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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the marital home in a mess

180 replies

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 19:22

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 27/04/2025 19:26

He's getting the house. All of it. He can always hire a cleaner.

SunshineRose12 · 27/04/2025 19:27

S0j0urn4r · 27/04/2025 19:26

He's getting the house. All of it. He can always hire a cleaner.

This nails it!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/04/2025 19:28

Who's responsible for the mess? Where will the children be?

NewBinBag · 27/04/2025 19:29

I've said unreasonable as the house comes with the junk & if you've split it's no longer your business.

But I'm guessing your kids will be living there at least some of the time & you want it to be safe & hygienic...
Who's the hoarder? You or him?

MagicStarMama · 27/04/2025 19:29

I don’t think I would be able to leave my kids a shit tip of a house. Assuming they’ll still be living there part of the time.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 27/04/2025 19:30

Is it toys? Or things that belong to them? Photos?

RickiRaccoon · 27/04/2025 19:35

Agree that if he's getting the house and furniture, he can get the junk too. You'll be starting from scratch with the expenses that come with that.

Grab the stuff you want though.

something2say · 27/04/2025 19:37

I don't think you should leave your mess. You have contributed to its build up surely, you clearly live like that. Sort it out, don't leave it for someone else; it's not nice and doesn't leave a good taste regarding your standards.

AnSolas · 27/04/2025 19:37

Depends on the ages of the children

If they are still at home having the same crap that was there before is "ok"
But loads of stuff their stuff being dumped because mum is leaving and mum leaving would be too emotional.

So for you, pack the stuff you want to bring and leave the rest.

If you are still talking at the end of the move out offer to give a hand and support the children when they decide its time to dump their stuff.

IReallyLoveItHere · 27/04/2025 19:40

Well I'd chuck stuff as I sort through to get my stuff out.

I'm assuming your DC will be spending some days with your ex?

Are they old enough to be told to sort theirs or to get together some to take to your new place? You'll also want to take a selection of their clothes and maybe spares of their bedding etc, so again you can chuck as you go.

Then give the kids bedroom a quick clean and go, he can keep the sheds full of crap. If he asks for help in future then you may feel you should but don't go out of your way to smooth his path..

Phoebepeeby · 27/04/2025 19:41

If the children are going to be staying there at all then I couldn’t leave a pit for them to spend weekends in.

Bin in if you don’t want the crap but don’t leave a dump.

I’m not saying sort it for him or tidy up for him but you’ve contributed to it.

Gymmum82 · 27/04/2025 19:42

Take the stuff you want. Leave everything else. He’s getting the house. He can declutter. No longer your problem

Blinkyy · 27/04/2025 19:46

Do you have a car?
Can you bag it all up and take it to the tip? By not recycling it you are just speeding up the process - it will end up in a tip eventually.
OK it will take a few trips but it’s not that hard.

ExperiencedTeacher · 27/04/2025 19:50

I kept the house (I bought him out) and I had all the “stuff” to sort. He basically went through everything and took what he wanted, leaving me with the rubbish to sort. That sounds bitter but I’m genuinely not- it was much easier for me to not have to move.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2025 20:02

Who created the clutter? Who bought it, who wanted it, who didn't throw it out?

ZepherinDrouhin · 27/04/2025 20:02

Sell all the old toys and anything you don't want/need and keep the money for your new place.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/04/2025 20:05

S0j0urn4r · 27/04/2025 19:26

He's getting the house. All of it. He can always hire a cleaner.

I agree with this!

Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:20

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/04/2025 19:28

Who's responsible for the mess? Where will the children be?

I’m the primary carer so they will stay with ex two nights per week. Teen might want to stay a bit more and come and go when it suits him as it’s closer to his school. I feel v.guilty leaving all the clutter behind. Ex isn’t the type to do anything much around the house except the basics like dishes etc.

OP posts:
Undercovers · 27/04/2025 20:23

I'm the one who was left with all the junk. I only resent the things that were clearly theirs not ours. They haven't accepted this means I can throw anything I want to out so be prepared to walk away and never see anything you leave behind again.

Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:24

I’m very busy cleaning and decluttering as much as I can before I go but there’s only so much I can do. We have years and years worth of junk/stuff to go through, the kids bedrooms are full, so so much stuff! Even if I take half it won’t make a dent! The kitchen cupboards again have stuff falling out of them and there’s a big shed full to the ceiling with stuff. He’s keeping everything, I’ll be setting up everything from scratch.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:27

Undercovers · 27/04/2025 20:23

I'm the one who was left with all the junk. I only resent the things that were clearly theirs not ours. They haven't accepted this means I can throw anything I want to out so be prepared to walk away and never see anything you leave behind again.

Yes nothing to stop him changing the locks and binning anything of mine once I take my name off the tenancy (we rent) It’s hard to know how he will react, dunno if I’m being naive thinking I’ll be able to go back and forth to sort through everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:31

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2025 20:02

Who created the clutter? Who bought it, who wanted it, who didn't throw it out?

A lot is old toys, old prams, paperwork, so so many toys! A lot is also my stuff! Art stuff, craft stuff and stuff from before we married. To be fair not much is actually my ex husband’s stuff. Also a load of crockery. We did have issues when we first married with husbands family constantly dumping stuff on us, all the time, bags and bags from charity shops and at one point our son had 6 prams! We are still dealing with all the junk unfortunately.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/04/2025 20:34

Take your junk the kids take there's he deals with the rest maybe he will get motivated

Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:35

ExperiencedTeacher · 27/04/2025 19:50

I kept the house (I bought him out) and I had all the “stuff” to sort. He basically went through everything and took what he wanted, leaving me with the rubbish to sort. That sounds bitter but I’m genuinely not- it was much easier for me to not have to move.

See I would happily go to the house and clean and sort the clutter when he was in work or even go through it with him but I don’t know if he will want me there once the divorce is underway. I want peace of mind really that the house is clean and tidy for when the children stay with him. He’s also a shift worker and gets less time to sort stuff out.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:37

Blinkyy · 27/04/2025 19:46

Do you have a car?
Can you bag it all up and take it to the tip? By not recycling it you are just speeding up the process - it will end up in a tip eventually.
OK it will take a few trips but it’s not that hard.

I don’t drive. Wish I did now, it would be so much easier to be able to take stuff to the tip. Might consider renting a skip.

OP posts:
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