Am I a pearl clutcher?

[Pawse]

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

“Performance crying” is a very cruel way to put it….

I don’t think you are a pearl clutched, I think you are just normal. Who want to have the leftovers of Martin in their hair (not and other places) I’m not sure it’s what Martin would have wanted unless he was a creep.
I wonder why the amount was so small. Watch out OP, maybe she is going it in portions in different places because it’s Martin’s favourite cruise?

Presumably you haven't met this woman before and saw her cry for the first time during this event so no you can't assure people it was performative crying. It could be the way she cries! I thought that was a bit rude and a bit of hyperbole to try strengthen your argument.

Martin's ashes would be thr least of my worries of what's on me in the sea. It's quite literally polluted with absolute shite - althought that still doesn't stop me swimming in it.

Um…. This needs more information I feel.

I would want it to be a private moment too. And I certainly wouldn't want anyone to be covered in Martin's magic dust, if I was Martin, I would want to be swept out to sea to continue travelling etc.

I’m with you OP. Ignore the critics. I don’t think you lack of empathy or a pearl clutcher

Ewww...just no. Nononono. In NZ, it's incredibly disrespectful, and a rahui (tapu, preventing food gathering, human presence in the area) would be placed upon an area where ashes have been scattered, or someone has died. When a friend died, her son, a poseur par excellence, scattered her ashes over her parents' grave with a great flourish and following a eulogy, all about himself... It was a windy day, and a tremendous gust blew the ashes all over us...much coughing and sneezing. I can just imagine her having a good old chuckle about her last gesture to the little whippersnapper who never went to see her.

I hate the expression "pearl clutcher". It's a lazy, hackneyed phrase used on here routinely just to ridicule and mock.

Reading back your first post- how long did it take you to write it and how many drafts did you have before you thought you'd got it just right?

If Martin was cremated, presumably the heat would of killed off any nasties?

This reminds me of a conversation that happened after my grandmother died. She always wanted to travel but due to her disability that wasnt possible. My Uncle suggested that they split her ashes 5 ways and each scatter a portion when they went to a place they knew she wanted to visit. My Aunt objected saying that it was like chopping up a dead body. I could (and still do) see both points of view.

I got SUCH a bollocking when ma and pa were discussing this at home because I got the (morbid) giggles at the mental image of my Uncle lobbing a dismembered leg off the back of a cruise ship.

You think the poor man has been scattered in instalments???

I would have found it weird indeed. I'm a vegetarian and I wouldn't appreciate getting Martin's ashes in my mouth. As for the performative crying- was the woman American? For having lived there I can say that the majority of them do everything performative so it wouldn't surprise me a bit.

Fairly common no? We scattered some of my friend's ashes in a place that meant a lot to them. Her mum and Dad (separated) both got some, kept some in jewelry and scattered the rest in different places.

We scattered my grandparents at a family plot and the place they used to go on holiday every year.

No it would creep me out too. What if some of Martin went in my mouth??

Totally irrelevant, I know, but was this the Blue Lagoon in Gozo? I only ask because it's a bit crowded and usually packed solid with tourists.

Poor Martin, probably going home stuck to the end of someone's snorkel, or on the bottom of a flip flop.

🤣🤣🤣

Lifeboat crew. We get asked to scatter quite a lot! And we don’t have a big all weather boat, just inshore boats, so we’re close to the water!

From a hygiene perspective it’s no worse than a bit of sand so wouldn’t bother me on that front.

I think it’s a bit performative and melodramatic on her part though.

I agree she should have been more discrete about it. Pushing your grief into people’s holidays is poor behaviour. Understandable and acceptable if you are surprised by it - but to plan on scattering someone’s ashes loudly in the middle of a tourist swim trip open to the public is pretty off.

However, even swallowing a bit of someone’s ashes isn’t actually in anyway bad for you. You are constantly recycling bits that have been in parts of other people. It’s how the ecosystem works. A few flecks of ash in sea water is only awful if you actually take the time to conceptualize it as Martin. You don’t do that with all the other atoms you eat, drink and breath that were once other people, with the other water molecules in that sea water everyone was swimming in that had once been other people, there’s no need to do it with the ash either.

Performance Crying?

I think your post is moreso the case of Performance Outrage.

(Also I don't think you have used the pearl clutching phrase correctly here).

Anyway you are just showing your total naivety here as it is customary in African culture to honour the person who has passed by loud crying or even referred to as wailing. You should be more respectful of other cultures in the future.

I would not want Martin in my hair or on my kids. Clean or not. Diluted or not. You need my consent to touch me alive or dead

Or that was all that was left of Martin after a shark attack where the boat moored up.

Yes, a hamster that so enjoyed the annual fortnight in Kusadasi last year, with the half day boat excursion - lunch included and optional swim, they promised to take him back this year. Sadly his life span dictated otherwise leaving no choice but to 'assail' swimmers with his remains like a maritime adaptation of pet cemetery.

He did say it was the trip of a life time.

I honestly do think putting things in the wrong bin is worse!

As a PP said our surroundings are full of bits that were once part of people. Where do you think people’s ashes end up? - in the soil, in the water, in plants and animals etc.

However I didn’t say OP is a pearl-clutcher or unempathetic. She didn’t like it and I can respect some people feel that way - though to me it’s irrational, I have irrational feelings too about various things.

I can see both sides tbh. I’d have been a bit more discreet and private if I was the scatterer, but I wouldn’t have minded that much if I was the observer.

Thread has given me a good laugh though and I hope Martin would be happy he’s being remembered. Whether hamster or human or whatever.