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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

234 replies

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 09:28

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
tortieCatLover · 27/04/2025 11:14

Given the update - I missed - you need to leave you know he's a rapist.

Not sure how yoy protect your DS with such an influence in their lives - but I don't think you can stay at all - it's not safe for you.

MummaMummaMumma · 27/04/2025 11:15

He's not a changed man though is he, as he has also raped you.
This should be reported to the police, however long ago it was.
Why are you still with someone who has raped you?

TiredCatLady · 27/04/2025 11:16

JFC OP - he raped you while you were pregnant and you’re questioning whether you should meet up with this woman to ask more about what happened to her, do a Claire’s Law and whether it’s all in the past and you can put it behind you?

You don’t need a Claire’s Law disclosure. You need to go to the police and leave the rapist.

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/04/2025 11:16

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 11:05

Aside from this, how is he as a partner and father?

Show quote history

You mean aside from raping the OP and at least one woman she knows? Yes, OP, does he do the dishes? That's what matters!

tortieCatLover · 27/04/2025 11:16

I have my mum but its not simple to leave. I would have to save money first

My advice talk to your Mum so you have RL support and start making a plan to leave.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/04/2025 11:17

OP, you have sons.

Please think about the influences that you want in their lives as they grow up. Are you OK with them getting their values and attitudes towards women from a serial rapist?

You, and they, deserve better than this horrible man. Please get away as soon as you can.

foxlover47 · 27/04/2025 11:17

Let’s not be mean to the OP , she’s also a victim of rape from this man , and is trying to process what to do.
could you tell your mum , if this happened to my eldest I don’t care about her having money or no money why I would want her and her kids with me so I know they’re safe.
don’t let him know anything , you need to keep you and your children safe then contact the women’s aid nearest to you for advice to move forward.
be strong op and keep as safe as you can to get away from this evil man

Giggorata · 27/04/2025 11:18

So you know already that he is a rapist. He raped a pregnant woman, you.

Other allegations that are coming up are corroboration that it wasn't a one off, carried away by passion, or whatever bullshit he frames it as.
He has form and hasn't changed (if rapists ever change, which I doubt)

I am sorry to read this OP, you must be feeling so devastated and alone.
I hope you will continue to gain support from the wise women on this thread while you decide what to do. (apart from the obvious man apologists)

I do wonder why this woman chose now to reveal things to you (I mention this because without being sure of her motivation, you might be better not to see her as a source of support)

I get that it might not be possible to just up and leave with no money, no accommodation and children to consider, but please be careful about interaction with him, if you need to stay for the time being and make long term plans.
Leaving is always a dangerous time.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 11:18

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/04/2025 11:16

You mean aside from raping the OP and at least one woman she knows? Yes, OP, does he do the dishes? That's what matters!

Show quote history

Anyone on this forum can ask any questions that they like!?!?!

It doesn’t matter whether YOU think they are suitable or not !!!

butterpuffed · 27/04/2025 11:20

If your DP's friend's partner knew about the sister , she must have been told by the partner so it's common knowledge, as the family obviously know too .

I'm not sure if that's true , but the other information she gave you, re other women, plus your own experience , can't just be left . You need to find out more from the partner of DP's friend.

CautiousLurker01 · 27/04/2025 11:24

Title is a bit misleading. You’ve been told, and believe, that your DP raped a woman and that she may not be the only one? I do wonder why this woman, who you know, waited until 5 years into your relationship to tell you but perhaps she hasn’t really been able to move on or has started therapy recently.

Either way, I agree you need to do a Clare’s law enquiry and you need to think about whether, given you believe this woman, you should remain with him. For reference, I absolutely would not believe a woman who accused my partner of many years of such a vile act, so the fact that you do raises questions as to whether - really, in your heart of hearts - you do trust him and feel him to be a good person.

NeedyExpert · 27/04/2025 11:24

He has r*ped you whilst you were pregnant....he is a scumbag that wont change...so why would you even need to find out this information?....it's pretty obvious OP leave him! Feel like you're looking for excuses to stay with him. There are good men out there...you don't need him.

IslandsAround · 27/04/2025 11:24

Hello @BM1987

I am sorry you were raped by your partner and that he has done this to multiple women.

He hasn’t changed because he raped her and you believe her because he raped you while pregnant.

You need to start planning to leave to protect yourself. You also need to protect your sons as long exposure to a rapist will warp their view and treatment of women.

There are lots of domestic abuse resources on here and I’d recommend calling Women’s Aid. You need to keep yourself safe and remove yourself as soon as possible.

Staying will harm your children and limit your own life. Please don’t think it’s the better option.

Best wishes.

Tubs11 · 27/04/2025 11:26

He forced himself on you while you were pregnant? That in itself is more than you need to make a decision, especially for the safety of your children and yourself!

Bowies · 27/04/2025 11:30

Don’t approach him on the subject at all as it will potentially put you and the other women at risk of further harm.

I’m sorry this also happened to you and likely why you know she was telling the truth about him being a rapist.

You could report what happened to you and or ask the police about any reports, but unfortunately a lot of women are too scared to report thinking it might only be them and knowing the justice system works poorly.

Shelby2010 · 27/04/2025 11:33

It seems you’ve already answered your own questions. Your DP is a rapist and hasn’t changed, I suspect that the only reason he hasn’t raped you again is because you haven’t said No to him again.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, please start planning an exit strategy. Time enough to decide whether you want to go to the police once you are safely away.

CuriousKangaroo · 27/04/2025 11:33

OP, you believe her because he also raped you. It doesn’t matter if he has “changed” you should not be with a rapist.

The advice about doing a Claire’s Law application is pointless - if no one ever reported him to the police they will hold no information so it will come back clear. That does NOT mean he is innocent. You know he isn’t because of what he did to you.

I think better advice is to do the Freedom Programme. I bet there is more about his behaviour that you are minimising as a coping mechanism. The Freedom Programme will help you recognise that and break free.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. He is an absolute bastard and a criminal and none of this is your fault. Best of luck.

Rhdyghdh · 27/04/2025 11:34

Daisy12Maisie · 27/04/2025 09:36

I would log it online with the police in case anything happens with you in the future. She thinks no one else has reported it but that is the ones she knows about. There could be several other reports but the police won’t interview him etc if the victims aren’t supporting an investigation. Yes she could be a nut job but I would assume she has been attacked by him. It’s very, very common.

I would also do a Claire’s law disclosure in relation to him to see what has been reported and make my decision based on that. I wouldn’t bother asking him about it.

This. Do some calm and legal digging and then decide once you have more information. Don’t risk him exploding or covering his tracks.
Try to find the truth.
i read your update that he raped you when pregnant. I hope you can get help and leave. You don’t want your boys growing up with his morals as an example.
Make a plan to leave safely with support, if the truth is worse than you already know.

ACR7 · 27/04/2025 11:34

How awful. Reading your update about what he did to you I would really give some thought to reporting him to the police. If you just separate from him you won’t be able to put restrictions on him seeing the children but if you make the report then you would have grounds to safeguard them and keep him away as he really doesn’t sound like someone to have your children around.

category12 · 27/04/2025 11:35

Make sure you're on foolproof contraception while you decide your next steps.

You really don't want to be in a situation of having a little girl to worry about, whether he's present in the home or if you split. (I hope you find the strength to end the relationship.)

I think you should speak to Rape Crisis and get some support.

You could also consider reporting the rape.

mommatoone · 27/04/2025 11:35

Sorry if I have misread or if this has been asked - where was your DP when this woman approached you? We're you out with him?. Is there a chance he knows what she said.

commonsense61 · 27/04/2025 11:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JustMyView13 · 27/04/2025 11:40

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 10:58

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me and I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born. He never done anything since to me similer.

Show quote history

This comment tells me you know the accusations are true.
I don’t think it’s safe for you to approach it with him directly. I also don’t think this is a sustainable long term relationship for you. I know that’s easy for someone on MN to say, but that’s 4 times he’s been violent that you know of. Do you have family you can speak to, or better still can you go for coffee with this person that told you. Clearly they have confided in you for a reason.

YesterdaywasTuesday · 27/04/2025 11:42

You don't know if what she said was true - the point about incest is very extreme, and if it was the case, how would she know? This could be one of the very rare cases where the woman is making it up.

I think you need to talk to your DP, put a Claire's law request in, and if you're close to any of the other women in the group, ask her about the woman who made the allegations.

I wouldn't explode my life right away based on something someone said in a pub.

nessiesnotreal · 27/04/2025 11:42

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 09:52

If you believe it then you have to break up with him as soon as possible.
I do wonder WHY you find it so easy to believe though, is there something that makes you think its true?

This^

You say you believe her so there must be a reason that you believe some random stranger over your own partner.

If this happened to me I would be absolutely adamant that it was a lie because I know and trust my DH and I know its something he would never do. But I would of course, take it to him and we would talk it through. If at that point I had any doubts about the man I married we would be well and truly over. No way am I staying married to a rapist!! But I wouldn't just automatically believe it. The fact that you do tells me there is a reason that you believe her.