Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

[BM1987]

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

This. He sounds violent. No inclination in all the time you've been with him of any violence whatsoever?

OP has said he has also raped her.

So you know what he is like. I don’t see why you need confirmation from any other woman or from the police. What he did to you tells you all you need to know. It doesn’t matter than he hasn’t done it since. Once is enough.

Just seen your post, so you believe her because he raped you too OP. I think you need to leave, no ifs no buts , and if you feel strong enough report to the police.

He raped you so stands to reason her raped her and others.
Very understandable that you are struggling to fix the words 'my partner, my child's father, is a sexual predator and a rapist', but you know he is. You need professional help in coming to terms with what he has done to you and in getting away from him

Why? What's the point? He raped you, they all you really need to know. Why would her rape matter more? Why put her through a grilling?

You don't need her to prove anything to you because he has done it to you too.

Have you both read all of the OPs posts?
He raped her when she was pregnant.
She has EVERY reason to believe this poor woman. The OP is a victim herself.

OP no rapists don’t change. Please leave him and please report it to the police. You don’t even have to pursue a conviction but it will show up in future if any other partners do a Clare’s law request.

So you do KNOW he's a rapist.

It's genuinely sad that you have still come here, after knowing what he is capable of and hearing he has done it to other women, asking if he 'can change'.

You are raising kids with a rapist.

You need to let that sink in, get a backbone and get yourself and your kids as far away from this 'man' as possible.

People now know that you know and will absolutely judge you for staying with him. Even worse, you will internally judge yourself.

HE RAPED YOU WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT!! Do you see how bad this is, OP? Because WE all see it very clearly!

I'm sorry if I'm being forceful, but you need shaking out of the thick fog of denial you've been living in for seemingly years.

He will not change. He is what he is. He should be in prison.

The pay off would have been that in future other women would have been able to see your accusations when they do Clare's law checks.

Dear Lord? Why on earth do you need Clare's Law. You know for a fact that he is a rapist. He raped you! While you were pregnant!

It sounds like it is not too late for you to contact the police about your own rape.

Of course the other woman is also telling the truth.

If not for your own benefit, for your children, you should leave.

And please, don't have any more children with a serial rapist. That is what he is.

So 'had sex with his sister' could mean 'raped his sister' - which would explain his family being 'very full of drama'.

When he raped you, was it your first or subsequent pregnancy? It's a huge thing to bury and continue as before. No wonder this revelation has stopped you in your tracks.

I think you know what the truth is. Can you talk to someone in real life, or contact one of the women's support services?

The first. And then we agreed to move on and really try to make a good relationship. Its has been ok no real drama or fall outs. Another child.

Then this

Well then I think you have a good reason to believe this woman, don't you?

I'm so sorry.

I would question what has happened to you in the past that you have stayed with a man who raped you And then went on to have another child with him

I am good friends with her partner. He has never mentioned anything to me about him like this. But she said he is aware of what he did to her. Yet DP and her partner are close friends from childhood!

This is what i dont understand.

I wouldnt see her as a source of support at this point. Her story adds up but the behaviour around it doesnt.

Her and my DP were talking normal as though they are friends etc. Its a head fuck

You believe her.

So you can’t stay with him whatever.

You could go to the Police yourself, & ask the woman who told you this to do the same. That way it won’t just be your or her word against his. This often happens, CPS wont take a case to court unless there’s a 60% chance of conviction. Also people for whatever reason don’t report these things, although the person who raped them has more than likely done it before. The longer time goes on the angrier a person can get, knowing that the rapist’s got away with it. Ring Women’s Aid, they’ll support you every step of the way. Good Luck OP!

Sterilised 🙏🏻

I have a had a bad few years. Very stressful and intense work role. Not had chance to process my home life. I have my own company.

I also have anxiety and othe MH problems which i think has damged my relationships with men because well you know the script

I'd want to understand

How come the friend's partner didn't say anything for the 5 years of your relationship and after you'd had children together, Talk about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

and

If the friend's partner knew, what about the friend, what did they know as your friend? They've not covered themselves in glory withholding that sort of information from you. They could have warned you much sooner and prevented you from having made a commitment to have children by a rapist.

I am very concerned about the safety of the children living in that household.

Definitely do a Clare's Law - but of course this only shows things that have been reported to the police and lots of times things like this do go unreported. If she says she isn't the only one then perhaps others have logged it.

I heard something about my ex, what I got told didn't come up but I was shocked what did.. so if he is that type of person they might have already have other stuff on him even of a similar nature.

The thing is, rape isn't an annoying domestic habit you can just put your foot down about and carry on as before, as if it were leaving the toilet seat up, or drinking milk straight from the bottle.

Rape is a fundamental violation and a criminal offense.

That he hasn't raped you since, including in later pregnancies, makes me slightly more reassured about your immediate safety, however there are still no ongoing guarantees. You are at risk.

I suspect other boundaries in your relationship are very skewed and you just don't realise.

Also - he may be getting his rapey kicks outside the home.

Is he really a suitable father for any children, whether boys or girls?

He raped you when you were pregnant with your first child and you stayed with him and went on to have a second child with him. Surely that’s even more confusing than the fact that he raped her and she has stayed friends with him? From your own experience you must understand it is possible to minimise what happened after being sexually assaulted, to convince yourself it wasn’t that bad or that it was your fault or that he didn’t mean it and to then push it out of your mind for a long time and try to forget about it. It sounds like that’s what you did and you haven’t thought about it until she’s brought it up, I expect that’s what she’s done and maybe she’s only thinking of this now because another friend said he did it to her too.

Hes done this to four women, including you. I don’t believe rapists can change and certainly not serial rapists. If he thought what he did was wrong he wouldn’t have done it more than once, He’s probably minimised and justified his own behaviour and doesn’t even think he’s done anything wrong so it will just be a matter of time before he rapes again.

I’m sorry this happened to you, I hope you find the strength to leave him and that yourself and the other woman find the strength between you to report him so that he hopefully doesn’t get an opportunity to do this to any other women in the future.

You must admit that it was an outrageous question to ask about a rapist?