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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the marital home in a mess

180 replies

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 19:22

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:46

NewBinBag · 27/04/2025 19:29

I've said unreasonable as the house comes with the junk & if you've split it's no longer your business.

But I'm guessing your kids will be living there at least some of the time & you want it to be safe & hygienic...
Who's the hoarder? You or him?

Edited

Neither of us are hoarders as such but it’s just years and years of stuff that’s accumulated in cupboards, drawers, junk piles and the kids have so so much stuff and they both have small bedrooms. Oldest loves plushies and I swear he’s got hundreds! Our house isn’t like hoarders next door, not yet but we have accumulated a massive amount of stuff that is crammed into a small house.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:49

MagicStarMama · 27/04/2025 19:29

I don’t think I would be able to leave my kids a shit tip of a house. Assuming they’ll still be living there part of the time.

I agree. I need to know it’s nice for them when they stay there. Ideally to reset it and make it decent then it would be up to ex to do whatever he wants with it.

OP posts:
thismummydrinksgin · 27/04/2025 22:53

hire a skip and do what you can x

Lavenderandbrown · 27/04/2025 23:05

What does ex want to do? Has he asked for help? Has he forbidden you/ dc to throw things away over the last few years? I would take what I want…clean the dc bedrooms and bathrooms. How bad is the kitchen? I wouldn’t want to leave my children in a house I know will never be cleaned out or cleaned up.

herethereandeverywhatnow · 27/04/2025 23:07

I left recently and started from scratch too. It sounds like you are planning it all without him knowing? That was my situation. I didn’t think he’d let me back after I left so I took everything of mine, and a lot of the children’s things - though not everything.
Our house was big and still felt overloaded, but I had been constantly trying to get on top of decluttering and clearing out children’s things as they stopped using them over the years, so it sounds like you would have a lot more to do…. But decluttering while I packed was hard work but pretty therapeutic (one bonus is that my children haven’t noticed things I got rid of that they had outgrown!). I had 3-4 days to get everything sorted while he was on a work trip, so it was a huge amount to do but just about manageable.
On the other side of it I’m now in a much smaller property and still trying to sort and unpack everything I brought here, and it’s way too much really, so do think about this aspect of it as well! And good luck 🍀

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/04/2025 23:17

If you helped cause it, you help sort it. Especially if your kids will be staying there

SallyDraperGetInHere · 27/04/2025 23:24

Does he know you are going? Do the kids? They may feel very conflicted about either precious things being left behind, or precious things turfed into a skip. Their emotional state needs to be considered.

If possible, an orderly, agreed clear out (in 2-2 months when the dust has settled) would be the best solution, as it doesn’t sound like he will keep the house in a good state for when the children stay with him.

BCSurvivor · 27/04/2025 23:26

OP, you're just as responsible as your ex for the buildup of clutter and junk.
It's a bit rich to say you're concerned your children won't have a clean and clutter free home when they stay with your ex when you've clearly contributed to and lived with the clutter up to now but are choosing to leave the junk behind.

Tbrh · 27/04/2025 23:32

Why would you leave your kids with this chaotic mess. Of course you should have a huge clear out if you are a decent parent

PickAChew · 27/04/2025 23:32

If his family kept dumping stuff on you and he wouldn't tell them to pack it in then he can deal with what's left. If he doesn't clean properly then he's going to get a shock when you're no longer doing it all, even if it's just him most of the tim

SallyDraperGetInHere · 27/04/2025 23:34

BCSurvivor · 27/04/2025 23:26

OP, you're just as responsible as your ex for the buildup of clutter and junk.
It's a bit rich to say you're concerned your children won't have a clean and clutter free home when they stay with your ex when you've clearly contributed to and lived with the clutter up to now but are choosing to leave the junk behind.

Edited

We don’t know the circumstances of her departure; there might be a context that makes it difficult.

AdoraBell · 27/04/2025 23:44

Just take want you want or need OP

scotstars · 28/04/2025 00:01

Can you joint pay for a skip? Sounds like you would fill it easily then if there's still more it's up to him to sort out

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/04/2025 00:30

It sounds like someone has a hoarder issue.

Is it manly yours?

PussInBin20 · 28/04/2025 00:42

Did you never throw anything away?

I don’t really get your concern now when you have all been living like that for years anyway 🤷‍♀️

Bananalanacake · 28/04/2025 00:49

I've made quite a bit of money selling my kids toys and clothes at car boot sales, I see you don't have a car. Facebook or Freecycle and say free toys outside X address and leave stuff on the street with a note saying free.

AliceMcK · 28/04/2025 01:21

Get a skip, they make such a difference. Also depending on the house could you put things out front for people to take? We do regularly.

We moved during covid so were restricted in donating things, so put all sorts, bikes, garden toys, furniture in our front garden and I posted on the local Facebook pages, free stuff at X address all must go. Most of it was taken. Also see if there are any scrap collectors close by. We have one that regularly post on our local pages what days he’s in the agree so people can put stuff outside. They also regularly offer to clear out garages and sheds. Just make sure you hide stuff you don’t want them to take.

We once filled a skip 3 times, same skip, we kept adding things and people kept taking things out. You will be amazed what people take from skips.

I bag up stuff and allocate them, good quality goes to charity shops or a local charity that sets up families in need. Old worn stuff clothes gets put in the cloths bins to be turned into rags. Everything else scrapped or binned.

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 01:45

DaisyBloo · 27/04/2025 20:46

Neither of us are hoarders as such but it’s just years and years of stuff that’s accumulated in cupboards, drawers, junk piles and the kids have so so much stuff and they both have small bedrooms. Oldest loves plushies and I swear he’s got hundreds! Our house isn’t like hoarders next door, not yet but we have accumulated a massive amount of stuff that is crammed into a small house.

Show quote history

What an ungodly waste of the planet’s resources. Hundreds of plushies??

Saltysnack · 28/04/2025 01:47

If a skip feels daunting, hippobags are great- they post or deliver various sizes of flat bags that fold out, and they come and collect them when full.

I agree that for your kids' sakes, you should tackle as much as you can - it'll make it more appealing for them to visit him.

Accepting I might be biased as just the thought of that clutter makes my chest tighten..!

Lavender14 · 28/04/2025 01:54

When I left I cleared out all of my stuff and ds stuff as he was coming with me. Left everything else to my ex to sort but more because i didn't want him having any of my documents or info so had to clear out irregardless.

ResultsMayVary · 28/04/2025 02:05

Psy for someone to sort it out? Take all of your personal stuff ,- craft clothes etc.

Create a clutter free bedrooms for the kids.

Leave the rest ti him especially items that came from his family.

TwinklyNight · 28/04/2025 02:41

Start bagging and donating stuff. Have a garage sale. Make up bags of toys and sell for almost free just to get rid without having to pay.

Eenameenadeeka · 28/04/2025 02:53

Bit off to say you "need to know it's nice for them to visit" when you have been living full time with them with it all there for years?

Bearhunt468 · 28/04/2025 02:54

Get a skip, be ruthless. I don't think it's fair to leave it for ex to sort out if it's both your stuff/kids stuff. Pick one room at a time and just throw away anything you don't need at all. It will then be easier to sort out. Otherwise you just move stuff from one room to another. I think if you have a skip and you haven't got to go through it sorting it out into piles and take it to charity shops or dump. Put stuff that is in good condition front of the skip and post on local FB that is available. Anything not taken you can then just go in the skip.

RedHelenB · 28/04/2025 02:58

MagicStarMama · 27/04/2025 19:29

I don’t think I would be able to leave my kids a shit tip of a house. Assuming they’ll still be living there part of the time.

They're living in one now though, so what's the difference?