Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

[BM1987]

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

Good idea. I will message her in the week and see if she will meet up

Sorry to hear this Kitsy. I get it. I've had things happen over the years, including my now ex H. I've never reported it either as i know nothing would happen and I couldn't do it to my children.

I'm not one for immediately believing something but I think with this post of yours that sadly you know the answer as to whether this woman is speaking the truth. I would ask to speak to her again and ask for details of other women or if she can pass your info on to them and ask them to contact you. Perhaps you could find strength together to either report together for the first time or add your report if others already have.

I dont believe he slept with his sister.

But i believe the girl didnt consent

Christ what an update! You need strong advice and protection. This is awful. I am so sorry for you and your children.

men like this are dangerous if you try to leave. Be smart. Keep your children close.

Does it now? 🙄
I'm really not getting that, I have to say.

Did he really sleep with his sister or did he rape her too is more a question .

Aside from this, how is he as a partner and father?

So he’s raped you as well so it’s not difficult to believe you’re not his first victim.

You can’t stay with this man and bring up children under the same roof of a serial rapist.

Please talk to someone and get your ducks in a row to leave this repulsive sex offender.

And that’s why you believed her straight away. Because he raped you too. Because he has form. Because he hasn’t changed, and I bet there are a lot more red flags in your relationship, even if not specifically rape.

Don’t say anything. Start making concrete, clear plans to leave. Do you have any friends or family you can lean on for support?

I have never posted before but I have no one else to turn to in RL to discuss this with

It will be her word against his. You seem to believe her, there must be a reason for that?

It really doesn’t - firstly that’s a disgusting allegation to make if untrue, secondly given OP’s update that he raped her too it makes it very likely, thirdly how could you even think someone would say such a thing.

Sounds like you should RTFT.

He forced himself on you - so you believe her and he hasnt changed. Start planning your exit.

He is ok. We earn equal so pay equal. He could be a better father but I think he will be better as they get older. They are clingy boys. I work long hours so we have a lot of mama hugs on a night

Why would that matter? He’s a serial rapist - nothing rise is relevant unless youth n it’s ok to start with a man who has raped you as long as he’s good with the kids and pays the bills

I agree.
Claires law.
Can you fabricate a reason to get away with your kids?
You can't stay. Hes a danger to you and maybe any female children you have?

I have my mum but its not simple to leave. I would have to save money first

That’s quite the drip feed there OP.

So you know that he’s a rapist, and yet you’re asking on here whether rapists can change and whether this woman should be believed?

TBH it doesn’t matter whether you believe her or not. You know that he’s a rapist because he raped you. So the rest from a believeability POV is irrelevant.

No female children

I put it down to me being emotional and pregnant and I felt I had over reacted. I haven't thought about it for a long time until last night

This.

I watched my parents belive ananonymous stranger phoning with alligations rather than my brother. My brother was no saint and was doing other bad things but those allegations weren't really credible but fitted with parents lack of trust in him- turns out the were complete nonsense obvious to me but caused a further breakdown in the relationship much to saintfaction of individual behind calls which came out much later.

We've had it with professionals usual MN why would they lie - no clue at time but asking questions when things didn't add up lead to proof of lies and consequences - once you find a lie it tends to lead to a lack of crediblity going forward.

For some reaons the OP has judged the friends parenter as more credible than her DP - and frankly that's not a sign of a good relationship and does suggest more is wrong.

Not sure confronting DP will do anything guilty or innocent he'lll deny but I think long term this relationship is really in trouble.

I'd believe what the woman said OP. He raped you too. Don't tell your DH that you know, it would be unsafe for you. I think you should start making plans to leave him.

I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born.

The first or the second child?