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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the marital home in a mess

180 replies

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 19:22

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

OP posts:
CarolinaWren · 28/04/2025 03:11

RedHelenB · 28/04/2025 02:58

They're living in one now though, so what's the difference?

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Exactly this. If you didn’t care about them living in a hoarded mess for all these years, why would you suddenly feel the need to clean it up before you move out? It makes no sense.

cuppaonce · 28/04/2025 03:21

You might be surprised how motivated he could get once yourer gone. I left the marital home thinking the ex wouldn’t clear out stuff but he did. My son said the house was a lot more spacious !

Make sure you take the stuff you really want. You’ll think of things you wish you had after you are gone, it’s impossible to take absolutely everything.

Powderblue1 · 28/04/2025 03:25

Why don’t you hire a skip and declutter as you’re packing your things?

RawBloomers · 28/04/2025 03:50

It the house is cluttered because you're a bit of a hoarder (not sure this is the case, but some of your posts suggest this), then I can see why you might feel responsible but also that the anxious your feeling about leaving the stuff there is probably more to so with the anxiety that makes you hoard than the idea your children will be hard done by if you leave it. They've been living in a place in that state until now - why would it be so much worse for them to be in it next month or next year?

I think you probably need to talk with a counsellor about what makes you look for control in ineffective ways.

But no, you should not try to sort things out after you've left. If your ex wants to clean things out he can. If he wants to leave it as is he can. Your kids are going to be fine.

Alondra · 28/04/2025 03:53

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:37

I don’t drive. Wish I did now, it would be so much easier to be able to take stuff to the tip. Might consider renting a skip.

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I was going to suggest renting a skip over a weekend. You'd be amazed how much stuff you can dispose of without worrying about going to a tip.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2025 04:00

Go through each child's bedroom with them before you leave.
Get your family to come in and help. Be very strict and commit most to rubbish or the charity shop.

Go through the shed with helpers. Clear as much out to rubbish. Then use the space in the shed to store plastic tubs
.
Negotiate in your divorce settlement to clear out your home one room at a time for a period of six months. (One day per week). Put things you want to keep into tubs in the shed and rubbish in bags to tthrough away. Clean as you clear.

Book a professional cleaner when complete.
Move tubs to your place.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2025 04:06

I agree, bagging is best. Then loan a ute or trailer and remove.

Move tubs to your place, via a hired 'Two Men and a Van' type service.

CheshireDing · 28/04/2025 05:05

Why has it got to this point ? You say your Son had 6 prams, why did you not throw away/charity 5 prams at that time.

You are procrastinating, just order a big skip and chuck the stuff away.

Love51 · 28/04/2025 05:35

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:27

Yes nothing to stop him changing the locks and binning anything of mine once I take my name off the tenancy (we rent) It’s hard to know how he will react, dunno if I’m being naive thinking I’ll be able to go back and forth to sort through everything.

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Why would sorting stuff in that house be your job when you don't live there / rent there any more? It sounds like you have reservations about leaving and want to maintain some kind of link to the place (which as someone who was previously a similar horder to yourself, I totally get, but wonder if you realised).
Once you move out you will have a new home to keep clean and tidy.
You and he will both be in a different, hopefully better headspace which might make decluttering easier. But that space won't be yours.
Pick up some of the craft stuff if you genuinely think you will use it. But if you haven't got rid of prams and hand - me - down crockery in the last however many years, why is it a priority now?

autumn1610 · 28/04/2025 05:49

Take what you want that is yours focus on that. A lot of posters are saying they couldn’t leave their kids in a shit tip or a house…however respectfully they already are as living in it currently, so what’s the difference? Just bag up what you want to take as you may not be allowed in. Get your kids to bag up their favourite things to take (unless they aren’t currently aware they are moving)

Zanatdy · 28/04/2025 05:51

Given your kids will be staying there and it sounds like a lot of it is yours, or the kids old stuff, it’s only fair to hire a skip or two if you can’t drive. Old toys etc can easily be cleared out. It seems a bit unfair to just leave it all and start afresh without half the clutter that is partly yours.

Blinkyy · 28/04/2025 06:00

Find a man with a van -see how much they charge. Any friends or family would help?

Setyoufree · 28/04/2025 06:04

If you can afford it I'd get a skip. It would make it really quick to blitz through and throw things away

ETA if you did this, it would be for the kids, not for the ex

CaptainFuture · 28/04/2025 06:08

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:31

A lot is old toys, old prams, paperwork, so so many toys! A lot is also my stuff! Art stuff, craft stuff and stuff from before we married. To be fair not much is actually my ex husband’s stuff. Also a load of crockery. We did have issues when we first married with husbands family constantly dumping stuff on us, all the time, bags and bags from charity shops and at one point our son had 6 prams! We are still dealing with all the junk unfortunately.

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So it's mainly your stuff? Get a skip as per pp and bin it all.
Of course you're being naive thinking you can leave all the junk and mess behind, then come back when you want to 'sort through' at your leisure!
Imagining the furore on here if a ex was coming back to the property as and when he wanted to slowly sort through their shit!!

MasterBeth · 28/04/2025 06:09

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 01:45

What an ungodly waste of the planet’s resources. Hundreds of plushies??

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What a pompous response that's irrelevant to the dilemma.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 28/04/2025 06:18

According to you, most of the accumulated stuff has to do with you.

You don’t see it has hoarding but I’m sorry, it kinda is - there’s no reason for anyone to have 6 prams even if they were gifted.

Sort out all your stuff before you move out (ie all the crafting stuff).

Summerseagull · 28/04/2025 06:44

That's awful
You are 50% responsible for that mess
You should be clearing it out before you leave
I don't think you should be allowed to take your name of the tenancy and walk away from mess and filth you created
Take responsibility for the mess you created

Summerseagull · 28/04/2025 06:46

Is part of you leaving because you can't face the mess and clutter

Bournetilly · 28/04/2025 06:48

You should help clear it up, for your children’s sake and because you are responsible for half the clutter.

A skip is a great idea. Get as much done before you move out. If he changes the locks then there isn’t much else you can do in the way of de cluttering. Your children have been living like that for years.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa · 28/04/2025 06:50

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:35

See I would happily go to the house and clean and sort the clutter when he was in work or even go through it with him but I don’t know if he will want me there once the divorce is underway. I want peace of mind really that the house is clean and tidy for when the children stay with him. He’s also a shift worker and gets less time to sort stuff out.

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But the kids are there now and it’s not clean and tidy so what is the difference?

Sort out the stuff which is obviously yours and then take all the kids stuff with you. When you leave you shouldn’t be going back to the house to sort through his stuff.

curious79 · 28/04/2025 06:53

you are the very definition of a hoarder. Accepting 6 prams from others?
the main question here is the extent to which you
(a) keep stuff - is it yours? Would it be liberating just to leave it even if it is? Don’t kid yourself that leaving 100 or so plushies is for the kids
(b) can be bothered to help get rid of stuff - maybe you’ve broken up in bad circumstances and leaving it all behind will be satisfying revenge?

Odellio · 28/04/2025 06:55

My DH’s ex left everything behind in the marital home, I moved in briefly before it was sold and we bought our house together. We weren’t that bothered about it, we declutterred everything before the move. Told her to swing by to collect anything she wanted, she took some stuff, and the rest was sold, donated or binned. DH wasn’t bothered he took it as a pay off for being the one to stay in the house with the children.

SunnySideDeepDown · 28/04/2025 06:56

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:31

A lot is old toys, old prams, paperwork, so so many toys! A lot is also my stuff! Art stuff, craft stuff and stuff from before we married. To be fair not much is actually my ex husband’s stuff. Also a load of crockery. We did have issues when we first married with husbands family constantly dumping stuff on us, all the time, bags and bags from charity shops and at one point our son had 6 prams! We are still dealing with all the junk unfortunately.

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Wtf. This is your mess, so clean it up. What have you been doing for the past years? Why don’t you just bundle all the old toys up and tip them?

YABU to just up and leave with no consideration for the mess you’ve made. It wouldn’t be right if a man did that so you shouldn’t either. Your mess, you clean it up.

ZekeZeke · 28/04/2025 06:59

It’s YOUR mess so you clean it.
How will you ensure your new home doesn’t end up in the same state?

coldscottishmum · 28/04/2025 07:00

Take all the things you value, paid for, need,
everyday essentials (especially if the kids will be with you) and any mess and clutter left behind he can deal with. I suspect he isn’t helping you declutter before you leave, so whilst you get a head start he can finish it when what needs to go, is gone.
I hope all goes well on your move, OP.