To leave the marital home in a mess

[DaisyBloo]

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

One teen and one primary aged child. Our teens room is the worst-he needs a massive clear out but he holds great attachment to his items-he even kept a piece of our old carpet as he was sad to see it go lol.

could you afford some professional decluttering support? (I have no idea what this costs btw! ) but it does sound a tricky situation given you and the ex don't have a great relationship and he may be difficult/ unhelpful once you move out.

Could you break it down into 'types' ie. 'toys' are to be decluttered over one weekend - be very brutal, don't let the sentimental child see - it goes to charity or the tip.

then - your art stuff - another specific day/ week?

absolutely DO NOT involve children they will slow it down/ hold onto it all. Needs ruthless approach.

I can understand wanting a nice home for your children to live in but, ultimately, I think YABU. Once you have left the home, you have no right to enter it again. Would you want your ex randomly letting themselves into your new place whenever they felt like it and rummaging around in your stuff?

Part of divorce is accepting you have absolutely zero control over how your children live when they are not in your care. If one's ex is a lazy, selfish, shit; this can be stressful, as you know the kids will suffer, but you can't do anything about it. Try to compartmentalise, so you don't spend every moment they're not with you worrying about them.

If the stuff bothers your ex, he is an adult and will find a way to resolve the issue himself - by either cleaning or hiring someone else to do. If you want to throw stuff out before you go, a skip can be expensive, but there are some great house clearance companies which will come, fill a truck and responsibly dispose of the contents. I had to sort a house out, had about 30 bin bags of rubbish, clothes, some furniture etc. I put all the stuff I wanted collected in one room, booked a local co with good reviews, they arrived on time, chucked everything in the truck and were gone with 20min.

I think you should focus on packing in boxes everything you/the children want to take to the new place. If you have time, you can make the house neat and tidy, but proper sorting takes months, especially if you have children who like to keep hold of things.

Clear the stuff he no longer sees/remember, and keep items he's still attached to.

Kitchen cupboards are usually full because old saucepans, plates, cups etc have accumulated over the years. Be ruthless, leave enough for daily living and get rid of the rest.

The majority of toys, old clothes and children's old stuff like prams should go. It's not going to be easy to leave the house without the mess accumulated over the years - do what your finances allow, taking your child's autism into consideration.

Maybe a skip would be better on week days, when you can get rid of stuff without him seeing/triggering about it.

If it's stuff he's accepted from his family, then I would leave that for him to sort out.

I feel you need to take a different approach.

You're moving. You and your dcs will have a different so we to live in. The logic is that you need to adapt what you’re taking with you to that space.
Go through the kids stuff with them (I assume they know?). Look at getting rid of the stuff they don’t need. Talk about giving to charity so that children less lucky can have them. Let them keep what’s important. Throw away what’s broken. All of which are really important things to learn anyway.
Do the same with your stuff.
For the shared things (and all the stuff in the kitchen IS shared stuff!!), take what you need. Tell your ex and met him decide what he wants to do. In some ways, the fact you’ve got loads means neither of you will need to buy duplicates.

Then that’s it. The sorting out the whole house isn’t your responsibility. It was a SHARED responsibility. Now it’s his. You’ve done your part by sorting the dcs, yours and a big part of the shared stuff.

Firstly Today put the 6 prams outside and any other large items to give more space to sort.
Your belongings first.
The DC will be visiting there, so not as urgent.
Take what they will want at your house first.
Anyone around to give you a hand
Hire a hippo bag if you can’t fit a skip on your driveway
Don’t stress, or procrastinate.
You can do it bit by bit
Starting is the hardest, especially when you don’t know where to start
DH tip run? Don’t let him think its all your problem
When does your new tenancy start?

I'd sort with 2 agendas.

1. what things will you be devastated about your ex throwing so family photos, things your kids made, anything else irreplaceable.

2. are there things that you would find useful? If there are 3 graters can 1 go in a "tip" box and end up in your new home.

But other than that do what you can

don't get caught up trying to boot sale/ sell - this seems like something it would be best to happen quickly

your local primary school will probably know of families struggling - when we moved house and decluttered they took stuff from us for a family - things like buggies/ beds even/ toys?

they also might take toys books games for breakfast club - our school do.

when was the last time you had a landlord inspection?

If he stopped you dealing with it (and threatened you with the loss of your financial independence if you did!) I don't think you should feel any compunction at all to deal with it now. Leave it for him. Take the stuff you want. Throw out your own stuff that you don't want. But don't carry guilt with you about the kids; stuff. If the general living spaces are fine, the kids aren't going to be badly affected by junk in cupboards or sheds. You have a future to think about. Put your effort into that instead of carrying the weight for his nastiness.

Take anything that's important to you (be it for practical or sentimental reasons); get rid of what you can in the time (of the rest). After that, offer to come back and do some more as and when, but if he won't let you, that's on him. As long as you've left a place that's ok for the dc to visit, don't worry about it.

Ahhh the coats one year mil asked what clothes the kids wanted I said he needs trousers maybe tops definitely no coats he already had several so she bought them coats and told sil to buy coats too so that was a dam waste of money I still needed to buy trousers and tops and she literally CUT the tags out of the coats so I couldn't return them to get what was needed

Then there were the chocolate advent calenders ds2 was intolerant to milk but they still bought him FIVE for him and his brother and sister FIFTEEN advent calenders then they bought more chocolate and husband whined I wasn't giving to the children no 11 month old lactose intolerant child needs five advent calenders they kept a few at there house to give them when they saw them too

But I was "ungrateful" for saying it's all a bit much

So I can understand how these things happen

You need to take all your stuff with you, it’s not fair to dump all that on your soon to be ex.

She didn't. His family did.

For decluttering when you don't have transport, google Anglo Doorstep Collection - if they operate in your area you can pre-book a free doorstep collection of bags and boxes of your unwanted things, which are sold abroad with a donation to your nominated charity. It's a game changer!

If you're on Facebook, Tenancy Matters UK can advise on legalities of leaving a rental place.

Are both your names on the tenancy? In which case, you might have to give a month's notice thus ending the tenancy for you both. He would have to notify the landlord of change and whether he wants to stay , etc

I haven't read the whole thread, however, I'm sorry if I'm repeating information

My ex did this - he instigated the split and he wanted to move out. Likewise he was equally as messy as me (I am messy, not denying it).

He moved into a very small flat and decided to only take essentials so he could start fresh. This included not wanting his childhood and pre-me effects too. He left behind most of his stuff saying I could get rid of anything I didn’t want to keep. Neither of us could drive and so he didn’t have the ability to take stuff to the dump.

He had been living in the front room for a year and it was an absolute state when he moved out, it took weeks to properly clean (I am disabled and on a low income). I know I got to keep the house (albeit only so one day it can go to our son with special needs), but it did feel rather like another aspect where he got to just walk away without having to deal with the aftermath.

So I bagged a load of his stuff up and took a taxi to his new place with it 😁. Said none of it I wanted to keep so I didn’t mind if he wanted to get rid of it.

It’s been months since he left now and I am still really struggling to clear up (as I said, disability, a SEN child and low income).

NOT that I’m saying this is equivalent to your situation. I guess it’s the first opportunity I’ve had to vent about it!

So his not helping in the home with housework other than dishes has meant all the stored rubbish?
I'd leave it. You're going to need your energy to rebuild your life.

Hire a skip and have a sort out. If your son finds it difficult to get rid of things how would he feel about doing a car boot, or selling stuff on Vinted. If he knows getting rid of the stuff will give him pounds he may be able to let go of things. Encourage him by discussing new things he could buy that are more suited to him now.
after having 2 children close together I was so busy stuff piled up. Then i discovered Vinted, I sold everything, toys, clothes etc on there and made almost £1000 in a year, then £1000 the following year. Amazing what you can get for stuff you don’t use or need.

I have been in your situation. Ex refused to allow me any furniture. He was very angry back then and took everything I left behind to the tip. He wasn't thinking about how our kids would feel when the visited that all the toys they left behind were gone. I took as much as I could and did de clutter a lot before hand with old toys which went to playgroups etc but had deliberately left some behind for our kids.
My rental agent refused to take my name off the contract and said that if I pushed the matter then ex would be evicted as its a joint tenancy. He was not in a financial position to rent independently but it meant a huge delay when I tried to apply for UC
Look for any 2nd hand furniture stores that deal with house clearance as you will get the best deals to furnish your new home on a budget and they deliver.
Make sure you take anything of monetary or sentimental value that belongs to you with you or even store with a friend before you move as he may not allow you access again once you have left.
It's hard but it does get better and the weight that lifts when you get to start over in a new home with no old memories in it is worth it.

You need to take all your stuff whether you want it or not (especially the stuff you had from before you were together) why should your ex have to sort through all your things! Maybe just hire a skip and chuck it all in?

I'd also sort the kids bedroom.