To leave the marital home in a mess

[DaisyBloo]

I’ll be the one leaving the marital home and setting up in a new house. It’ll be therapeutic to start from scratch again and make the house completely my own however I’m very aware of how much of a mess the family home is -

Every cupboard is full to bursting with clutter, our children’s bedrooms are full of stuff and messy, our bedroom is again full of clutter and the whole house really needs a massive deep clean. I’ll be starting from scratch and leaving all furniture in the marital home. We’ve even got a shed in the garden that’s full to the top with old toys and junk. While it will be refreshing to be in a lovely tidy place and to leave the clutter behind I feel like I can’t truly leave it all to my ex to sort through (he won’t!)

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideally I’ll go back every so often and go through stuff but he may well not allow me access or be very difficult.

someone who is living in circumstances where they are being controlled by their partner/partner's family?

Take important paperwork, take one bag of sentimental items for your children, take any photos that aren't digitised. Leave everything else and make your peace with it all going in a skip - that is actually a blessing!

I don’t understand saying “I need to know it’s nice for them when they are staying there” when it will by the sounds of it be exactly what they’ve always been used to? If you left a nice, tidy and spacious home and your ex then accumulated so much stuff that it made it harder to live there, I’d understand your perspective. But the kids have been living there now in amongst it all so why would you now be worried about them being there?! And if you haven’t been able to sort it all whilst living there, how will you be better able to sort it whilst popping back in from time to time?

Would a man help declutter and clean a house before moving out?

It sounds like procrastinated, overwhelm clutter that builds up over the years.
It also sounds like STBX has contribtued by not doing his fair share of household maintainence, and condoning his family filling the house with additional stuff like the prams.

I suspect that after the OP's departure, it could escalate to non-functional levels of clutter and mess, and that's not fair on the DCs

For your DCs' sake, it sounds like it's worth doing a clear out of your things and their outgrown things. They deserve space to enjoy what they're in to now.

Do it by the simplest means possible.

The OP also says 'Ex isn’t the type to do anything much around the house except the basics like dishes' which suggests to me that even if she did put in a huge effort of decluttering and deep cleaning, it would still be a grotty cluttered dump after a few months.

So entirely wasted effort on her part except that he gets to believe in the housework fairy for a bit longer.

You take everything you want and are able to now. Anything that's personally yours and you don't want, either take to charity, take to tip or hire a skip to put in.

If you're on talking terms, you could discuss what happens with the rest and work out a plan. If that's not so easy and you're willing, suggest you help clear out some of the stuff before you move out and will return a few times in the first month to help with whatever you can. After that, make it a clean break for yourself.

I doubt very much you will be able to pop back to carry on sorting stuff out. While you need a good co parenting relationship it’s over and that will be his living space with the children and you will have yours.

Your description sounds like lower level hoarding, how much craft stuff do you have from before you got together? You should at least sort that out as it’s totally yours. I have the equivalent of a small kitchen cupboard full of craft and hobby stuff.

Given you've said none of it is really his mess I think you should offer to help , you definitely need to get rid of any of your own junk and you should do the children's between you, hire a skip.
If he says he didn't want you to that's up to him. You need to take your junk when you move out.

Hiya, just catching up on all replies as I unable to log into Mumsnet.

Yes that’s what I would like to do. Ideally hire a big skip and sort everything - so much stuff is old childrens toys and I wish I was braver to go into our old shed but it’s full of spiders! I’ll have to be brave!

Do you have a driveway or some space out the front? The weather is meant to be nice this weekend, put a post on all your local fb groups and just put it all outside for free. I did this recently and within 5 mins people were there looking through it! People can’t resist free shit 😂

If you’ve come to an agreement where he stays I don’t think you are reasonable to expect access in the future to go rooting through cupboards to take bits away. You need to take what you wish now.

Yes thats what it is. So the general living spaces are nice, the living room is minimal and clutter free, the bathrooms are clean, the kitchen looks clean and functional but all drawers and cupboards and full to bursting! Kids rooms absolutely full-a ridiculous amount of toys and stuff, it’s really hard to keep it tidy. All cupboards in the house are cupboards of doom! Our bedroom has loads of stuff in it too. I’m chipping away slowly.

We do! I’ve done that before and stuff goes so quickly!

Exactly this! I was warned not to say anything, told how ungrateful I was and that his family would take childcare away so I would have to give up my job.

At one point our child had -

42 dummies
35 sippy cups
6 prams
16 coats
Among loads of other stuff - his family absolutely bombarded us with stuff and I was not allowed to get rid of any of it for fear of them breaking contact with us. I even remember selling some clothes and toys and ex said I should give the money back to his family. Aagh!

It’s a rented property.

You've lived there for years, and haven't done anything significant to deal with what you admit is mainly yours and your kids junk, as opposed to his. If I were him, I'd be disbeliving of your sudden offer to sort it now you've moved out.

When do you leave? Does he know? Are you in work? If you have time before you leave, no work or hours you can work around I think you need to clear as much as you can. If it's been in a garage for a decade untouched, it can go in a skip. The Tat man will come round and have a rummage through which will help with prams etc as it'll reduce your load.

If you're working, leaving in a few days and it's a secret, you can't do much and that's life. But remember this is mainly your mess, so what's to stop you accumulating the same in your new home?

Do the kids know they're moving? I'd work now on getting them to pack up a single bedrooms worth of stuff. Agree how many boxes. Use that time to sift through for clothes that dint fit, broken toys etc. The rest has to be Dad's responsibility.

My son is autistic and collecting plushies brings him lots of joy ☺️

It sounds as if you are doing the best you can, @DaisyBloo - it isn't solely your responsibility.

I would prioritise your stuff - so he doesn't have the option to throw away anything precious of yours - then do what decluttering you can before you move.

Could the children help with the sorting in their rooms?

I think you need to prioritise.

Your stuff - get it packed into boxes or bags or whatever just to get it ready to go with you when you move. Especially if there is possibility he would dispose of your things.

Then do the children’s things that you know they will want to take with them. BUt it’s probably also important to make sure their rooms in the marital home still feel like theirs. And given their lives are about to change so much I would want to make them feel they have some ownership of deciding what happens to their things.

Then I would go drawer by drawer and cupboard by cupboard. As people said put things outside with a help yourself sign.

As the saying goes eat the elephant one bite at a time. Or something like that!

But if you'd been happy up until now for them to live with you in a shit tip the whole of the time, maybe you'd think differently.

From your open and engaging answers, I kinda realised you'd be dealing with an autistic child instead of the mental hoarding issues mentioned by so many posters.😘

I don't know how much a big skip over a weekend costs in the UK. They are fabulous to dispose off stuff hold on to for personal reasons but needing a good clean before leaving the property.

In Australia, many people selling and moving houses often have skips a couple of weekends in a row for convenience.

I understand you want a fresh start but surely the children will be taking most of their stuff with them? That would be two rooms cleared.

How Old are the children now? Could you set them on a mission to help sort their rooms?