Am I a pearl clutcher?

[Pawse]

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

I think it comes down to whether the ash particles sink or float.
If they sink then dissolve quickly (like eg pouring sugar) then it's a bit undignified but not awful.
If they float in a layer on top before slowly sinking/dissolving then it is completely disgusting. This is how I imagine it and can just picture the ashes sticking to the faces/ hair of people them swimming through that area.

I'm with you just scatter them off a moving boat not in with a bunch of families

Will he sink or will he float?
Is he anchor or is he boat?

She sounds bonkers

Pearl clutcher is a stupid insult designed to belittle women who object to things by making out they're not as cool as the open minded people who don't object. So I'd never agree anyone deserved to be called that. I do however think you're U. Firstly to accuse a bereaved person of 'performance crying', secondly to impose your ideas of 'dignity' on to others. For all you know, Martin may have been her child and swimming off that boat a very happy memory. The ashes themselves can't hurt anyone diluted by so much sea.

Depending on what country you’re in the sea could already be polluted with things much worse than ashes ; ) the sea is very big. There are no rules for scattering ashes as far as I’m aware and I’d personally not have chosen to scatter a loved ones ashes like that but who knows the backstory.

Yeah, I am with you. Dead humans should not be mixed with live humans in a human sea soup. Scatter the ashes away from people swimming.

YABU to say she was "performance crying"; scattering ashes is an emotional occasion for most people and it's reasonable to allow for the possibility that she might have been upset. Also "pearl clutching", unfortunately, has a bit of a misogynist history and tone.

This has made me laugh far too much!

Who gives a shit about the actual alive people enjoying the sea and being assailed by human remains then eh? 🙄

To be fair, some people do refer to their dog as 'a great little guy' so Martin could have been a pet.

For some reason I can't cope with Ashes. When my DH picked my mums up I had to call my sister to ask if she could have them within 10 mins of him getting home with them. The thought of my mum now being those ground up ashes in a box, just really unsettled me. So no, I wouldn't have wanted to have been swimming with Martyn being scattered right next to me and potentially in my hair etc.

It's common to split ashes between family members. I have a bit of my dad in my cabinet. The rest of him is split between step-mum and my sisters. There a miniature urn containing FIL in the cabinet too, DH's siblings and step-MIL have their own small urns and the rest of him is buried.
Martin could have been shared put to be scattered or kept elsewhere.

But back to the OP; it wasn't right at all for that lady to do that. It should have been done privately and with dignity.

So someone has lost a loved one and has come to scatter ashes and they are 'performance crying'. How very Mumsnet of you.

It is illegal in some countries to scatter ashes. ?turkey

Agree,it’s somewhat inappropriate to tip Martin off a boat whilst others are swimming in proximity. It lacks a certain gravitas

I agree, after over 21 years of mumnset I am VERY mumnset but I have to say your post is very pot calling the kettle black!

Coming onto a thread a slagging off the OP without even bothering to answer the original question is so very nouveau mumsnet of you.

And I was there and can assure you it was performative.

I think that's a bit odd.

If I was scattering ashes I wouldn't go on a little tourist boat with strangers. You weren't that far out to sea. It would have been little trouble to hire a little boat for half an hour. Or even stand in the surf, privately at sunset.

It should be a personal thing.

I think it's clear my post did answer it, yes – YABU.

Oh come now. Assailed? The guy poured some fine dust into the sea, he didn't revive a mouldering corpse and unleash it to attack a bunch of hapless tourist on a caves and coves tour.

Clutching my pearls for you OP

Everyone is different though. Martin might have requested it. Maybe he loved going there when it was all full of happy people.

I was watching a documentary about a warship and the captain had some of his brothers ashes with him that the brothers wife had given him with instructions to drop a small amount in every new place he can. The brother was an adventurer and keen traveller apparently. I thought that was lovely.

Also, cremated remains are just non organic bone tissue ground up. You can’t even obtain DNA from it. There are much MUCH grosser things in the sea.

It’s a bit of an odd place to do it but it’s not harming anyone. I’d worry far more about the dumping of raw sewage and toxic waste in our seas than some harmless carbon dust.

A turd would have been worse

Not a pearl clutcher. But someone lacking in empathy, perhaps.