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Original poster

Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

234 replies

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 09:28

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 09:53

Coolasfeck · 27/04/2025 09:48

If you genuinely believe he did it then why are you on here on a Sunday morning asking strangers if rapists can change, and whether you should brush it under the carpet?

Is this is a wind up? If so it’s pretty sick.

Because after 5 years and kids it’s hard to just up and leave , nevermind she’s still processing all this awful information and what it all means .

meevee · 27/04/2025 09:53

Defo do the Claire's Law thing but i'm confused by the fact the friendship group are still friends. Would you be friends with someone who slept with their sibling?! or raped another member of the friendship group. And why tell after 5 yrs?

TheAmusedQuail · 27/04/2025 09:56

I have a friend whose ex has been accused of rape by several women. It started coming out because one of the women went to the police. Who were typically useless and did nothing. Didn't make it to court. But others have since talked about their experiences with him.

My friend won't accept he's a rapist, because she's still friends with him, and it didn't happen to her.

We have to stand with and believe women. It's all we've got in a patriarchal society which doesn't deal with male violence against women.

CowTown · 27/04/2025 09:57

TheAmusedQuail · 27/04/2025 09:56

I have a friend whose ex has been accused of rape by several women. It started coming out because one of the women went to the police. Who were typically useless and did nothing. Didn't make it to court. But others have since talked about their experiences with him.

My friend won't accept he's a rapist, because she's still friends with him, and it didn't happen to her.

We have to stand with and believe women. It's all we've got in a patriarchal society which doesn't deal with male violence against women.

This

toomuchfaff · 27/04/2025 09:59

Don't ask him. He will either lie or be dumbfounded and both of those present as the same answer. Don't ask him.

You say this woman is a friends partner? Can you contact her again, find out more detail of the other women it happened too? Hear their stories? Do the Claires law request.

Say nothing to him.

Coconutter24 · 27/04/2025 10:08

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 09:41

How do you do Clares Law.

I believe her. She has no reason to lie.

Its just is he a changed man now or do they never change?

that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police.

if no one’s reported anything would it be on Claire’s law?

If you already believe her you don’t trust your DH wouldn’t do it, reason for going lack of trust. I’d personally ask him about it

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2025 10:27

There’s got to be more context to this. You’ve been with this man for five years and chosen to have children, plural, with him. You’ve never had any reason until now to suspect anything bad of him, until suddenly a friend’s partner chooses to make an allegation, out of the blue in the middle of the pub or wherever, along with telling you that everyone thinks he’s also had sex with his sister, and you completely believe everything she’s saying whilst also asking whether you should just keep it “locked up in his past”?

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/04/2025 10:27

I'd mention it to him you need open and honesty as this will play in your mind. If he's been OK with u for 5 years I'd go on how he treats you and your kids.

Genegeniehunt · 27/04/2025 10:29

A changed man??? Dear lord even if he did it just the once to one lady hes a vile rapist forever.

TranceNation · 27/04/2025 10:31

Have their been any red flags with this sort of conduct with your experience with him?

Branleuse · 27/04/2025 10:32

Dont alert him. Dig a bit. The thing with his sister is important as i think it will make a huge difference to whether he could have access to the children.

I dont think it matters whether he's a changed man or not, because you have been kept in the dark for years. He can't just erase the past

LucyMonth · 27/04/2025 10:34

No a man accused of raping 4 women doesn’t change.

& even if he did there are literally billions of men in the world. You can find one that isn’t a serial rapist to share your life with.

pinkdelight · 27/04/2025 10:35

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 09:52

If you believe it then you have to break up with him as soon as possible.
I do wonder WHY you find it so easy to believe though, is there something that makes you think its true?

I think the default position now should be to believe a woman who has no reason to lie. It shouldn't make a difference if the man is an angel who's never given the OP a moment of doubt really.

Butchyrestingface · 27/04/2025 10:36

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 09:41

How do you do Clares Law.

I believe her. She has no reason to lie.

Its just is he a changed man now or do they never change?

Changed from WHAT?

Potentially raping multiple women and maybe having sex with his sister?

Probably not a changed man now, no.

Phoebepeeby · 27/04/2025 10:37

A changed man! why didn’t he change after the 1st time or the 2nd time, even the 3rd time?

Do you have daughters?

Coolasfeck · 27/04/2025 10:38

TranceNation · 27/04/2025 10:31

Have their been any red flags with this sort of conduct with your experience with him?

The fact she immediately believed all of the allegations of rape including of his own sister tells me there were more red flags waving than at the Chinese state circus.

Notice she shacked up and had kids with him very early on in the relationship. I feel OP overlooked a lot of terrible things in order to have a family set up with this man. This is why she belies the allegations and why even now she’s doubting whether she should leave him because he ‘can change’.

StScholastica · 27/04/2025 10:40

How awful.
The accuser wants to really hurt him doesn't she!
There's a reason for that.
You have a lot of questions to ask.
Has he ever hurt you? Or tried to co erce you
Has he ever made you feel unsafe or uneasy?
What is his relationship with his sister like?
What is his general attitude to women ?
Does he hold misogynistic views?

Bear in mind that if he is unknown to Claire's law it only means that he has never been reported/cautioned, it doesn't mean that it never happened.
So many women can't find the strength to report someone. I didn't report the man who raped me (at knifepoint) and it is something that I feel guilty about as he could do it again.

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 10:41

pinkdelight · 27/04/2025 10:35

I think the default position now should be to believe a woman who has no reason to lie. It shouldn't make a difference if the man is an angel who's never given the OP a moment of doubt really.

Show quote history

I do agree that believing the woman should certainly be the default position but Op does not seem to have any doubts at all which does make me wonder why that is.

Amateurs10 · 27/04/2025 10:41

Don't tell him anything.
Go to the police and enquire.
He sounds awful and dangerous.
Have you family and friends to lean on?

Phoebepeeby · 27/04/2025 10:41

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/04/2025 10:27

I'd mention it to him you need open and honesty as this will play in your mind. If he's been OK with u for 5 years I'd go on how he treats you and your kids.

I would do the opposite of this.

I wouldn’t approach him. I would gather all information, speak to the victim again if she’s willing. Do a Clare’s law. Do some digging.

Being ok with you and your children for 5 years after allegedly raping multiple women and sleeping with his sister isn’t an indicator of a good man/husband/father.

What’s the drama in the family? Are they all at it?

TwistedWonder · 27/04/2025 10:42

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 09:41

How do you do Clares Law.

I believe her. She has no reason to lie.

Its just is he a changed man now or do they never change?

If you believe her it’s irrelevant if he’s a ‘changed man’ - he’s a violent sexual offender who has got away with his crimes.
Would you stay with a murderer if he seemed like he’d changed?

anyolddinosaur · 27/04/2025 10:43
  1. Clare's law request, but if no-one has reported nothing will show up.
  2. Look back over his behaviour towards you. Has he pressurised you when you were unwilling? If not why do you believe her?
  3. Ask her who the other women were and if they will talk to you. If she doesnt want to give names tell her to ask them to contact you.
  4. Could you speak to the sister?

You have children to consider. I wouldnt immediately break up my family on the basis of one person's complaint unless I had some reason to believe her. In court I'd tend to believe a woman but I also know some women make things up for a variety of poor reasons. If it's multiple women or his sister I'd be out of there immediately.

I'd have to ask him about it once I'd got as much information as I could. If it isnt true he might have an idea why someone would tell you this. If he lies how he lies may tell you something.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/04/2025 10:43

If you believe her, I don't really see how your relationship can survive. Could you really live with someone who you believe to be a rapist.

I'm so sorry, OP. This must be very difficult for you, but I don't think you can just brush it under the carpet.

chachahide · 27/04/2025 10:44

99% of rapists don't get convicted. It is FAR FAR more likely it happened than a vexatious accusation, which are actually incredibly small compared to the instances of actual rape.

Has he displayed any signs of being controlling/lack of respect for women you've overlooked? In my experience a man can still be on best behaviour 5 years in.

For my friends the cracks started to show after.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 27/04/2025 10:44

I'm curious at what his family being into drama has to do with this woman telling you your partner is a rapist?

I can't make the connection?