Am I a pearl clutcher?

[Pawse]

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

I think we need to hear more from Martin on the matter.

Was the snorkelling interrupted when all the fish got out of the water to use the toilets - because nobody wants to ingest fish shit/piss do they?

What about the coral? (yes, I have just wasted 2 minutes googling 'does coral excrete')

Yeah, I get you. It just reminds me of so many scenes in comedies where they cast the ashes out to sea and it blows back into someone's face?! I'd probably find it darkly amusing. But it's true it's rather bizarre. They should've been a bit more subtle?!

Yes it is amusing how some posters come on here just for a fight. I generally refuse to engage. Who cares what they think, they don't know me and I don't know them?

It also tickles me that some people think I'm trying to be funny in my OP! I mean WTF, all I wanted to know was AIBU to find it shocking!

As for the "pearl clutching" phrase I love it, it brings up the perfect image to me. See also "Paddington Bear hard stare".

Although admittedly most of the other posts a pure mumsnet humour at its best.

Also sadly at my age I have been to too many funerals so know the difference between genuine grief and "who's watching me" grief.

Wish it was easy to do a poll in the old app as it would be interesting what the actual breakdown is.

I think currently it's about 65% think I'm unreasonably and it's perfectly ok to scatter ashes where families are swimming.

I was also hoping that some sort of particle expert would tell me what would happen to the ashes in the water.

Would they just sink with no trace or float along like a Martin oil slick onto the faces of swimmers?

Haha l loved that episode - oh yes it will be a nice romantic boat trip🤣

I’m sorry but the first page of this thread really made me laugh

The fish eat them.

Scattering ashes is something I would want to do much more privately than that but I don't think it would actually bother me too much. I wouldn't pay it a great deal of attention.

DH's Dad's ashes were scattered at sea, some distance off the coast of a favourite island and with use of his best friend's sailing boat, so nobody else nearby. His Mum was scattered at sea too years later, in a different country. Again, nobody nearby except family.

My sister and I scattered our Dad on a hillside in a position he had suggested himself. It was a damp and overcast day and no-one else was near to us.

@Pawse

Would they just sink with no trace or float along like a Martin oil slick onto the faces of swimmers?

We poured scattered my MIL's ashes into a lake. In private, with full permission and no performative crying. The water was clear and the ashes sunk straight to the bottom - there was nothing to see on the surface at all.

It also tickles me that some people think I'm trying to be funny in my OP

Because you have described an exact (and very funny) scene from White Lotus.

Very true. Half of my Dad is in an urn in a gift bag behind my Mum's sofa. If I'm helping her tidy up she'll say 'say hello to your Dad whilst you're down there'. Half of him is in an extremely beautiful place that was his childhood home. We've never decided what to do with the rest. At this point I'm going to hang on to them so I can scatter him with some of my Mum - but I'm not mentioning this as she might object. My friend's Mum is divided between a number of pots with beautiful plants in them in her children's gardens.

I do understand that some people attach a lot more meaning to the remains of their loved ones and would not be similarly flippant. I stress that in my Dad's case he would have found it hilarious.

how do you know Martin was a human? could be anything. Maybe a giant fish.

This! If I saw this I'd feel sad for them.

Apologies! I had no idea you could do that. I hope I didn’t offend anyone by wing flippant.

People are people are people, you sound precious to me

A hamster that wanted to see the sea…

More like a goldfish.

I wonder which part of Martin it was? Perhaps one 👁 one 🦵 and one bollock.. 🤔 🤭

in the states have to be 3miles out

@MounjarNo thank you for sharing that. I did wonder.

And your MIL's scattering sounds lovely and respectful. I too want to be scattered in water. In 2 rivers actually.

Preferably with no families swimming about.

Although that opens up another question in my mind. How easy is it to take ashes through customs? Surely you could take an illegal substance through?

Mmmm maybe the sniffer dogs would pick up on that though.

Given Martin has been incinerated (human / animal / other), he’s ‘cleaner’ than the wee and other molecules of human waste in the sea water..

What I don’t understand is how you failed to see the funny side when it sounds like something from a sitcom - I would have just sat back and enjoyed the show! As for all the people calling you mean for describing it as “performance crying” - surely only an attention seeker would carry on like that in public instead of choosing to mourn quietly somewhere in private.

I wouldn't actually be too bothered about the actual ashes (all sorts in the sea anyways) but more so about someone making a bit of a performance about it all in the middle of my swimming trip and hijacking my relaxation time. I don't want to be thinking about death and someone's ceremony whilst trying to soak up the beauty of the place etc, it's ridiculously rude to impose that on people. This is the sort of reason I tend to avoid fellow Brits on holiday (making an assumption about nationalities involved I know)

One thing I found out about when we were scattering Grandma and Grandads ashes (ended up doing them together as he passed a year after she did) was that you are supposed to get permission to scatter them in water ways in the UK.

As for "bits of Martin in your hair etc" well lets face it, it is far more likely that he ended up down the shower of the cruise ship than in the place he was scattered. Doing it in the middle of an area being used by family swimmers doesnt really give him time to gradually spread out and become one with the water does it?

Interesting fact. Every single glass of water you consume has been through a dinosaur.

Friend of mine accidentally inhaled her Mums ashes because it was very windy…she was taken to AE and was given a nebuliser 🤦‍♀️