Page 8 | Guilt trip over an abortion

DefinitelyMaybe123 · 2025-04-27T17:38:21+00:00

Evening everyone, I need to offload I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc. I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it. I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

snughugs · 29/04/2025 11:09

crumblingschools · 29/04/2025 10:35

@snughugs so why did that woman choose that person to be the dad of that child. Most of us are saying to choose carefully who you want the dad of your child to be, not choose a shit dad or any random person. Maybe you didn't realise how shit he was when you were with him, but his current partner would have seen your example, so why did she think he was a fine specimen of a dad. The picture you are painting of them doesn't say 'wanted' by him at all.

Well she was 38 by then. Had no assets or decent career. He’s attractive, well dressed, puts on a show and tells her what her wants to hear. He also earns around £65k and a home owner, so the best on paper she would get at 38. Perfectly logical and to her she’ll have many of the trappings of a nice family life. Only he has been reported by several exes and is abusive but she wouldn’t have known this and having three children makes it much harder to leave and escape than just the one. Also when you’re with these controlling types it takes a shed load of courage to get out, they control everything, if you speak to the postman you’re flirting it’s just like living with someone who needs sectioned but actually knows precisely what right and wrong is.

My late Mother done me the best favour ever she said “Fine have the baby and I will
do everything to support you emotionally, financially and psychically but go back to that man and I’m writing you out my will”. I am eternally grateful for her support in handling the situation. Perhaps women on here would encourage their daughter to abort or stay with him?

She’d also be harassed into getting pregnant like “you don’t love me”. “Why are you not pregnant is there something wrong with you?” “I don’t like using contraceptives and I should know what you’re putting into your body and it’s my choice if we’re a couple”.

Dealing with a man like this is very alarming and scary. If you leave they stalk you, if you stay they terrorise you. If she wants to leave she might even be told the house is mine I pay for it, the children stay here and you go. He would 100% do something like this.

Not all Dads who choose to be Dad’s are good people and again I am extremely grateful for my Mother always advising me to get a career and assets so you can always leave and as a result this has less impact on the child as the child isn’t plunged into poverty as a result of a relationship breakdown.

OpheliaWasntMad · 29/04/2025 16:57

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 29/04/2025 10:28

To quote Jonah Hill’s character from Knocked Up: get a shmasmortion at the shmasmortion clinic. That’s the grown up choice here. You’ve both been irresponsible, don’t be more irresponsible by having the baby.

”Get a shmasmortion at the shmasmortion clinic.”

Another Nasty smartarse comment.

OpheliaWasntMad · 29/04/2025 16:59

Pro choice shouldn’t mean you’re ok with shaming women into having abortions .

snughugs · 29/04/2025 19:25

Exactly now it’s really not Pro Choice it’s now whether your partner wants it and some Karen’s believes you’re being selfish and they believe regardless of the fact you’re professional home owner that your child will have the same outcome as if you live in a social housing scheme as a way of shaming perfectly capable single women into having abortions.

Also single parenthood shouldn’t be knocked too much. I’ve got a really easy highly respectful 18 year old son. I know people with sons similar age and they have no respect for their Mothers and part of the problem is their Fathers not backing up the Mothers and being disrespectful in front of them.

It’s also disrespectful some of us are practicing Catholics and don’t feel entirely comfortable with playing God or using an abortion as a form of contraception. Don’t get me wrong pregnancy alone is very hard but for me all the dark days were very much worth it. Imagine if I took the Karen’s advice?

Also where are these wonderful Fathers. In fairness there’s some good Father round where I live but many split up. Some are hit by terrible illness, some bereavement and so on. Life is full of curved balls and it’s how you deal with them. The Father of this child has chosen to deal with it with fear and there’s far worse things in the world than having kids. Don’t think I’d want scaredy cat Daddy around in my hour of need. He’s not much of a man is he? Want to play and go back to Mummy’s and then play some more only this time the victim, all reinforced by misogynistic women on Mumsnet telling you “it’s for the good of the child”.

MyUmberSeal · 29/04/2025 19:28

snughugs · 29/04/2025 19:25

Exactly now it’s really not Pro Choice it’s now whether your partner wants it and some Karen’s believes you’re being selfish and they believe regardless of the fact you’re professional home owner that your child will have the same outcome as if you live in a social housing scheme as a way of shaming perfectly capable single women into having abortions.

Also single parenthood shouldn’t be knocked too much. I’ve got a really easy highly respectful 18 year old son. I know people with sons similar age and they have no respect for their Mothers and part of the problem is their Fathers not backing up the Mothers and being disrespectful in front of them.

It’s also disrespectful some of us are practicing Catholics and don’t feel entirely comfortable with playing God or using an abortion as a form of contraception. Don’t get me wrong pregnancy alone is very hard but for me all the dark days were very much worth it. Imagine if I took the Karen’s advice?

Also where are these wonderful Fathers. In fairness there’s some good Father round where I live but many split up. Some are hit by terrible illness, some bereavement and so on. Life is full of curved balls and it’s how you deal with them. The Father of this child has chosen to deal with it with fear and there’s far worse things in the world than having kids. Don’t think I’d want scaredy cat Daddy around in my hour of need. He’s not much of a man is he? Want to play and go back to Mummy’s and then play some more only this time the victim, all reinforced by misogynistic women on Mumsnet telling you “it’s for the good of the child”.

Who is Karen?

snughugs · 29/04/2025 19:44

MyUmberSeal · 29/04/2025 19:28

Who is Karen?

Edited

Show quote history

The ones shaming into termination. This is why I believe the law on euthanasia is also wrong as before you know it the same people will be telling old folk “They’re being selfish and a drain on society”. I think we can agree abortion has it place but it shouldn’t be made out you’re selfish for not having one and society and the people on this thread make it clear that’s what they’re of the opinion. It’s of my opinion this is wrong, it’s a woman’s choice to be respected and supported.

TheStorksAccomplice · 29/04/2025 19:49

Slightly different perspective here.
Ancient mother of a lovely girl who was in a toxic relationship and became pregnant. She wanted out of the relationship for many reasons, not least his controlling behaviour and lack of support for the pregnancy. She decided on a termination because she thought she would never be rid of him otherwise. Fast forward a few years when she had finally settled into a happy relationship and planning for a much longed for baby. Except that it wasn't going to happen - she had undergone a premature menopause and pretty much all her egg follicles were gone. I can't begin to describe the heartbreak.
With the clarity of hindsight, how I wish I had talked her out of that termination. It's all too easy to take fertility for granted when we are consumed by trying not to conceive.
OP, I hope it all works out OK for you. Listen to what your heart is telling you 💐

Rklap · 29/04/2025 20:06

This is quite an odd situation.

Why didn’t you use any contraception? It applies to him too - it seems such a strange decision from both of you.

I can kind of see why he thinks that you planned to trap him, but he knew full well that there was no contraception in place and didn’t do anything about it.

Really confusing decision making from both of you.

That said, if you want the baby then have it. It’s your choice. You must have wanted a baby, or you would have used contraception.

crumblingschools · 29/04/2025 21:06

@snughugs you criticise misogynistic women and then use a misogynistic term

TheHerboriste · 29/04/2025 22:36

TheStorksAccomplice · 29/04/2025 19:49

Slightly different perspective here.
Ancient mother of a lovely girl who was in a toxic relationship and became pregnant. She wanted out of the relationship for many reasons, not least his controlling behaviour and lack of support for the pregnancy. She decided on a termination because she thought she would never be rid of him otherwise. Fast forward a few years when she had finally settled into a happy relationship and planning for a much longed for baby. Except that it wasn't going to happen - she had undergone a premature menopause and pretty much all her egg follicles were gone. I can't begin to describe the heartbreak.
With the clarity of hindsight, how I wish I had talked her out of that termination. It's all too easy to take fertility for granted when we are consumed by trying not to conceive.
OP, I hope it all works out OK for you. Listen to what your heart is telling you 💐

scaremongering is so obnoxious. There is zero reason to believe that OP will experience a rare form of infertility that is completely unrelated medically to termination.

TheHerboriste · 29/04/2025 22:37

snughugs · 29/04/2025 19:25

Exactly now it’s really not Pro Choice it’s now whether your partner wants it and some Karen’s believes you’re being selfish and they believe regardless of the fact you’re professional home owner that your child will have the same outcome as if you live in a social housing scheme as a way of shaming perfectly capable single women into having abortions.

Also single parenthood shouldn’t be knocked too much. I’ve got a really easy highly respectful 18 year old son. I know people with sons similar age and they have no respect for their Mothers and part of the problem is their Fathers not backing up the Mothers and being disrespectful in front of them.

It’s also disrespectful some of us are practicing Catholics and don’t feel entirely comfortable with playing God or using an abortion as a form of contraception. Don’t get me wrong pregnancy alone is very hard but for me all the dark days were very much worth it. Imagine if I took the Karen’s advice?

Also where are these wonderful Fathers. In fairness there’s some good Father round where I live but many split up. Some are hit by terrible illness, some bereavement and so on. Life is full of curved balls and it’s how you deal with them. The Father of this child has chosen to deal with it with fear and there’s far worse things in the world than having kids. Don’t think I’d want scaredy cat Daddy around in my hour of need. He’s not much of a man is he? Want to play and go back to Mummy’s and then play some more only this time the victim, all reinforced by misogynistic women on Mumsnet telling you “it’s for the good of the child”.

Why did your god “design” the human body to readily reject fertilized eggs, if aborting them is so bad???

OpheliaWasntMad · 29/04/2025 23:18

TheHerboriste · 29/04/2025 22:36

scaremongering is so obnoxious. There is zero reason to believe that OP will experience a rare form of infertility that is completely unrelated medically to termination.

Show quote history

And yet you’re happy to scaremonger about the very worst outcomes for single mothers.

OpheliaWasntMad · 29/04/2025 23:27

TheStorksAccomplice · 29/04/2025 19:49

Slightly different perspective here.
Ancient mother of a lovely girl who was in a toxic relationship and became pregnant. She wanted out of the relationship for many reasons, not least his controlling behaviour and lack of support for the pregnancy. She decided on a termination because she thought she would never be rid of him otherwise. Fast forward a few years when she had finally settled into a happy relationship and planning for a much longed for baby. Except that it wasn't going to happen - she had undergone a premature menopause and pretty much all her egg follicles were gone. I can't begin to describe the heartbreak.
With the clarity of hindsight, how I wish I had talked her out of that termination. It's all too easy to take fertility for granted when we are consumed by trying not to conceive.
OP, I hope it all works out OK for you. Listen to what your heart is telling you 💐

Im really sorry to hear that. I hope your daughter has managed to come to peace with her situation and is happy now. It must have been so very hard.

I agree with your kind advice.

123EndOfRope67 · 30/04/2025 15:36

TheStorksAccomplice · 29/04/2025 19:49

Slightly different perspective here.
Ancient mother of a lovely girl who was in a toxic relationship and became pregnant. She wanted out of the relationship for many reasons, not least his controlling behaviour and lack of support for the pregnancy. She decided on a termination because she thought she would never be rid of him otherwise. Fast forward a few years when she had finally settled into a happy relationship and planning for a much longed for baby. Except that it wasn't going to happen - she had undergone a premature menopause and pretty much all her egg follicles were gone. I can't begin to describe the heartbreak.
With the clarity of hindsight, how I wish I had talked her out of that termination. It's all too easy to take fertility for granted when we are consumed by trying not to conceive.
OP, I hope it all works out OK for you. Listen to what your heart is telling you 💐

@TheStorksAccomplice arguably, who knows what a horrible life your DD and her baby would have had because she wouldn't have escaped his control and she wouldn't have met her new nice DH. Infertility has solutions, although not perfect. Escaping an abusive arsehole is incredibly difficult even without a baby.

It's not that black and white and we all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.

TheStorksAccomplice · 03/05/2025 09:24

TheHerboriste · 29/04/2025 22:36

scaremongering is so obnoxious. There is zero reason to believe that OP will experience a rare form of infertility that is completely unrelated medically to termination.

Show quote history

A nasty, narrow-minded response, wilfully misinterpreting my post. You might do well to go back and read the OPs feeling about her situation

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 03/05/2025 10:00

What isit about men not wanting to use condoms.
I met someone for 2nd time yesterday abit of get under to get over so to speak. Anyways I've been sterilised aged 35 don't and can't have anymore kids thankgod he knows this But just as getting into it I asked if he had a condom. He said yea do u wanna use one. Bloody 2 right I do told him I don't know him and he hasn't as I haven't been tested etc. Anyways he failed to put first one on but managed the 2nd but yano why aren't they concerned about consequences stupid men

SilviaSnuffleBum · 03/05/2025 11:21

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 03/05/2025 10:00

What isit about men not wanting to use condoms.
I met someone for 2nd time yesterday abit of get under to get over so to speak. Anyways I've been sterilised aged 35 don't and can't have anymore kids thankgod he knows this But just as getting into it I asked if he had a condom. He said yea do u wanna use one. Bloody 2 right I do told him I don't know him and he hasn't as I haven't been tested etc. Anyways he failed to put first one on but managed the 2nd but yano why aren't they concerned about consequences stupid men

There are also a lot of stupid women not thinking about consequences, evidently.

OpheliaWasntMad · 03/05/2025 17:01

TheStorksAccomplice · 03/05/2025 09:24

A nasty, narrow-minded response, wilfully misinterpreting my post. You might do well to go back and read the OPs feeling about her situation

Show quote history

Absolutely 💯

OpheliaWasntMad · 03/05/2025 17:04

123EndOfRope67 · 30/04/2025 15:36

@TheStorksAccomplice arguably, who knows what a horrible life your DD and her baby would have had because she wouldn't have escaped his control and she wouldn't have met her new nice DH. Infertility has solutions, although not perfect. Escaping an abusive arsehole is incredibly difficult even without a baby.

It's not that black and white and we all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.

Show quote history

“It's not that black and white and we all make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.”
Exactly - we can only do our best with the information we have at the time.
There are too many people who are quick to judge and criticise something that’s already happened