To leave the marital home in a mess

[DaisyBloo]

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

In the kindest possible way if this is the house they are currently growing up in why are you wanting to sort it now you're leaving. They will be accustomed to living that way. If you are equally responsible for the amount of clutter then surely they issues won't magically disappear once you move into a new property. You're hoarding ways will follow won't they?

I agree, why the angst about it now?

Who created the mess?
You said its mainly yours and the kids stuff and your ex husbands stuff.
You should tidy and clear your stuff at least.
If the rest is joint and kids mess and you are amicable and your kids will be spending at least 50 percent of thr time there then I do think you should at least help to get it into an ok shape before you go.
Do some dump runs, take some stuff to charity shops.
You can hire a declutterer who will come and do it for you and take some stuff away to the dump too.

Pull all the toys out of the shed and put them outside your house with a sign saying free. Pop a post on Facebook and you will be amazed at what goes. Then hire a very large skip!
I don’t think it’s fair of you to leave the house in the state you describe when you say a lot of it is yours. What if the landlord comes to check up on the house when you come off the tenancy - could the mess jeopardise him keeping the house?
You keep saying that you’re setting up from scratch but surely you would take things like the crafts which are yours. I think walking away from mess you contributed to when your children will continue to visit is out of order.

Can any of it be sold and would make you some quick wins in terms of space cleared and cashed for your new home?

Things like prams and baby equipment you could sell ridiculously cheap on Facebook marketplace and it would give you a good chunk cleared as it's all bulky.

Or offer it up to a local babybank / family hub / charity / family in need for free but they collect it.

Also any of your stuff you've not used and are happy to say goodbye to you could again offer up bundles of super cheap or free on FB. I wouldn't leave MY personal clutter for him to clear. The kids stuff and stuff dumped by his family I'd feel less guilty about.

Our area we often put stuff outside our house with a "free" sign on it, and it's always gratefully grabbed by someone. If you don't drive that might be a good way to clear some stuff too.

Maybe not put any more blocks in the way of a woman needing to leave a relationship.

Me though I did go back and help sort it once the sale was progressing. He did 90% of the dump runs I admit

You could also ask on FB if any of the local charity shops would be able to collect a load of toys and bric a brac. Some do in my town. Worth finding out.

Do a big declutter with the kids roped in, says it a big spring clean if none of them know yet about your plans.

He’ll be left in the house so it will be up to him, but your DC will presumably be visiting.
He could pay for a cleaner.

I can’t understand how people let their houses get in such a mess! 6 prams?! Why? Why wouldn’t you just get rid of stuff as you go along? Are you a hoarder?

Put the stuff outside, for free notice up and people will take toys, prams etc

but ultimately if his family dumped stuff then leave it to him to create a pleasant home

Exactly

the OP’s new place will presumably be like this soon enough too

@DaisyBloo can you speak to your ex .
Ask if you can both hire a skip and everyone works through the stuff together .
Say you don’t think it’s fair he sorts himself or loves like that Wheh you have a fresh start
I’d order the skip and go on each room at a time . Give the kids bags for their room and you need to start with paperwork /important keep sakes and your stuff .

OP, you have admitted that most of the hoarded stuff belongs to you and the children.
Boxes of craft stuff, SIX prams, 100s of old plushies....
And you are implying that you want to go back and fore for things AFTER you have officially moved out???
It sounds to me that you want to keep your new home clutter free, not by streamlining but by leaving your accumulated junk at your now ex husband's house and "popping back and fore" to pick up a few bits as and when, while tutting at the said clutter in your old family home.
So very selfish, OP.

This is the definition of a hoarder

I think you’re being i reasonable OP. If you’re taking the children with you then you either take their junk or get rid of it. You are clearly a hoarder and don’t get too excited about your new clean house - it will quickly end up the way this house is - the fact that you can’t be arsed to sort the (YOUR) stuff out now shows your mindset hasn’t changed.

You both should get on top of it. You say it's a rented property, it needs to be looked after and surely you have landlord inspections? It will make it very hard if for any reason the house can't be rented any longer and they need to move.

Can you not talk to your ex and ask him what he'd like to happen?

Are things so bad you can't ask your ex what he wants to happen? I think if it were my stuff I would feel guilty for leaving the mess for someone else to deal with. If it's a private rental, the landlord could give notice, then your ex would have to sort it all in a short space of time. I'd imagine this could make him more resentful and further strain things, making co parenting harder.

If there's DV or similar involved and you need to get away and cut contact immediately, then I think that's different. You could look at sending a house clearance service to work with him so you don't have to see him.

To be fair the OP herself says ideally she would want to come back occasionally after the divorce to go through stuff so it doesn’t sound like a DV situation. The mess seems to be mostly of her making and we should all be looking after the planet by not adding even more to landfill. Without further explanation it doesn’t seem an acrimonious split.

I would only do what I could without creating further mess and chaos before I left ,focusing on taking my things , getting rid of any bits of mine I didn't want and helping children sort their bedrooms. If things are fairly friendly you could offer to help afterwards if he wants you to but be wary as he could say you've got rid of stuff he wanted.

She hasn’t said she “needs” to leave. If there are DV issues or similar well decluttering is relevant

Otherwise given people are busy washing out yogurt pots, it’s not that much to expect someone not to freely dump a load of stuff that could be used.

its rented

Editing after seeing they rent.
They may lose the tenancy if OP backs out, and be hit with fines.

Tbh hoarders often blame others for giving them things but who on earth would let someone give them buggy after buggy?

Do your children know about the split? I mean I think I'd be a bit careful changing what they are used to at their father's too much, I think they'd need some stability while settling to a new life. If you don't drive, how are you moving your stuff out? Don't you think that if your husband sees you decluttering, he might wonder what is going on? I mean we don't know the whole story by a long chalk but it seems to me that the "you made the mess, you fix it" may not apply here.