Guilt trip over an abortion

[DefinitelyMaybe123]

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

Not really. Having two committed parents is the best start a child can have.

@MoveYourSelfDearie I do judge sperm donation as I don’t think that is an ideal situation either.

As an adopted person I am not against that but I do think people need to be much more responsible where contraception and bringing children up in shit situations is concerned

Wouldn’t judge that person less at all. Would judge them just the same.

If he knew you weren’t on contraception he can’t argue you’ve trapped him. Why you weren’t on contraception is a fair question - is there part of you wanted this or didn’t care if it happened? Definitely don’t have an abortion you don’t want for the sake of this man’s opinion. He may step up once the baby is “real” to him, he may not, but you are 29 and solvent with a supportive family and a good job. You’ll be fine.

Yes . Agreed. But I think the OP is asking for advice on the situation as it is now rather than views on her failure to use contraception. .

If the OP is still reading this and hasn’t been put off by the critical posters- I hope you find the strength and support you need to make the best decision for you and the baby.
Babies don’t have to have two parents. One loving and grounded parent is more than good enough for a happy childhood

It’s interesting I got a lot of these comments when pregnant. People my age were shocked and made more derogatory comments. The older people I know (friends parents, clients etc) were delighted for me sending me cards and presents told me and their daughters I’d be absolutely fine and so would the child. This is true. I look around and see children my son’s age from two parent families who seem to have real struggles with their kids academically and with their mental health. I don’t deny two amazing switched on parents is the gold seal but all you have to do is go on the relationship board and see many married couples live in misery where the women is disrespected. Your child will not have to go through a break up and the Father is unlikely to be paying for court fees. I don’t believe they give legal aid to Father to take Mother’s to court now either. My son’s father would’ve never taken this route as it would’ve enforced accountability and he would’ve been made to pay. The first thing he done after his son was born is change his will to ensure his Mother inherited his estate. He wasn’t interested.

You’ll be fine. Children aren’t disposable commodities that everything needs to be perfect in that moment before they’re allowed to be born. Sometimes women who rent and cohabit thinks they’re in a less precarious position than yourself and her child has a better start. It’s simply not true.

Also studies show middle class single Mother’s their children do equally as well as two parent middle class children. A lot of the single parent rhetoric is down to poverty and many of these single parents aren’t that at all they have revolving door of men in their children’s life. They’re not remaining single. In my experience single mothers with their own homes and careers are cautious.

My son’s Father harassed me into pregnancy and refused to use contraception. I was being broken down I had my doubts but if I finished with him he’d appear at my house, or if I escaped him and went to my Mothers he’d camp outside there too. Pregnancy put him on the spot and he said “Now that I know I can get someone pregnant have an abortion”. He’d taken enough control
away from me by this point and you can’t possibly respect a man who does this. So that was that. Yes I was 29 and could’ve met someone more worthy but there’s no guarantees in life. Plenty women leave it too late and I would’ve hated that.

Flippin heck, I didn't know that me & dh being working class had such a negative effect on our poor children.
Even though we are clearly never going to reach the great heights of the middle class we have two amazing (planned) children and shockingly, unlike our middle class superiors managed not to shag each other silly without contraception.
If at 29 I hadn't worked out how contraception worked, middle class or not I would be extremely embarrassed by my obvious foolishness.

Did he know you weren't on contraception? It's incredibly irresponsible to try for a baby with a man you've only known a few weeks. He will have rights to access with your child and you have no idea what kind of person he is

Well whatever he may think abut commitment and work etc, and his readiness to be a father, he still has responsibilities for the baby. He will be obliged to cough up via CMS whether he likes it or not.
In your position I would clarify that he was well aware that you weren't using contraception, so it was hardly a trap. He chose to have unprotected sex, and this is the entirely predictable consequence. He's 33, what did he think would happen?
I would say that it is very early days, and it may be that once he understands that you are going ahead with the pregnancy ( if that's what you decide to do), he will change his position. Currently he's saying he would rather not be a father at this point in time, but that doesn't necessarily mean he won't be involved further down the line.

I’ll admit not ideal, but I took responsibility for my foolishness . It’s not a dig at working class just the it’s just life can be easier with money and having the right guidance. Glad you have had wonderful planned babies doesn’t make unplanned babies less wonderful and it doesn’t mean having a loving working class home isn’t great too. It’s the women on here judging others. Perhaps we should all stop and support the op?

I agree. There’s so much judgement on here. I think your post was in a spirit of support for the OP and much more helpful than all the critical posts

I mean, it's up to you, but this doesn't sound like the best start in life for a child.

Class is irrelevant. Children need stability and love and working class families can provide those two things brilliantly .

What do you mean by the “ best start in life” ?

How many of us were born with “the best start in life”?

The important thing here is actually to try and build a relationship with this man - if he is goign to be the father of your child! You are going to be tied to him for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! sorry to say that loudly.

I think he can be cut some slack on initial reactions it's possible he was shocked/ stressed - but yes it's rude of him to suggest you did this on purpose

Far, far more importantly is getting over the initial bickering (As it's just totally irrelevant in the end - ) - is are you going to be able to get on with this guy for 18 years and more/?

Well being deliberately conceived by two parents who are in a stable relationship and both want you is a good start.

So you’re pregnant by someone who you had known for a couple of weeks when you conceived? As others have said, you’re planning to have a baby with a stranger which is a very odd decision to make. I imagine that the father is thinking that he doesn’t want to have a baby with a stranger and is suggesting termination because that’s the sensible thing to do.
Why don’t you rethink and if you want to have a baby as a single parent, get a sperm donor. Doing that means you don’t have to saddle yourself with god-knows-who for the next 20 years.

@OpheliaWasntMad isn't that one of the issues, many people have such a low bar of what is best start in life. Doesn’t mean loads of money, middle class. But surely best start in life would be parents who actually want a child, not just being careless with contraception. This is a life you are creating who will have to live with the consequences of your carelessness. Maybe the child won’t mind not having a dad in their life, but many children do. They might not mind when they are little but if they become a parent themselves they might then feel the lack of a parent or wonder why one of their parents was so shit, and why their other parent thought it would be a good idea to have a child with them

I had the impression the OP does want this child.

Why would you get pregnant by someone you barely know??? That’s what animals do. We humans have the power to be more prudent and judicious.

Don’t you want better for your offspring?

Yes I agree - but many of us had a less than optimal start in life and it was ok. You do need at least one parent to want and love you . As long as you have that it can work…

@OpheliaWasntMad if she wants this child what made her think this man would be ideal dad material. Child will grow up knowing one parent didn’t want them or mum didn’t give a shit whether they would have a dad in their life. Great parenting!

He lives with his mum, he’s hardly a catch is he. Keep your lovely baby, don’t feel guilty and end it with him. He’s got more to get out of you than you do from him.

Tell him to fuck off with his guilt trips. Whether or not you wanted this baby is irrelevant really. He knew you weren’t using contraception and chose not to use any himself (actually, I’ve just assumed that, I suppose there is a failure rate with condoms even with perfect use). We all know how babies are made. It’s not your duty to have an abortion to make his life easier.

Prepare for it to be a bumpy road. Think practically about putting money aside to meet your mortgage payments etc when on maternity leave as it sounds probable that you won’t have his support with any of that, with the exception of child maintenance. You have months to be putting money aside.

Also prepare that this might not be the journey that you always dreamed of. He might decide to be very hands off in which case you can’t force contact and might need to rely on your family for help.

Alternatively, he might push for 50/50 (either out of a genuine desire to care for his child, or to get out of paying child maintenance). So once your baby is no longer breastfeeding, you might find yourself in a situation where you don’t have your child around for days on end.