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Original poster

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
AppleBlossomMay · 27/04/2025 23:03

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/04/2025 22:49

Some of these responses about cats , goldfish, hamsters and Tanya from the white lotus are killing me - sorry for the pun. I just wanted to say thank you OP for starting this thread, even if I massively missed the tone.

Same here! I know the scattering of Martin's ashes was a sad, emotional event for those who knew him, but I can't help but laugh at some of the posts wondering who or what Martin was and wondering where his ashes ended up.

MyLittleNest · 27/04/2025 23:08

Martin deserved more respect and so did the other people on the boat.

It should have been less public. I would have been wildly uncomfortable.

FootFlapperage · 27/04/2025 23:09

Yanbu

BunnyLake · 27/04/2025 23:12

I’m quite happy to be a pearl clutcher, not sure why it’s so scorned really. I’m often clutching them over something or other. 😁

I would have found it odd that they didn’t go to a quiet corner. My dad’s ashes were scattered in the sea but in a more private spot.

Marmiv87 · 27/04/2025 23:15

’Performance crying’ this is a mean thing to say.

Personally I would feel sorry for her and would want to show her some kindness. If my children witnessed they would most probably feel empathy for her too !

Sorry OP but you do sound like a pearl clutcher you should have just enjoyed your day on the boat with your loved ones and been thankful thart you weren’t in the ladies position.

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2025 23:17

It’s incredibly odd!

Profhilodisaster · 27/04/2025 23:20

Leeds2 · 27/04/2025 22:20

My dad died last year, and we were told by the undertaker that a human's ashes weigh approximately the same as their birth weight. I have heard several accounts from people trying to scatter their loved one's ashes that it is more difficult than you would imagine, as in they can blow back in your face and don't actually waft away as you might imagine.
I only add this for context!

My dad was a big chap , tall and well built, his ashes weighed a ton ! I was also surprised at how gritty he was , he certainly wasn't just dust .

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:21

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

White Lotus Season 1?!

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:23

Redpeach · 27/04/2025 21:22

Very white lotus!

She’ll be tellling us an incest story soon! You don’t have a son who loves his older brother so you Op?!

m00rfarm · 27/04/2025 23:25

I would have been fine with Martin's ashes being publicly spread whilst we were motoring along. But I absolutely do NOT want a mouthful of Martin whilst I am swimming. I would have left the sea extremely quickly and probably said that it was inappropriate for Martin to be in a position where he could have been swallowed by a number of different people. I would love to know whether Martin had requested being spread in the sea among swimmers, so that he could continue his life inside these people.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:26

m00rfarm · 27/04/2025 23:25

I would have been fine with Martin's ashes being publicly spread whilst we were motoring along. But I absolutely do NOT want a mouthful of Martin whilst I am swimming. I would have left the sea extremely quickly and probably said that it was inappropriate for Martin to be in a position where he could have been swallowed by a number of different people. I would love to know whether Martin had requested being spread in the sea among swimmers, so that he could continue his life inside these people.

Takling the long route very the toliet. Poor Martin.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/04/2025 23:40

Sounds like someone desperate to have a fuss made over them because "LOOK AT ME, I AM GRIEVING". Yes it would be more dignified respectful to all concerned to do it away from the families, but then no one would have seen the performance would they?

OogieBoogiO · 27/04/2025 23:42

I would NOT be happy to bathe in someone’s ashes. Though, I can imagine how Martin wanted to go snorkelling but died of prostate cancer before getting the chance and now his wife and friends are helping him with his “bucket list”.

Waterweight · 27/04/2025 23:52

I 100% agree but laughed because it's such a bizarre thing to do

WhatterySquash · 27/04/2025 23:55

PickyTits · 27/04/2025 22:57

YABU - I've probably had worse in my mouth than a bit of dead Martin

This! I wouldn’t mind at all unless the ashes actually went in my face/eyes and even then only in the same way as I would feel about any dust or ashes. I wouldn’t mind them being chucked in the sea around me.

I’d find the crying and declaiming more awkward and prefer them to do that in private but I think I’d just quietly wander off and leave them to it.

sunshinespringtime · 27/04/2025 23:58

It’s totally bizarre. I agree OP. You don’t scatter ashes in water where people are swimming.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 23:59

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

Honestly wouldn’t bother me
Yip, you’re a pearl clutcher😂

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/04/2025 00:04

I’ve seen posts were people are eviscerated for putting items in wrong colour bin
Pour MartinWhatsHisName in the ocean in proximity of others and nadda. That’s tickety boo
Op asks is it inappropriate to tip Martin in ocean during swim time and she’s a heartless husk lacking in empathy.

dottiehens · 28/04/2025 00:08

Yes, I would do something private but you are not very good at empathy.

CarlyCoffee · 28/04/2025 00:13

I don’t understand where all the dead people go.

Like graveyards are big but they’re not THAT big when you think about the sheer number of people who die every week.

I know a sizeable number will be cremated. Is that now largely more common than burial?

Because unless most are being cremated…where are they all?

BigHeadBertha · 28/04/2025 00:17

Yeah, I agree that's a bit much. I'd find it rather upsetting/offputting and would be glad my kids missed it too.

I'd guess most people don't scatter ashes more than once in their lifetime so I'd guess it's common for poor choices to be made when doing so.

Velmy · 28/04/2025 00:20

I was there and accidentally swallowed a mouthful of Martin. His soul currently lives on through me.

He says sorry, the family are a bit weird, but he hopes you enjoyed the rest of your holiday 👍

Coffeeteasugar · 28/04/2025 00:24

This reminds me of the conundrum about body to water ratio. Nobody would swim in a swimming pool with a dead body in it, but will swim in the sea with multiple dead bodies in it. What is the water to body ratio that people are ok with?

TheOriginalEmu · 28/04/2025 00:24

I’d like to know how you know a total stranger is ‘performance crying’ as opposed to just crying.

your whole post is mean spirited and cruel. It’s not hurting anyone.

EastGrinstead · 28/04/2025 00:25

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:47

I agree, after over 21 years of mumnset I am VERY mumnset but I have to say your post is very pot calling the kettle black!

Coming onto a thread a slagging off the OP without even bothering to answer the original question is so very nouveau mumsnet of you.

And I was there and can assure you it was performative.

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OP, you are not a 'pearl clutcher' - you are just unpleasant and rude.

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