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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 27/04/2025 22:36

When my cousin died and was cremated, she wanted her ashes scattered in 3 places:
Tavern on the Green in NYC (illegal, but they snuck in and did it anyhow on the grass).
Up high in the Sierras at their cabin.
Maui - they hired a boat that took them pretty far offshore and also threw leis and other flowers (I think they have services for that, not sure).

My aunt was so torn up about it that she held some of the ashes back and went back to Maui twice more to do it again.

JillAndJenTheFlowerpotMen · 27/04/2025 22:36

Tbf the other swimmers didn’t get to consent to having Martin in their mouths and swimsuits.

CatamaranViper · 27/04/2025 22:37

godmum56 · 27/04/2025 22:05

Well unless its a Turkish Van, its gonna HATE that!

Dunno like. My BSH likes to soak in the tub with me every now and again. He'd make a great sea-cat

Perhapsanothertime · 27/04/2025 22:38

As someone who regularly scatters ashes in the sea and gets them blown back at me I can’t get worked up 🙈

ohmyfootreallyhurts · 27/04/2025 22:39

All I can think about is Tania on the White Lotus

andtheworldrollson · 27/04/2025 22:40

You were worried about them swallowing ashes? They eat meat? Walk alongside traffic and breathe the fumes ? It’s just carbon - chemically it will not be much different to the ashes in your wood burner I would guess?

afig · 27/04/2025 22:40

From a purely selfish point of view, I wouldn't enjoy seeing someone scatter ashes where I was trying to enjoy an expensive and rare holiday. It's not a time when I'd appreciate being reminded of death. I know people like to do this in places that are beautiful or meaningful, but personally, I'd rather it were done quietly and privately.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 27/04/2025 22:40

Yanbu. Very weird to tip Martin off the side of a boat surrounded by families having a day out!

Loub1987 · 27/04/2025 22:43

Yeah, it would bother me OP.

AnnaL94 · 27/04/2025 22:44

RIP Martin 💙

I hope you’re enjoying the beautiful crystal blue waters, fish, snorkelers, children’s piss and Pawse’s pearls. 🙏🏼 🌊 🐚

AppleBlossomMay · 27/04/2025 22:44

I would be worried about someone swallowing some of the ashes too, so I think it would have been more appropriate to scatter his ashes away from others.

Edenmum2 · 27/04/2025 22:47

i think the great story would be worth any anxiety about the event

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/04/2025 22:49

Some of these responses about cats , goldfish, hamsters and Tanya from the white lotus are killing me - sorry for the pun. I just wanted to say thank you OP for starting this thread, even if I massively missed the tone.

DysmalRadius · 27/04/2025 22:49

Are people really routinely swimming in the sea with their mouths open? I do anything I can to avoid a mouthful of salty water - is that really unusual?

maryberryslayers · 27/04/2025 22:50

I'd be annoyed if I was next to them, ashes would float for a short while and I wouldn't want to be covered in bits of Martin whilst swimming regardless of what else is in the sea.
I also wouldn't want to be witness to someone scattering ashes whilst I'm trying to enjoy the boat trip I've paid for, it's morbid and definitely something that should be done in private. It's also not really something that young children need to see whilst they are enjoying their holiday, mine would be worried by a hysterical, sobbing adult. Completely inappropriate.

Profhilodisaster · 27/04/2025 22:50

It wouldn't bother me but I'd find it a bit odd . Maybe Martin was a fan of the cruise and swim excursions and he wanted to do one more belly flop off the boat.
Rip Martin

Amberlynnswashcloth · 27/04/2025 22:50

I don't think the ashes would bother me. Worse would be the awkward juxtaposition of a grieving family amid the excitement of the holiday activities. It wouldn't feel right to have fun while a burial is taking place right next to me. I would probably remove myself until they had finished.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/04/2025 22:52

DysmalRadius · 27/04/2025 22:49

Are people really routinely swimming in the sea with their mouths open? I do anything I can to avoid a mouthful of salty water - is that really unusual?

No, no it's not. The sea is literally not for getting your 2 litres of water a day and everyone knows that it's full of horrendousness, whether you see people peeing in the water or not.

2021x · 27/04/2025 22:53

Hmmm I wouldn’t be too happy about it either.

The opposite of a “pearl clutcher” is “well it wouldn’t bother me” of which there are more than a few of on MN

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2025 22:54

I’m clutching my pearls - Martin deserved better

Lavender14 · 27/04/2025 22:55

BobbyBiscuits · 27/04/2025 21:22

It's finely ground incinerated bone fragments. No grosser than casting a handful of compost out to sea.
So I wouldn't be bothered. More a bit intrigued!

Logically I know this - but in reality if I was swimming and someone emptied ashes in the water beside me I'd be totally grossed out and feel like I needed to get out of the water. I think it's a bit inconsiderate of the other people around who might feel like they couldn't enjoy their moment for fear of offending. It sounds like they've just not thought it through well.

ricardiana · 27/04/2025 22:56

I believe that's illegal, certainly anti social. There are regulations as for anything.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/04/2025 22:56

Only half a jam jar?? My DM was very thin when she died but her ashes would have filled at least 3 jam jars!

PickyTits · 27/04/2025 22:57

YABU - I've probably had worse in my mouth than a bit of dead Martin

honeylulu · 27/04/2025 23:02

ohmyfootreallyhurts · 27/04/2025 22:39

All I can think about is Tania on the White Lotus

Yes me too! "Goodbye Mother!" then a couple of years later Greg had all mother's money anyway

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