Guilt trip over an abortion

[DefinitelyMaybe123]

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

Not really. But single motherhood is not something to strive for or celebrate, because it's neither a win for the children or for women. Only for men that can run away from their responsibilities.

You completely missed the point, lol. You are happy to accept that a child born into a messy parenting situation can potentially turn out alright. Which is true, the potential is there. However, I'm saying that children should ideally be born into a parenting situation that is much more highly likely to turn them into well adjusted, happy people compared to a single mother situation. I'm sorry, but single motherhood is not the best to offer a child if you can avoid it. In this case, OP could have along with her Casanova of a lover.

Also, other males cannot truly replace a biological father.

@snughugs I am putting a child first

But there are other methods available to avoid pregnancy if one or two of them don't work for you for whatever reason. There's just no good excuse for not ensuring that at least one party protects themselves...

Absolutely NO ONE has said single parenthood should be celebrated or striven for . I was simply objecting to numerous posters piling on here to all tell the OP she was “stupid”, “idiotic” etc .
The OP appears to have left the thread and given the horrendous comments on here I don’t blame her.

Her situation is a difficult one . What’s done is done etc … She wants to keep the baby but the father is not supportive . I’ve had friends in similar situations and things have worked out ok .

Yes - you keep repeating what numerous other posters have already said .
It’s not ideal - we all KNOW that . Lol
BUT - if the OP can offer a secure and loving home the child can thrive and be happy.

People make mistakes @Arancia .

And when that happens they have to make the best decision in their particular circumstances

Producing a pregnancy with a virtual stranger who buggers off isn't a mistake. It's a grievously terrible life choice.

Running up credit-card debt is a mistake. Scraping another car's fender is a mistake. Getting a bad dye job is a mistake. Producing another human being into a disadvantaged situation out of sheer irresponsible carelessness goes far, far, far beyond "mistake."

@OpheliaWasntMad I don’t think not using contraception counts as a mistake. Not when you are a fully functioning adult who can hold down a job and own a house.

How secure is a home made up of someone who makes impulsive choices and nobody else? What happens to the new human being if OP becomes ill or dies? Or even just loses her job, becomes disabled, or otherwise is unable to properly care for the new human being? Then what?

Why not wait until one can provide a stable, committed, solvent, two-parent planned home for offspring?

Is there a reason you had sex without contraception, if getting pregnant wasn’t the intention? As much as I agree that yes he should have wore a condom, it’s a 2 way mutual agreement.

I don’t think a baby should be born as almost a punishment for both of you not taking responsibility of contraception.

So if it’s not a mistake- what would you define it as - a crime? a mortal sin ?

Blimey - having the baby is “punishment “ for not taking the responsibility of contraception…. ?
She wants the baby … it’s not “punishment “

Honestly- so many posters on here want to SHAME the OP into having an abortion because of her terrible unforgivable act of having unprotected sex.

This judgemental unforgiving harsh puritanical attitude is truly disgusting.

This solvent committed man might not show up. I work with some amazing, bright, beautiful caring women who’ve missed the boat and it’s shit. I listen to their abortion regrets and regret that even if they were in a bloody awful marriage they wish they’d have had a child to show for it. That’s the reality, these good quality men are so few.

OP has support from family , it’s probably more support than some of us “married” ones have

second paragraph is not valid at all; the fact that two people are under one roof parenting a kid, doesn’t mean at all that home is committed or stable

I know at least 3 girls that are self harming currently and they come from “loving” “committed” families

I agree with this

I’m a single parent and co parenting with my ex is utterly shit because IMO he is irresponsible. I have to hand over my amazing children who I would do anything for, to someone who has them at the bottom of his priority list. My heart sinks when it comes to his weekends. I worry less about my 10 year old going out on his own. My youngest is only 7 so I have many more years of this. I’ll always be tied to him even when the children are adults.

I really would not recommend doing this by choice. In my case I married someone I thought was amazing and it turns out he wasn’t. I don’t regret my children or what happened because I didn’t know but you do. This one has shown his true colours early on. You are only 29, you have time to meet someone decent and have a baby with someone who wants that too.

I’m really sorry - that’s sounds very hard.
( and thank you for addressing the OP respectfully and with compassion because that’s what she needs right now - not criticism)

Yes, fair point.

A stupid choice. The reason why people are being harsh is because it's hard to emphasise with stupidity on this level. As I mentioned, in 2025, adults all know how a pregnancy occurs and how to prevent it. So when people choose not to do what it takes to avoid unwanted pregnancies, they don't get to call their pregnancy a "mistake". It's not a mistake.

This applies to the man and the woman who have unprotected sex.

The baby in the one who will be getting punished. I know there are some amazing single parents and co parents out there, but I can’t imagine how it must feel to be brought up knowing your dad didn’t want you.

After reading these posts I remember why I never attended Mother and Baby groups. Judgemental Women.

As time goes by their children from two parent household actually have to achieve for them to keep making these comments without looking ridiculous. Trust me when your child gets older these folk have nothing on you especially if your own child is smarter, happier and goal driven. These “Fathers” being so wonderful and important is silently dropped (if they’ve not already split up and had their child endure trauma as a result).

Yes we know some kids born into poverty on an estate with a revolving door of Fathers have a terrible life. Unless we are addressing OP is a home owner with a supportive family and good job we are not comparing similar types of women and thus outcomes.

I look at my son’s Father now with his three kids. He’s a home owner but less solvent so the kids are in a cramped home where two of the kids will have to share. They attend a significantly worse school than my son and will not have the same access to hobbies tutors and advice. What’s more he’s vile the poor kids and wife will be terrorised and it will destroy those children’s self esteem. My son played Nationally for a sport. Their kids won’t because their Father will demand all the attention on him and is highly unlikely to be giving up all his evenings and weekends travelling the uk for coaching and tournaments, it wouldn’t happen. Also his wife will be railroaded into bizarre parenting ideas about extreme discipline and have little control on how the children are raised but be doing all the grunt work. She’s no money or career so would end up in social housing if they were to split.

Thats before the advantage of my child will get support through university and help to get on the housing ladder. So my son’s outcome will and is better than that of his half siblings who were “wanted”. Yet my son is the one that should’ve been aborted, really?

To quote Jonah Hill’s character from Knocked Up: get a shmasmortion at the shmasmortion clinic. That’s the grown up choice here. You’ve both been irresponsible, don’t be more irresponsible by having the baby.

@snughugs so why did that woman choose that person to be the dad of that child. Most of us are saying to choose carefully who you want the dad of your child to be, not choose a shit dad or any random person. Maybe you didn't realise how shit he was when you were with him, but his current partner would have seen your example, so why did she think he was a fine specimen of a dad. The picture you are painting of them doesn't say 'wanted' by him at all.