Guilt trip over an abortion

[DefinitelyMaybe123]

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

Your body your choice.

But what possessed you to have unprotected sex with a man not on contraception? Did you want to get pregnant?

You'll be linked to this man forever. Think carefully

That poor child being brought into this shitshow.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Well of course you don't have to have an abortion and if he knew you weren't using contraception then he's an idiot. You are both old enough to understand how this works so it kinda does sound like you did it on purpose. It's a bit sad to have a baby with a man you barely know, they could well grow up without a Dad which is sad, even if you do have your own home and supportive family you have set up for loads of issues.

The pair of you are idiots. I’m so sick of irresponsible people having children and saddling them with shit parents.

Contraception use is something you are both responsible for, but why would you choose to not use contraception when you are not both ready for a baby?

The choice is ultimately yours, but be prepared he may not be involved at all, or worse may be a very difficult co-parent.

Personally I couldn't bring a child into the world, knowing their father didn't want them. Is there any reasons you can't or won't wait for a secure relationship with someone who wants to be involved?

I don't think placing blame is relevant. You and your child will be family with this man, for the rest of your lives...

If a man can't be bothered to use a condom he's fucking stupid acting surprised when a pregnancy occurs. (Apologies if you used one and it split).

Adoption, not abortion.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

Well, you may not have tried to 'trap' him (since you say he knew you weren't on contraception) but you WERE obviously trying to get pregnant. Given that you've decided to keep the baby and you're pregnant by someone you barely know and have not being taking any precautions, a STD clinic would be my first port of call.

The only person who deserves sympathy in this situation is the poor baby. It has a father who REALLY doesn't want it, and a mother who apparently gave no thought to the suitability of a near stranger as a parent when she decided to let nature take its course.

No point asking why you didn't use contraceptive because you clearly wanted to be pregnant. I'd ask him the question, since he apparently did NOT want to be a father and must have known he was sleeping someone who had babies on the brain. But he's not here.

are you actually surprised to be pregnant if you weren’t using contraception? I can’t understand this.

Personally I think your insane co tonguing the pregnancy in these circumstances.

Kids deserve loving parents who want them not people who have known each other for 2 months and one doesn't want a baby

I really cannot understand the concept that well he knew I wasn’t on birth control….so how is it not a planned pregnancy when you knew that you will most likely get pregnant ?

It is 100% your choice as to whether you have a baby, not his, and you owe him not one second’s feeling of guilt.

He was just as responsible as you for the pregnancy and his child maintenance contribution will be a tiny commitment compared to yours as a single parent.

Single parenthood is hugely demanding financially, practically, socially and emotionally. Will you be able to sustain your job, the childcare costs and your mortgage?

In your shoes, if he is so against the pregnancy I would leave him off the birth certificate, certainly give the baby your surname and cut loose. Tell your child that it was a fling, not a relationship, he was a lovely guy but just a fling. You can tell them his name, etc if / when they ask. No secrets or lies.

Better IMO than trying to keep him involved and setting a child up for sporadic contact from an unreliable Dad who leaves them feeling abandoned, and negotiating the potential for veto of schools, house moves, holidays that can come with an absent awkward Dad who has PR.

Ridiculous. I can understand him being annoyed, although you’re both as irresponsible as each other. See above comment about bringing a child into the world with no available father.

Well i was in your position 18 years ago. Like you owned own home (outright) and had a career. It’s been hard as both my parents are now dead. I have no regrets and have an amazing clever son off to university.

Is he from a different class? My exes Mother stayed in a council house and never worked, his Father was uneducated and very misogynist and racist. My family my parents were highly skilled professionals and extended family all well educated with excellent jobs. When it comes to expectations and how they treat you in pregnancy they will hold all these more working class values and see you as just a stupid single benefit parent and try and humiliate you. In hindsight I am so pleased I never put him
on the birth certificate he would’ve only have used it to control rather than thinking of the child. He moved away with any forwarding address so imagine trying to contact him over something important after giving parental rights. He also just had these fixed views of women and children and he even said when he came to meet his son at 6 months that “he was making noises on purpose to annoy him and he’d need a Father to sort him out”.

My ex hasn’t seen his son since six months. He has gone on to have three other children. The most successful member of his family is my son who’s been abandoned. Definitely not complaining but my ex went on about two parents all the time but if they’re uneducated, abusive and have no money it doesn’t trump coming from a middle class, caring, intelligent family (single parent or not). As long as one parent has their act together it’s fine.

Ive considered writing to his Father now his 18 but changed my mind as my son isn’t interested think he’s “got nothing to offer him”. Also as he’s a narcissist he may want the kudos of having his son in his life now although my son would be shocked at the class difference (you know like lack of intelligent discussion instead if you disagree with their views you’re kicked out his house or he’ll have some dramatic diva strop). I’ve showed him his Dad’s house on right move and he knows the names of the children as I ordered their birth certificate. If the Father has similar values and aspirations it makes life easier, but deadbeats don’t think ahead. It was just a time in my life I thought have the baby, it’s the right thing to do.

My ex also went on about trapping and told me “I wouldn’t always to wealthier”. I still am and have since inherited quite a bit. I’ve been lucky and my son is an amazing person and I’m grateful I raised him to be a kind, decent man and not had his Father’s influence. These men’s behaviour can be heartbreaking but just accept they’re totally inadequate men.

Good Luck

Was there a part of you who wanted this?

You seen totally adamant to have the child and not using contraception was extremely silly otherwise.

Hopefully he'll come round for the child.

Absolutely this. What on earth were you thinking?

I’m really sorry there are so many smug sanctimonious Judgy comments on here.

All those posters who are like to kick someone when they’re down by telling them it’s their fault for making a stupid mistake… 😣

It sounds as if you feel you can handle this .

DONT let this man manipulate you into having an abortion .

Make the decision that is in the best interests of YOU and the baby .

( and f**k the nasty sanctimony on here . 100 years ago those posters would have been the nasty people judging the unmarried mother for her “immorality “)

No - I think a baby should be planned and if an accident occurs you should make whatever decision suits you best.

I don’t think you should be having sex with NO CONTRACEPTION unless you actively want a baby.

Both OP and her partner are irresponsible.

Yes - lots and lots of posters have said this over and over again.
We all know.
It’s happened now …
Stop just telling the OP what she already knows.

I don't understand these posts. If you're having unprotected sex, then you are actively trying to get pregnant. That's what happens.

So no you haven't 'trapped' him but you were trying for a baby with him. Did he know that?

I'm not on his 'side' but just don't get the disingenuity of these types of posts.

@OpheliaWasntMad many posters, including myself, are concerned about the welfare of the resultant child. There is no excuse in this day and age to not use contraception in a new relationship.

it is not great for a child to have an absent dad. It is not great for a child to have a parent who isn’t interested in them.

Yes many children do well with single mums, but many miss having a dad.

I don’t care who OP sleeps with but I do care about a child

Bringing up a child is a huge responsibility, it should not be taken lightly. And yes in a new relationship contraception should be the responsibility of both partners

If you have the baby, protect yourself and the child. You don't really know this man. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't give him the parental rights that would provide him with.

If he proves himself to be a decent human and a good dad in the fullness of time, the birth certificate can be amended to state his name if you/your child wish

Firstly massive well done for keeping the baby if that’s what you want to do!

but I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first.

wtf is that ^^^^

who gives a monkey about his pathetic career

he chose the actions he s choosing the consequences (thank you Dr. Phil)

please OP work on your self esteem!!! You ll be a great mum, you dont need this piece of entitled shit!

And to all the judgy pearl clutchers on this thread... Wind your necks in.
How is the result of this situation, materially going to be any different to a single, financially stable 29 year old woman with a house and a job choosing to have a baby via sperm donation or adoption? Bet you'd judge that person less though wouldn't you?