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AIBU?

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Original poster

Guilt trip over an abortion

194 replies

DefinitelyMaybe123 · 27/04/2025 18:38

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 27/04/2025 18:39

He chose to put his penis inside you. He needs to be a grown up and deal with the consequences.

Don't feel guilty. Your body your choice.

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/04/2025 18:40

So he knew you weren't on contraception....did he use condoms?

ExtraOnions · 27/04/2025 18:40

If you had sex with someone, and you weren’t using any contraception, you must have know there was a chance you would get pregnant. Why would you take the risk ?

That goes to both of you.

It’s your choice entirely if you decide to keep the baby.

What about diseases as well ?

KnittyNell · 27/04/2025 18:42

Is there a reason you didn’t use contraception?

Letsseeshallwe · 27/04/2025 18:43

Consider that you'll be doing it completely alone, without family. Illness, death, or more often saying they will be there but barely. it pales in comparison to having a supportive partner

ColinOfficeTrolley · 27/04/2025 18:46

It's up to you what you do, and it's his loss if he doesn't want to get involved with his child, but honest to god, you are both absolute fucking idiots.

A poor kid who never asked to be born, potentially not knowing where he comes from and missing out on that stability.

I know accidents happen, but this wasn't an accident. It was a choice, made by two stupid people.

You will now have to deal with the consequence of knowing you are probably going to bring a child into the world, who won't know it's dad, and all the implications and trauma that brings with it.

YourBrickFawn · 27/04/2025 18:47

"Dear Dave when you leave sperm in vaginas, babies can happen."

And then never message him again. Just get all the details you can and write them down in case your DC asks later for info. You don't want to forget. Also print any texts emails for future reference when he says you stopped him from seeing the baby, and you can point out he tried to get you to abort

SilviaSnuffleBum · 27/04/2025 18:51

It's pretty fucking stupid to not contraception unless you're actively trying for a baby, whatever...
Good luck with whatever path you choose.

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 18:52

There’s unavoidably mixed feelings from both parties but I don’t think you should feel any guilt.

MagicStarMama · 27/04/2025 18:55

What went through your head to have unprotected sex with a man you’ve known for 8 weeks?

MatildaTheCat · 27/04/2025 18:56

You are only 29 and are doing well at work and have a home. Do you have any idea how much that will change if you bring a child into this as a single parent?

Why no contraception? Why the definite need to keep the child? You scarcely know this man yet are asking him to become a father. OK you both should have taken steps to avoid this but my gut feeling is that you didn’t want to and frankly I don’t blame him for feeling very upset.

Of course it’s your body, your choice but your supportive family will likely not be there every time you get sick, your child gets sick or the boiler breaks exactly when the nursery fees are due. It will all be on you and it won’t be fun.

PaperHatter · 27/04/2025 19:06

The flip side of raising this child alone and all the difficulties in that is he decides to be involved and you have to co-parent with him and all his family. My friend did this, believed she couldn't get pregnant had a fun relationship with no contraception and then pregnant. They tried to make it work between them, even got married. It was a disaster because she really didn't know this person, they didn't agree on basic fundamentals of how to parent, money, anything. He moved back home with his parents post divorce and they made my friend's life as miserable as possible because they were horrible people and believed she had trapped him because he had a good job and neither of them used contraception.

When your baby is young contact would be small amounts of time but often. Once they are older it can then become 50/50. You need to go into this with your eyes wide open. He could meet someone and introduce that woman to your child immediately. You are tying yourself to a relative stranger for not just the next 18 years but your child's life and their future.

This includes things like school choice too, what if you don't agree?

Parenting is hard, even with two people. You may have family support but will they align with your parenting choices? Plenty of Mums on here complaining about their own Mum's behaviour.

Snorlaxo · 27/04/2025 19:10

It is madness that he was having sex with you while knowing you weren’t on contraception. What did he think would happen?

There’s nothing you can do to change his mind- get ready for raising this baby on your own and talk to your friends and family for support.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 27/04/2025 19:10

Ridiculous. Poor child.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/04/2025 19:12

Good luck, OP.
This man sounds horrible anyway.
If you want to keep your baby, you should.

vivainsomnia · 27/04/2025 19:13

I don't get thos threads at all!

You were having sex unprotected so you knew you could get pregnant. You seem to know that earlier on that you are absolutely not getting an abortion, so surely, you always wanted to get pregnant?

If didn't want you to be pregnant and he is very clear about that. You told him clearly that you were not on any protection. Yet he was fine having unprotected sex with you?

These stories don't make sense!

Orangemintcream · 27/04/2025 19:15

Why would you want to tie yourself to this man ?

MyUmberSeal · 27/04/2025 19:15

That pair of you have acted equally irresponsibly.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 19:18

You chose to have unprotected sex, you caused this as much as he has. So of course you shouldn’t be guilted into abortion, but you brought this on as much as he did so you have to take the fall out. Time to grow up.

CurlewKate · 27/04/2025 19:19

First dump him. Then decide what you want to do. If that’s an abortion, then go for it-you can feel sad and regretful even if it’s the right thing to do. If it’s having the baby, apply to the CSA as soon as it’ born.

Bourbonbonbon · 27/04/2025 19:20

I'm sure you knew having unprotected sex was foolish. You don't need mumsnet to tell you. And it's done now.

Did you have a conversation about contraception or did he perhaps assume you were on the pill? If it was the latter, it's still his responsibility and not your fault but I can see how he's making it work in his head that this was planned. Because most women who don't insist on a condom would be on the pill. But that's not actually your problem. He should have asked.

You shouldn't have to get a termination if you don't feel you can. There should be no guilt attached to it.

With that said, I can understand that it makes no sense for you to have a baby with someone you just met, especially if this is how they've reacted, so I can understand why people might express that. It's not giving a child a chance at having two parents, let alone a known outcome. However you are where you are and I agree that you can make it work if you want to.

But you will have to detach from this man and everyone who agrees with him and just make wise choices from this point forward.

PluckyBamboo · 27/04/2025 19:20

Do you really want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life? You might find he wants 50/50 access as well and your child could end up as part of a complicated half sibling family.

Personally I wouldn't continue with this, you are still young and the right person who will want a family with you is out there but you'll be spending the next several years alone every evening if you have the baby.

S0j0urn4r · 27/04/2025 19:22

I'm assuming the condom(s) broke.
Please think long and hard about your next move. Single - parenthood can be great but it can also be really hard. Your family may well be supportive but your child is your responsibility.
I wish you well and hope you demonstrate a greater sense of responsibility towards future children than you have thus far.

123EndOfRope67 · 27/04/2025 19:24

I know you think you can raise this baby on your own but there is another possibility: he wants to be involved and will make your life an absolute fucking nightmare.

Having a baby with someone ties you to them in ways nothing else does. You are tied to him for the next 18 years. He will dictate how you spend your Christmas, your summer holidays, absolutely ruin the newborn days, he can even go to court and stop you from moving house if you're trying to move too far away.

And all that is assuming he's not an abusive arsehole who will completely fuck up this poor baby's childhood and future forever.

Ponderingwindow · 27/04/2025 19:38

Do consider that you may have to coparent with this “wonderful” man for the next two decades. You don’t get a choice on his level of involvement.