Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

[BM1987]

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

My friend found out a new partner had been accused of rape by his ex partner. She's leaving him. No children though.

I don’t think there’s any point asking your DP yet. Whether it’s true or not, you’ll get a story about her being crazy & making it up for revenge.

You could say you bumped into friend’s partner last night, she seemed nice & invited you to meet her for a coffee next week. See what he says…

I think as others have said, his behaviour towards you must give you some idea about whether or not it could be true.

If you believe her then that's all you need to know. Your partner is a rapist. It must be an awful shock but I don't see how you could stay with him knowing that.

We have to stand with and believe women. It's all we've got in a patriarchal society which doesn't deal with male violence against women.

It's not as simple as that. There are also women who make false accusations. Women who have notes on their social workers systems that they must be visited in pairs due to their propensity to make false accusations. If there is no evidence then a case can't go to court , its not a case of the police being useless or it being a patriarchal society. If a woman accuses your son of rape I'd like to see if you'll be standing by this woman with such ease. I'm not doubting what this woman said btw, OP has reason to believe her, all I'm saying is that it's a bit more complicated than virtue signalling and saying that women must stand with other women in a patriarchal society.

I would message the woman who told you and ask if she wouldn't mind meeting up with you and telling you a bit more, she may not want to though but it would be useful for you to know.

Claire's law is a good shout but as pp have said if it hasn't been reported then nothing will show up.

I personally wouldn't confront him, it won't give you any clarity because he will deny all knowledge.

How old is his sister compared to him?

How the fuck would someone know he'd had sex with his sister. I doubt thats the sort of info him and his sister would share with people if they had. That ludicrous comment would make me have a bit of doubt about this whole thing to be honest.

I would say nothing to your partner yet.
I would check under Clare’s Law.
This woman is the partner of a friend of your partner.
Has she told her own partner ?
Does he know ?
Does your circle of friends know and believe it to be true ?
What kind of drama in his family?
Is he in contact with them ?
How is his relationship with his sister ?

It’s a lot to process @BM1987.

I’m going to go against the grain. For me this has the whiff of an eastenders style plot. Strange woman comes up to someone in a bar and says that man raped her five years ago but it’s ok she’s over it now, as are all the other women he raped and who never said a word. Oh and btw he’s shagged his sister as well.

I mean come on. The shagging his sister part turns the whole thing into something that isn’t remotely plausible.

I would bet money that she was drunk. And no. Don’t believe that a woman should automatically be believed. yes in many cases absolutely. But in a case like this? No I wouldn’t believe her.

If the OP sees red flags in the relationship then she may have other reasons to rethink, but I wouldn’t do so off the back of some random stranger in a pub claiming he’s shagging his sister.

Am wondering whether 'drama' is code for 'mugshot regularly features on Crimewatch'.

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me and I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born. He never done anything since to me similer.

So many questions to ask. All are relevant.

Also, how is your DH with alcohol?
Does he abuse alcohol?
Would they all have been drunk as skunks?

Was this woman drunk when she told you?
You need honest answers to the right questions.

Go away your sick accusing me of a fake post

wtaf!
@BM1987 op you have to say nothing to him and get your head together. .
If start with a Claire’s law request. .
Id also speak to the female again in private maybe you can both report to the police together.
What are your home arrangements and your financial situation?
If he is charged and you are on a rental can you keep the rental on as he won’t be allowed to return .

You are loving with a serial rapist.
He hasn’t changed and he never will .

Well if this is the case, you need to leave. He is a rapist and he hasn't changed. Do you have family support or good friends who can help and support you? For your children and yourself you need to get away from him.

@BM1987 so has raped you. He’s raped other women.

next steps - I wouldn’t approach him.

Id look at support options both personal and professional and a plan to get him out of your home/life.

Even if it turns out to be true? Your bar is so low it’s buried! 🤦‍♀️

He raped you and you are questioning whether he could also have done that to a stranger? ‘Em, yeah!

So you know the rumours are likely true. Whether the part about the sister is true, the rest of it is so you have to decide whether to stick with someone who has raped you and very likely done the same to other women.

So he's raped you as well Op? I'm so sorry, what a disgusting man. You've got everything you need to just leave him and protect yourself and DC.

This also confused me. Her husband is very good friends with DP. And why not tell me sooner. Why now!

Hells teeth! That is some update OP. You have to leave him. You have to and I would speak to the others and see if you can get a conviction.

Sorry you are experiencing this.

Bloody hell op - I hope you are okay? Look you do need to be worried, especially if you have daughters. Ask him to move out for a few days or move to family. This is not the man you want to be around you and your children.

Men like this will never change. Tell someone you are close to - this is all too much to deal with yourself and please don't feel ashamed or worried. You have done nothing wrong.

I'm so sorry, OP. So you already knew that he was a rapist, and this has just confirmed that he has done it to other women as well.

The question is, are you going to carry on living with a serial rapist?

For ^