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AIBU?

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Original poster

Guilt trip over an abortion

194 replies

DefinitelyMaybe123 · 27/04/2025 18:38

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

OP posts:
Hollyaddy · 27/04/2025 19:40

You're both idiots.

Sound like a pair of irresponsible 16 year olds ffs

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2025 19:42

Hollyaddy · 27/04/2025 19:40

You're both idiots.

Sound like a pair of irresponsible 16 year olds ffs

This. If you’re not trying not to have a baby, you are trying for a baby. With a stranger.

<slow hand clap>

cressidahun · 27/04/2025 19:46

There is no faster route into poverty than to have a child with a useless man. Honestly OP think again.

Neetra30 · 27/04/2025 19:49

If you want to be a single mum and you think you can manage, do it.
Just dont expect your partner (or ex partner) to help, as he doesnt sound supportive and you cant force him.
He can pay child maintenance though

Neetra30 · 27/04/2025 19:51

MatildaTheCat · 27/04/2025 18:56

You are only 29 and are doing well at work and have a home. Do you have any idea how much that will change if you bring a child into this as a single parent?

Why no contraception? Why the definite need to keep the child? You scarcely know this man yet are asking him to become a father. OK you both should have taken steps to avoid this but my gut feeling is that you didn’t want to and frankly I don’t blame him for feeling very upset.

Of course it’s your body, your choice but your supportive family will likely not be there every time you get sick, your child gets sick or the boiler breaks exactly when the nursery fees are due. It will all be on you and it won’t be fun.

100% agreed

Neetra30 · 27/04/2025 19:53

And you only knew the guy for 8 weeks? No comment

crumblingschools · 27/04/2025 19:53

Another child in a shit situation

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 20:02

He sounds like an immature twat. But then I cannot understand why you, for whom contraception is free and who has informed choice, chooses to have unprotected sex with a man you’ve known for 5 minutes? Why would you do that? And THEN be surprised, when you don’t know this man at all, by his reaction? Did you expect a proposal and a happy ever after??.

Oakcupboard · 27/04/2025 20:04

Your body, your choice.

Gemmawemma9 · 27/04/2025 20:06

It’s not just about you, it’s about bringing a child into a messy situation with one parent who doesn’t want to know.

LucyMonth · 27/04/2025 20:07

People will always say “he chose to have sex with you knowing you weren’t on contraception so tough titties for him”.

In a lovely feminist paradise that would be absolutely true. In reality when a straight couple have unprotected sex the only person whose life is at risk of completely blowing up due to a pregnancy is the woman’s.

At most the man will have to pay a bare minimum payment once a month for 18 years but that’s it.

That’s why men don’t make a fuss about having unprotected sex. That’s why there is no point in saying “he knew this risks”!

Yeah he did. He knew you might get pregnant and he could just fuck off and having nothing to do with it. So not much of a risk for him. That’s why women have to take responsibility for contraception. It’s not fair but it’s life. It’s women who take all the risk when having unprotected sex.

MouseMama · 27/04/2025 20:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think you need to give him time to get his head around it. It’s very early days. Clearly you both knew you could get pregnant having unprotected sex - I guess he was just enjoying himself, didn’t want to use a condom and thought you’d “take care of it” if you got pregnant. That’s pretty unsavoury. Personally I’d prefer to raise a child alone than with a random guy I dated for a few weeks.

Groundhogday2025 · 27/04/2025 20:16

Congratulations OP. You sound financially and practically capable. Plenty of people raise healthy, happy, functioning humans on their own. And no dad at all is always better than a shit one- never forget that.
No- it won’t be easy at all and your career may take a hit (that’s not unique to single parenthood by any stretch!) but children are a blessing and something to be celebrated. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy, meaning it’s time to stop feeling guilty over something you are not solely responsible for. Cortisol is not good for the baby.

Pikablue · 27/04/2025 20:18

he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

Well you did, didn't you? Whilst he should have taken responsibility for contraception his end too if he didn't want a child, you weren't using any with a man you'd known for 2 month so you were basically actively trying to get pregnant your end. Of course you shouldn't have an abortion though unless it's something you want yourself.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 20:19

Groundhogday2025 · 27/04/2025 20:16

Congratulations OP. You sound financially and practically capable. Plenty of people raise healthy, happy, functioning humans on their own. And no dad at all is always better than a shit one- never forget that.
No- it won’t be easy at all and your career may take a hit (that’s not unique to single parenthood by any stretch!) but children are a blessing and something to be celebrated. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy, meaning it’s time to stop feeling guilty over something you are not solely responsible for. Cortisol is not good for the baby.

Except she may well just be stuck with a ‘shit dad’ anyway, too soon to see if he will be involved or not.

shiverm · 27/04/2025 20:23

Oh my, I’m surprised by all the vitriol on this thread? I’m in my late 30s, have been trying for a baby with my lovely partner for 4 years including two miscarriages spontaneous pregnancies and failed ivf. I wish with a passion I’d gotten accidentally pregnant in my late 20s. I’d say congratulations to you, only I’m sorry the baby’s father sounds like a creep. Hopefully it’s just a shitty kneejerk reaction from a man child living with his parents and he’ll support his child when it becomes a reality to him. My sister is a single parent (and works FT as a primary teacher). With family help, she lives a busy but very happy life. Her and daughter go on little holidays together and are best buds. Her daughter is an amazing kid beloved by the whole family. Best of luck :)

Groundhogday2025 · 27/04/2025 20:23

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 20:19

Except she may well just be stuck with a ‘shit dad’ anyway, too soon to see if he will be involved or not.

Show quote history

I dunno. She could probably ghost him right now and I doubt he’d be banging down the door. No need to be stuck with him yet.

Praying4Peace · 27/04/2025 20:30

You didn't use contraception? I can see why he feels that you trapped him. Very selfish on your part. Pregnant after being together for such a short time.
Probably best if you admit to yourself that you wanted to become pregnant

Praying4Peace · 27/04/2025 20:32

shiverm · 27/04/2025 20:23

Oh my, I’m surprised by all the vitriol on this thread? I’m in my late 30s, have been trying for a baby with my lovely partner for 4 years including two miscarriages spontaneous pregnancies and failed ivf. I wish with a passion I’d gotten accidentally pregnant in my late 20s. I’d say congratulations to you, only I’m sorry the baby’s father sounds like a creep. Hopefully it’s just a shitty kneejerk reaction from a man child living with his parents and he’ll support his child when it becomes a reality to him. My sister is a single parent (and works FT as a primary teacher). With family help, she lives a busy but very happy life. Her and daughter go on little holidays together and are best buds. Her daughter is an amazing kid beloved by the whole family. Best of luck :)

Very unfair comment re the man. What man would want to become a father with a baby born to a woman he has known only afew weeks.
Deceitful on part of OP

Anjcat7 · 27/04/2025 20:36

It’s 100% your choice but accept you are definitely doing it on your own.
But if you had sex without contraception then I think deep down you did want to get pregnant but that is no way to start a long term relationship without any discussion.

Arancia · 27/04/2025 20:38

Why are adults in 2025 still doing stupid things like having unprotected sex with virtual strangers, then get surprised when a pregnancy occurs? Poor kids who are a result of this kind of mess, and end up missing out on a proper, loving nuclear family set-up. All because their idiot parents decided to be dumb for the sake of 10 minutes' bedroom fun.

Your...whatever he is to you, has no say in this. He decided to take a massive risk by not wrapping it up, now he's going to be a dad whether he likes it or not.

shiverm · 27/04/2025 20:54

@Praying4Peace in what way has op deceived him? In what way has the man accepted responsibility for his actions?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2025 22:31

Praying4Peace · 27/04/2025 20:30

You didn't use contraception? I can see why he feels that you trapped him. Very selfish on your part. Pregnant after being together for such a short time.
Probably best if you admit to yourself that you wanted to become pregnant

He knew she wasn’t. No trapping required.

Men who assume women will use abortion as contraception when they don’t use contraception as contraception are idiots. I wouldn’t choose an idiot for the father of my child but there we go.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 22:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2025 22:31

He knew she wasn’t. No trapping required.

Men who assume women will use abortion as contraception when they don’t use contraception as contraception are idiots. I wouldn’t choose an idiot for the father of my child but there we go.

Show quote history

They sound well matched on the idiot scale to be fair

Bigearringsbigsmile · 27/04/2025 22:34

Why on earth were you having unprotected sexxwith someone you've known for 2 months? You were actively trying to get pregnant!

The poor baby! Whst kind of start is this?