wonder where the rest of Martin is?

HopscotchBanana · 27/04/2025 21:10

Was she on the boat tour?

Or did the boat tour stop where someone was coincidentally scattering ashes?

Seawolves · 27/04/2025 21:11

A quarter of a jam jar is a very small amount of human ashes, DH's ashes are heavy and in a much larger box than that. I don't think I could get het up about a few ashes in the sea.

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:12

Maybe Martin was actually a hamster?

pimplebum · 27/04/2025 21:14

I’d want to do it privately personally but what actually is your issue ?? The emotion ? Pollution?

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 27/04/2025 21:15

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:12

Maybe Martin was actually a hamster?

Or a goldfish 🤣🤣

It's a bit odd OP but a bit of ash in the water wouldn't bother me if I was swimming.

FloofyKat · 27/04/2025 21:16

How do you know she was ‘performance crying’? Sounds a bit unkind…

GustyBaloo · 27/04/2025 21:17

I don't want Martin in my mouth and hair.

SnackDealer25 · 27/04/2025 21:18

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/04/2025 21:10

I agree, they should have done it away from other people. (If only for their own sense of occasion!)

But quarter of a jam jar of ashes is going to blend in pretty quickly. I wonder where the rest of Martin is?

Maybe he was a hobbit?

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:18

No she was on the boat trip too. Well it's obviously just me then! I'll unclutch my pearls and have a word with myself.

I'll also tell me kids when they do scatter my ashes to do it privately!

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 27/04/2025 21:19

Why would you not want your children to see ashes being scattered just out of interest ? It wouldn’t be something I’d be especially worried about. I was present when my BIL “ scattered” the ashes of my MIL. We were on a lifeboat at the time and the crew were all standing respectfully and I thought he would say a few words or read a poem but no he just dumped her over the side. Some people are not very poetic I guess. I think the scenario sounds quite idyllic from a setting point of view.. beautiful setting & families playing. I imagine the family were not really thinking about the “optics” of it all.

caringcarer · 27/04/2025 21:19

I think it's inappropriate to scatter where others are swimming. No dignity for Martin.

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:20

caringcarer · 27/04/2025 21:19

I think it's inappropriate to scatter where others are swimming. No dignity for Martin.

Especially if it was only part of him. Or he was actually a land lover. They didn't know him at all 😢

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:21

No it wasn't a pet, does that make it better or worse? She said something along the lines of "He was a great guy, I'll miss him".

I too thought it was a small amount and maybe his family had the rest, and would they be happy where they'd scattered him?

OP posts:
Apollo365 · 27/04/2025 21:21

I think I’d feel weird about this too.. what if you accidentally swallowed a bit of Martin whilst swimming 🤔

Redpeach · 27/04/2025 21:22

Very white lotus!

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/04/2025 21:22

Someone I know was sunbathing on a yacht when she found herself covered in what she thought was sand. It stuck to her sunscreen, and went everywhere.

It wasn’t sand.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/04/2025 21:22

It's finely ground incinerated bone fragments. No grosser than casting a handful of compost out to sea.
So I wouldn't be bothered. More a bit intrigued!

Screamingabdabz · 27/04/2025 21:22

Another pearl clutcher here who agrees with you. Totally inappropriate and self absorbed way to scatter ashes.

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 27/04/2025 21:23

I think more than anything you come across as a bit cold.
“Performance crying” is a horrible term to use about someone who has lost someone or even a pet.
In the sea there is going to be all sorts floating around in there anyway, I couldn’t get worked up about ashes/dust. There will be far worse things in there with them in the vast sea!

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:23

I must say OP when I read the title of your thread I hadn't remotely expected this to be what you were clutching your pearls about!

I'm sure this isn't the way most people go about scattering loved ones ashes but I can't see it did anyone any harm.
And if it gave some sort of closure to his loved ones then good.

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:24

@Springadorable I wasn't worried about my kids seeing Martin's ashes more about them swallowing him!

Nope, sorry my head can't do the mental gymnastics as to this being reasonable!

Looks like I'm gonna be one of those annoying posters who ask AIBU and then wont accept they are! Sorry! ;)

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 27/04/2025 21:25

I think someone might have ‘minded’ if they’d got a gob full of Martin whilst doing breast stroke!

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 27/04/2025 21:25

It would bother me to be honest OP some people don’t think things through

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