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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the marital home in a mess

180 replies

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 19:22

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

OP posts:
NorthernGirlie · 28/04/2025 07:00

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:35

See I would happily go to the house and clean and sort the clutter when he was in work or even go through it with him but I don’t know if he will want me there once the divorce is underway. I want peace of mind really that the house is clean and tidy for when the children stay with him. He’s also a shift worker and gets less time to sort stuff out.

Show quote history

Why now though? They've been living in that sounds like a tip all this time! Why do you think it should be clean and tidy when you leave?

Soontobe60 · 28/04/2025 07:02

I’m confused - why do you want ‘peace of mind’ that the house will be tidy for the kids once you’ve left, but you’re not keeping it tidy whilst you’re currently living there?
It sounds from what you’ve said that a great deal of the clutter is actually yours, or was acquired for the children and is no longer needed. So my suggestion is, hire a skip whilst you’re still living there and get it chucked out now! Hire a lock up and put all your stuff that you want to keep in there until you’ve moved into your new place. The likelihood is once you e left either he will throw absolutely everything belonging to you out, or it will just stay there but he won’t give you access to it.
Sort it now.

carrotycrumble · 28/04/2025 07:02

You absolutely do need to take responsibility for the situation you have created OP. You created the mess, you sort it out.

If you take the mindset with you that you can leave your mess (either physical or emotional) for other people to sort out you will just find yourself in the same situation a year from now. Ie nice new house but full of clutter.

Give yourself the best chance in your new life. Be responsible, starting from now.

howshouldibehave · 28/04/2025 07:11

Are you walking away with no equity in the property? It seems like there might be be a bit of a backstory here?

Espressosummer · 28/04/2025 07:15

user1492757084 · 28/04/2025 04:00

Go through each child's bedroom with them before you leave.
Get your family to come in and help. Be very strict and commit most to rubbish or the charity shop.

Go through the shed with helpers. Clear as much out to rubbish. Then use the space in the shed to store plastic tubs
.
Negotiate in your divorce settlement to clear out your home one room at a time for a period of six months. (One day per week). Put things you want to keep into tubs in the shed and rubbish in bags to tthrough away. Clean as you clear.

Book a professional cleaner when complete.
Move tubs to your place.

Do you really think that is reasonable, to come back to her ex's house every week for up to 6 months? No one in their right mind would agree to that. Especially not as part of a divorce settlement given that could be 1 or 2 years down the line. The ex would be well within his rights to chuck out anything after a few weeks.

Kaybee50 · 28/04/2025 07:15

There are charities that actually collect from your doorstep (lookup Anglo doorstep collections) you choose the date. Look online and start bagging stuff up. Hire a skip for anything that’s not good enough to pass on. Don’t just shove it all in a skip if it’s good enough to be used by someone else.

GrandmasCat · 28/04/2025 07:20

The fact you are worrying about him not dealing with the clutter appropriately makes me think the clutter is primarily yours.

Take what you care about with you, accept the rest will end up in the tip.

2Rebecca · 28/04/2025 07:20

You both sound like hoarders. Other people gave you stuff but you didn’t have to accept it or keep it. Take the stuff you want. Discuss with your ex whether or not he wants you to remove stuff from the house

healthybychristmas · 28/04/2025 07:22

It sounds as though you are responsible for virtue all of the things in the house as you say very little of it is his. It's actually sounds like a very depressing place to live in and I'm surprised you are worried about your children staying there two days a week when you are not bothered about them staying there full-time now.

3luckystars · 28/04/2025 07:22

Does your husband know you are leaving?

Hire a big skip, ( it’s about €150 here for the week) and start in the kitchen. That sounds appalling to be living in clutter falling out if cupboards like that. I can see why you want to get out of the house.

Have you got support and advice in real life?

GrandmasCat · 28/04/2025 07:25

Eenameenadeeka · 28/04/2025 02:53

Bit off to say you "need to know it's nice for them to visit" when you have been living full time with them with it all there for years?

Thought the same…

ManyATrueWord · 28/04/2025 07:27

Get a skip. Drop any pretence that this rubbish is worth money and skip everything. People will take stuff out of it anyway.

the7Vabo · 28/04/2025 07:31

ManyATrueWord · 28/04/2025 07:27

Get a skip. Drop any pretence that this rubbish is worth money and skip everything. People will take stuff out of it anyway.

Or maybe try and be a bit sustainable, the plastic toys are probably grand and could be used again?

Why not put all the semi decent stuff on pavement, and put it up on local Facebook groups, People who are interested scan message you for address.

Cornishclio · 28/04/2025 07:31

Whose choice is the split? Who is responsible for the mess and clutter? Presumably you have been living in mess all this time too so why have you not sorted through previously? I am not sure why you are feeling guilty as surely it is both of your faults if the house is messy?

caringcarer · 28/04/2025 07:31

Hire a skip and go through kids bedrooms with them skipping anything they say they don't want. Take your art and craft things with you. Take a lot of the DC things if they'll be living with you, their clothing, bedding and hobby things, games etc. Clean kids bedrooms, I'd give kitchen a good clean and throw away anything not needed, before I left. If I had time I'd clean bathroom too. Especially as you say he won't do it and your kids will be using the home.

Twiglets1 · 28/04/2025 07:32

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:37

I don’t drive. Wish I did now, it would be so much easier to be able to take stuff to the tip. Might consider renting a skip.

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You should rent a skip and get rid of stuff of little/no value that you will never use again. Sounds like you should have rented a skip years ago but better late than never I guess.

SamDeanCas · 28/04/2025 07:33

I don’t think it should be just left to you (but it sounds like a dynamic that might be one of the reasons for the relationship breakdown that’s guessing)

but depending on how well you get on now, can you suggest a week where you BOTH take time off work to sort this. Hire a skip and blast through the rooms.

Thatfirstcoffee · 28/04/2025 07:34

While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind

wont your new place get cluttered and dump like soon enough if you’re that way inclined?

GrumpyDullard · 28/04/2025 07:34

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:49

I agree. I need to know it’s nice for them when they stay there. Ideally to reset it and make it decent then it would be up to ex to do whatever he wants with it.

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I don’t understand why this is a concern now they’ll be living there part time, when they’ve been living like this full time up until now. No point going over your reasons for not clearing out the crap before, but I feel this may be more about having a way to still be involved in your ex’s life, than a genuine desire to clean up the former marital home.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/04/2025 07:34

You need to clear all your stuff including arts and crafts etc.

Maybe talk to ex and hire a skip, both of you clear stuff out into it?

MangoBiscuit · 28/04/2025 07:34

When I left my exH, I left a lot of the clutter. I don't feel a single ounce of guilt about it, but that's down to my situation. OP hasn't expanded much on her situation regarding the relationship or how it ended, other than "Ex isn’t the type to do anything much around the house except the basics like dishes etc."

My ex didn't do much of anything around the house (or with the DC) His laziness was a part of the breakdown of the relationship. I even asked him to help sort through things with me while I packed, so we could throw things out if neither wanted them. Nope. On moving day, I ended up having to go to his solicitors because they messed up the paperwork. When I got back, ex and his sister had opened some of my packed stuff, then bagged it up, mixed in with clutter, and some of the actual rubbish from his room. About 8 big bin bags, full of crap, with maybe a couple of things I had packed, in each bag. I was running out of time, and hadn't hired a van big enough for all the extra stuff as well. So I emptied the bags out, took my things out of the pile, and left it all for ex to deal with. He created that situation, he can deal with it.

So I guess it depends on what other factors there are. If my ex had been reasonable, and hadn't acted like that, I would likely have cleared out most of the clutter before I left.

Thatfirstcoffee · 28/04/2025 07:35

You don’t drive?

let me guess, you’re moving to a rural village?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/04/2025 07:35

GrumpyDullard · 28/04/2025 07:34

I don’t understand why this is a concern now they’ll be living there part time, when they’ve been living like this full time up until now. No point going over your reasons for not clearing out the crap before, but I feel this may be more about having a way to still be involved in your ex’s life, than a genuine desire to clean up the former marital home.

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Good point! Why worry now when it’s been like it for years anyway

Cornishclio · 28/04/2025 07:35

I have just read your update that most of the stuff is old toys and your stuff so yes I think you need to advertise stuff for free on Facebook and ditch the rest. Why haven’t you sorted it before now?

JuliaLivilla · 28/04/2025 07:36

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:37

I don’t drive. Wish I did now, it would be so much easier to be able to take stuff to the tip. Might consider renting a skip.

Show quote history

To be quite honest, hiring a skip is so emotionally freeing. You've paid for it, so you feel you've got to fill it to get your money's worth. Stuff you might ordinarily overthink about dumping, goes in the skip without a second thought, particularly if you only have it for three days. When it's collected and you see it disappearing down the street, you fell ten years younger - or at least I did.

And they hold an amazing amount, much more than you's expect.

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