Guilt trip over an abortion

[DefinitelyMaybe123]

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

This is not an accidental pregnancy between two people in a loving, stable, solvent and committed relationship. This is a chance meeting between two strangers and is going to result in a bewildering shitshow for the new human being.

We are perfectly capable of controlling our fertility/reproduction, and it's immoral to no do so until circumstances are optimal.

You're sure he knew you weren't on contraception?

Ok love 🥲 You sure you just didn't want a baby? Single, 29 etc.

Give me a break. I have spent more time evaluating a pet sitter than this person spent selecting a bio-father for her offspring.

I've also been sexually active for 46 years and believe me, where there is a will, there is a way, to not procreate. There were times as a very young woman the choice was between contraception and food. Contraception was always Priority 1. Irrespective of whatever my "partner" was doing; no man gets to decide for me whether or not I become pregant.

Obviously that ship has sailed now, but for all but the first few of my fertile years, when I wasn't sexually active, I took control. Two methods of birth control and avoiding the really fertile days has a pretty low failure rate. I am so tired of women making excuses for careless reproduction.

That first sentence though 🤣🫶

I used to believe that I would never fall pregnant by accident, but here I am with my 7 week old I didn't plan

Wow. People have really come here just to patronise a woman who is dealing with a lot and in her first trimester. Do us as women forget how hard them times were. And the baby’s father is acting like an absolute tool. Why do we feel the need to ridicule this woman and call her an idiot? Oh I forgot it’s mums net where people are unhappy so they find comfort in other people’s misery.

Anyways OP, the comment about you trapping him is silly. You have your own house, he lives with his mom. If anything it’s the opposite way around. You say your financially stable, kids are a lot of money so don’t underestimate how hard it can be. This is coming from somebody with money too.

Next, any belief you have about being emotionally stable please think about your worst moment and x10. The isolation that goes into motherhood, the stress, the frustration, the fatigue. I mean well when I say this: you will meet your match. Be prepared even without family help. I thought I’d have it and didn’t. I’ve struggled loads and I have a husband.

This is the case in low income single parent families. My family is full of single Mothers Drs, Lawyers, Headteachers and they have all have academic and successful children. Some women are in a financial position to walk away and raise their kids. All of them have absent Fathers who they have no contact with, all married prior to child but broke up pregnancy or when the children are very young.

I get quite annoyed when these sweeping statements are made and the reality is we will have more Mothers doing it alone. We had plenty Mothers after the war doing it alone.

Perhaps not having a quite a selfish Father myself I am not getting what the fuss is about.

I definitely do think it’s helps if the woman has a career, own home and money as the child doesn’t have to do without and got access to whatever they need.

Do all you women castigating OP have wonderful Fathers and Husbands? I doubt it a lot of men are pretty selfish.

Also here’s a list of nine former presidents raised by single Mothers. Top job in the world, do not insult children who grew up without Fathers. Many including my own son is certainly a higher achiever than the vast majority of two parent households.

Andrew Jackson (his father died before he was born)
Barack Obama
Calvin Coolidge
George Washington
Gerald Ford
James A. Garfield
John Tyler
Rutherford B. Hayes (his father died before he was born)

Ive often wondered if this thread is just sheer misogyny not every child raised by a single parent is low attaining, on drugs and mugging your granny, some are really happy content children.

A Father who has not met you not wanting to know is one thing, one that has bonded with the child and leaves is more destructive.

You have absolutely no way of knowing whether the child’s life will be happy or not . You don’t know the OP. You don’t know if there are good male role models in her extended family. You don’t know how supportive her parents and siblings are . We do know she has her own home and a good job and is certainly old enough to be a competent parent .
It comes across as if you are making judgements based on your own prejudices about single mothers .

Great post @snughugs

( totally agree about the snooty misogynistic prejudice against single mothers)

Agree with all of this .
re your last paragraph- yes motherhood is tough - and doubly so if you’re on your own. But it IS possible to do it well ( and I have friends who’ve done it very successfully)

Funny , I’ve heard this urban legend about the child being born with the coil in their hand many many times.

I’ve nothing against single mothers but I do think planning a child in such careless circumstances with someone the op barely knows who doesn’t actually want a child is just ridiculous. People who want to do this should get a sperm donor in my opinion.

Whoopee about the US presidents. That's a handful of people out of probably hundreds of millions. In the UK, statistics show that youths from father-absent homes are twice as likely to end up incarcerated as those from two-parent households.

Here is the official debunking of that claptrap about baby being born holding an IUD. It is scientifically impossible.

https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-baby-born-iud-mirena-268471572996

What an incredibly snooty response.
We all accept that two parent families are the ideal but lots of those “youths” from “father absent homes” have very successful and happy lives .

Really unpleasant prejudice against single mothers on this thread.
So much for solidarity mumsnetters.

Yes and if you have any grasp on statistics you’ll know usually these are the more impoverished children to begin with. As I stated if the child is middle class their educational outcome is equal to their peers studies show this. If you’re going to compare it’s hardly fair comparing op who owns her own home and on a decent salary to some parent living in poverty, with low aspirations and low levels of their own attainment.

Do you people think you’re above single mothers because you’ve got some “man”? He could be a thick, have no money, have no real aspirations for the child either and not necessarily the type to ferry them about for hobbies and you think that’s better than a professional women with her own house and money doing all these things?

No wonder some women settle for so little, they shouldn’t and be honest many of the judgy posters will not have wonderful men, they’ve just got a man.

educational outcomes are not everything. DH has been a wonderful dad to DC. Their lives would have been much poorer without him (and I don’t mean materially). His side of the family have also enriched their lives (again not talking materially). Why purposely deprive a child of these people in their lives. why decide a shit dad is a good thing just so you can have a baby?

Most children probably won’t tell their single mum that they wish they had a dad, or wonder why she chose such a shit person to provide the sperm but many will think it.

There is much talk about young males needing a role model, our DC have a fine example in their dad.

I’m obviously not talking about the men who started off wonderful and then buggered off. But OP has no idea what this bloke will be like, she hardly knows him herself.

Interesting many posters always tell women to be careful when introducing a new partner to her existing children, but it seems any old sperm donor will do to create a child.

Poor kid. I think it’s really unfair on a child to bring it into the world with one parent actively not wanting it there. How it going to work long term. Are you willing for him to have the kid 50% of the time because he might choose to do that.

In the day and age of very immature men not being ready until they’re heading to their 40s of course it’s a natural desire to have children if you’re a woman. Men now get no strings sex due to the pill and due to not having to get married to have sex. Men love sex which has no consequences and so they can remain like Peter Pan and never deal with being a big boy. Women are now seeking out donors and like the poster and probably like myself thinking now or never. Women who are solvent and accomplished don’t really want to take up with just anyone. I mean it’s ok to expect a similar level of financial security and intelligence. I suspect you believe women at their peak with the financial ability to provide should miss out on Motherhood and a family because Peter Pan wants her to terminate as the child needs a Dad regardless of the quality of some of these men who are fathers. Men will take the easy route out especially if society allows it. There’s plenty solo Mother’s now bringing a different dynamic.

All this thread is women shaming women for having sex and the man not taking responsibility for the child but she is. What’s the problem? She’s unlikely to be claiming loads of benefits and will be a hard working role model who’s shown she’s taken responsibility. Men or misogynistic women do not get to dictate if other women are worthy enough to take responsibility for their actions and be Mothers.

How is it a mistake though? Calling this a mistake indicates that neither OP or the guy she slept with know how babies are made, so they had sex genuinely thinking that babies are delivered by storks.

This is not a mistake, it's pure recklessness and irresponsibility. That's not the same as making mistakes.