Am I a pearl clutcher?

[Pawse]

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

I took my dad's ashes on a UK domestic flight. I'll be honest, I was a bit worried they would confiscate him or take him away for testing. They did open my bag and ask what they were. I said "my dad's ashes" and then said "oh, OK" and gave them back with no bother.
Not sure how I'd have gotten on on an international flight but luckily I'm not planning on taking him on Holiday 😁

I must be a pearl clutcher too then. I have nothing against anyone scattering the ashes of their loved ones in a favourite spot, something my family has done, but I personally find that whole scenario completely inappropriate. Ah well, it takes all sorts!

Now there's a bit of googling I could have done without. I was wondering if there was any toxicity associated with getting a mouthful of Martin water. Turns out no.
Also turns out some people do some really odd things with the ashes of loved ones.

Still, I'd not personally appreciate Martin being sprinkling where my kids could swallow his pulverised bone fragments either. Sterilised by fire or not.

I also know what you mean by performative crying.

YANBU.

I think Martin was a West Highland terrier who liked to chase his ball into the sea.

Former death worker here. Cremated remains would have zero traces of plastic in them after cremation. Cremation requires extremely high heat over a long period of time. The remains are not really bones anymore just minerals. They are completely sanitary and pose no risk. Also, don't judge the poor woman. Grief is different for everyone, and in her mind what she was doing was a touching rememberance of a loved one.

@TwinklyNightI’m reminded of my late dad’s bowling club in a popular park, they had to introduce a rule that ashes must be scattered in a particular place, but not on the bowling green because of the grey residue they left on bowls!

I'm not judging anyone's way of dealing with their loss and I don't think there's anything in my post to suggest I was.

I don't know much about the cremation process. There has been a lot in the news recently about microplastics and how they are in every part of us, our brains, bones and even our blood. It's not unreasonable to wonder how much of that ends up in the environment when we die, whether through cremation (apparently not) or burial (it might be more pertinent there.)

Yes you are a pearl clutcher because you clutched them. I mean your post is full of the judging eg “performance crying”.

It was absolutely no skin off your nose. You just wanted to pass on your faux concern hoping we’d all have a good laugh / clutch about it too. Not very nice.

😂

I think it was a bit of a performance and it should have been done away from the others. Although it sounds like it was just you left to watch?

If you were shocked by this, don’t ever visit the Ganges!

The tiny bit of Martin that went into the water was a bit of carbon. There will be worse in the Mediterranean that you can’t see even in the clearest water.

Having said that it was a strange decision to do such a personal thing in front of a group of captive tourists!

I live by a popular tourist beach, people are always scattering "ashes" and roses in the water. I don't mind too much but if it was me I would do it in the winter not in the summer when the water is full of people. I think "ashes" is a bit of a euphemism though. Let's be honest, it's really ground up skeleton people are throwing in the water.

YADNBU. I wouldn’t have been ‘completely shocked’ or even remotely so, but you’re absolutely right that this is minging for others in the vicinity, disrespectful (not least to Martin) and in fact objectively, hilarious.
Whoever said ‘white lotus’ was spot on.
Thank you for sharing and I hope you can savour this as a bloody good anecdote several kids hairwashes into the future x

You are definitely overreacting. It was obviously a special place for them.

My judging comment was more for people posting here in general, not specifically towards you. My apologies, I wasn't very clear about that.
I think a lot of people don't quite understand what cremation truly does to the body after death. After cremation you are left with calcium, salts, carbon and bone fragments. The bone fragments are incredibly brittle and aren't really bone anymore. Most countries then pulverize the bones to the ashes before returning them to the family. I know it sounds pretty morbid but it's less invasive than being embalmed.

I absolutely despise the expression “pearl clutcher”….

Agree. Horrible expression. And it's always trotted out as if the posters using it think they're being witty and clever.

I think you have a right to be flabbergasted 😂. I'd be thinking eww eww eww! Swimming in bits of Martin 🤭...

I wonder if she's scattering bits of him in various places they were happy together or similar?

My Dad's ashes are in two separate places (although I've just realised I've no idea where one of them is!).

It doesn't sound morbid. I binge watched Six Feet Under some years ago and have been convinced that the more we talk about these things the better. We should treat death as a life-stage (albeit the last one) and not as something to fear. For cultural/historical reasons, I'm not sure about cremation, but I really don't like the idea of going into the ground full of formaldehyde - cremation would definitely be a better option.

Look into aqua-cremation or natural burials. I'm from the States and these are increasingly becoming a more attractive alternative. Aqua-cremation uses a lot less energy and resources, and natural burial is exactly like it sounds, no embalming or preserving (beyond refrigeration) and buries in a unbleached cotton shroud.

One thing I also want people to understand is that you are not required to be embalmed. Some funeral directors like to say that for money making reasons but there is no requirement. Just make sure your views are well known to your family.

Sounds quite strange but I doubt I’d be flabbergasted or be worried too much about my kids seeing it

I do find the “dilution ratio” a funny one. So it’s not ok to scatter ashes near people swimming, but the water is full of ashes and other undesirable things anyway… so is it ok so long as you can’t see it?

The best example is bodies…. if there was a body floating in a pool then people wouldn’t get in. But people still swim in the sea and the chances are there are some in there!

What point is it ok?

I would prefer to do it discretely personally but it wouldn't bother me at all.

The same point that says it's ok to have your wedding photos taken in a churchyard, but if there was a dead body propped up on the lych gate, it'd probably ruin the shot.