Guilt trip over an abortion

[DefinitelyMaybe123]

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

@OpheliaWasntMad but why settle for such a low bar. Why not try for an optimal start in life. People need to think about the resultant child and the impact their choices can have

Many of us work in environments where we are picking up the pieces or seeing the results of poor choices by parents

Interested to know why you weren't using contraception. Did you want a baby? Either way, congratulations and I'm sure it will all work out x

I think most people agree this isn’t the ideal way to bring a child into the world…
But since it has already happened and the OP wants the child I think it is more helpful to say that it is possible to be a very successful single parent and provide a child with a very happy childhood.

Just think of this guilt-tripping and manipulation as a taster of the hell you're gonna have co-parenting with this prince. Any particular reason why you picked an asshole you barely knew to have unprotected sex with and sire your child?

It’s not a child, even remotely. It’s a very early pregnancy.

I work in those environments.
I don’t know the OP circumstances but she has her own home and a good job . Doesn’t appear to suffer from addictions or mental health issues?
Without further information I can only wish her the best and assure her that it is possible to be a successful single parent.

Ok - but she wants to continue with the pregnancy so I think it’s reasonable to refer to the child that will result

Exactly. Careless, thoughtless, sloppy procreation shows an utter indifference to what the new human being’s life would be like. Totally and utterly selfish.

Assuming you weren't planning to get pregnant why on earth did you sex without contraception?? You have both been incredibly irresponsible.

You're assuming he won't be around. What about if he's the other kind who i angry at being trapped and makes ops life hell?

Self righteous pearl clutchers 🙄
Feel sorry for your children if they make any foolish mistakes.

Hope the poor OP has long gone .

To be honest it annoys me so much when on mumsnet people are very quick to judge women who decide to go it alone with a sperm donor. In my opinion that is much better than this situation better than this because the men donate their sperm willingly yet for some reason there is such a stigma around it.

@TheIceBear but it is the same issue, same reason why I don’t really like sperm donation, deliberate decision to only have one parent in a child’s life and for them not to know that parent or know their genetic background

Congratulations on your pregnancy - you sound like a competent and organised woman.
I would possibly re-think this relationship as this man does not sound very nice.

Good luck! Be nice to your mum - your going to need her x

It’s not the same it’s way worse in my opinion, dragging someone into the situation who doesn’t want a child. Mind you this man was pretty stupid to just assume the op was using contraception or choosing to ignore that she wasn’t.

It gets me how Mumsnetters think it’s awful to suggest that an OP who wants an abortion shouldn’t get one, but when an OP says she doesn’t want an abortion, people think it’s perfectly okay to argue that she really ought to consider it.

You know you didn’t try to “trap” him, OP. If he believes that, that’s his problem, not yours. Good luck and congratulations.

A work colleague was desperate for a child went out with someone, told them she was using contraception, but she wasn't. Once pregnant she ended the relationship and didn't want anything more to do with him. Now obviously he was an idiot to not wear a condom but once baby arrived he wanted to be a dad, much to the mum's disappointment as she didn't want him in her life. But he wanted to step up and be a dad and she had to let him, and he turned out to be a good dad. Didn't go to mum's plan, but better for the child

We judge because there's now going to be a child put into this world, whose entire life is going to be affected by the lack of a present, good father. In all honesty, I couldn't care less about what adults do, but it's infuriating that people keep popping unwanted and unplanned babies out when it's so easy to avoid it. As I said, we live in 2025, there's no excuse for this sort of shit anymore In this day and age of enlightenment. So yes, if you deliberately do idiotic things that affect other people (children), you'll be judged. And you should be.

And yes, it is utterly immoral to not do your absolute best to ensure you put a child into this world in the best possible circumstance. I.e in a stable home with two loving parents. A mother's right to be an idiot does not trump a child's right to a proper family.

Very well said, @Arancia

Just because someone "wants" something doesn't mean they should get it at all costs. A new human being is not a doll or a toy.

Agree with this. And it's not just the new human's life for the next 70-100 years.

It's also the costs ramifications it will have on others and society. There are hundreds of scholarly and scientific studies showing that outcomes are measurably poorer for children in one-parent homes. Everything from educational attainment to poverty/benefits to substance abuse to future relationships to crime. These are scientific studies, not opinions.

Well she can decide now whether she wants him around, it’s not his choice. He’s throwing his toys out the pram whilst she can just get on with it.
If he starts being rational then maybe. But personally I’d block him, give him an email address to contact if he wants to think about being in the child’s life, and absolutely not put him on the birth certificate. No one can accuse OP of “baby trapping” anyone then.

@Groundhogday2025 not one thought about the child in your post

Absolutely untrue. OP needs a healthy, stress free pregnancy. You can’t MAKE someone who doesn’t want to be involved be involved with their child. You give him an in (email, someway to contact you) for him to decide and help facilitate a relationship if he WANTS that, but any more than that you can’t do. Ball is in his court.