Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

[BM1987]

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

So a complete stranger approached you when you were out with your partner and told you he had raped her and she was not the first victim (presumably after recognising him?)

You need to know if you are living with a rapist, OP. You can’t shove it under the carpet!

You could do a Clare's law request to find out if any previous girlfriends have reported anything about him.

But I think you have to ask him about this. He will probably say she's lying, but I expect the conversation will give you a lot of information to consider.

Only you know if you believe the word of a random woman over your partner or if you have reason to believe it could be true but I would certainly tell him about it.

I would log it online with the police in case anything happens with you in the future. She thinks no one else has reported it but that is the ones she knows about. There could be several other reports but the police won’t interview him etc if the victims aren’t supporting an investigation. Yes she could be a nut job but I would assume she has been attacked by him. It’s very, very common.

I would also do a Claire’s law disclosure in relation to him to see what has been reported and make my decision based on that. I wouldn’t bother asking him about it.

I was going to ask for a Claire’s Law disclosure too.

Its worse its someone we know. A friends partner.

How do you do Clares Law.

I believe her. She has no reason to lie.

Its just is he a changed man now or do they never change?

Why risk it?

Dont tell him anything but use another reason to end it. Stay safe.

How awful. Find out his side but I wouldn't be surprised if it was both true and there was no record of it by the police. There are several men that assaulted and raped me when I was younger, just walking about living their lives. I never bothered reporting anything. They just get away with it don't they? For me, the price of reporting it was too high and no payoff.

Why speak to him? You risk making him angry. He’s only going to deny it. Say it’s not working for you and be done with him.

Honestly, if you believe her does it matter if he’s changed or not?!
I could never be with a rapist, even if he’s “changed”.

Contact your local police on their non-energy number. Some Police Forces will have the option to contact them via email or text too

There's no point asking him. If he's innocent he'll deny it. If he's guilty he'll still deny it.

There are two things you can do.

One, as suggested by PP, request information under Clare's Law in case someone had made a complaint https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

Two,, think about his attitude to consent and his sexual behaviour with you.

Brave lady by the way. She looked out for you , she risked being ostracised. She’s a good one.

Okay well if it's true I don't see how you can trust him again.

If you believe her , then this relationship is dead. This is not a youthful indiscretion/stupidity and something you grow out of , or change. Can you even be in the same room as him, laughing, talking about mundane things, nevermind intimacy, knowing what he did?

They have kids together, it’s not that simple.

Very brave of that woman to tell you imo. He will deny it regardless, ime men accused of these types of crimes often don't recognise that they've even committed a crime.
Not sure what to advise you OP. Has he ever been violent or aggressive towards you?

If you genuinely believe he did it then why are you on here on a Sunday morning asking strangers if rapists can change, and whether you should brush it under the carpet?

Is this is a wind up? If so it’s pretty sick.

What a horrible situation to be in.

As other people have mentioned, do a Clare's Law disclosure request https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

If you believe her I think the most important thing is to make sure that you and your kids are safe and to leave this man.

If this woman is someone you know can you do a bit of investigating with others to find out whether she has any history of making false allegations and/or being unstable? I tend to always want to believe the victims in these cases but it is also worth making sure she is not the local trouble maker...

If you've automatically gone to " it's true" then you obviously have good reason for that. I don't think a person capable of rape can change and become a good person. You need to prioritise your safety and leave. I could never get past this.

Presumably because she's found herself in a very distressing situation and is trying to process it.

Agree

I had my skirt lifted and was groped in a public place by several strangers—they swarmed in. I never reported it—it was before mobile phones, and I had no idea who the hell they were. I definitely do believe women, even if they didn’t report it to the police. The main disappointment here is that nobody told you until 5 years in. This would piss me off.

If you believe it then you have to break up with him as soon as possible.
I do wonder WHY you find it so easy to believe though, is there something that makes you think its true?