Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

234 replies

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 09:28

I have been with my partner for 5 years we have children together. It all happened really fast but we make the best of it. His family is very full of drama but it never involves DP so I just listen and move on. He is 40 - I am late 30s same as the women below.

Last night we were out and a women came up to me and told me that 20 years ago my DP forced himself on her pushed her head down and had sex with her. She then said it was rape but she has moved on now. And that he has been accused around 3 times but no one has take this to the police. I was obviously speechless. She then said there was a rumour he had sex with his sister! By this point I am processing alot.

I dont know whether to ask my DP about this or find out more information or just keep it locked up in his past.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Jumpingthruhoops · 27/04/2025 16:00

Bringmeahigherlove · 27/04/2025 09:47

They have kids together, it’s not that simple.

Show quote history

This! 👏👏

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 27/04/2025 16:02

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/04/2025 16:00

This! 👏👏

Edited
Show quote history

Read OP’s updates. It would appear that her DH raped her while she was pregnant.

IAMINYOURWALLS · 27/04/2025 16:02

Sorry OP but I could never look at him the same.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 27/04/2025 16:06

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 15:26

WTF?!?….I did, this is a forum where anyone can ask questions so you really need to understand this and calm down

Show quote history

And you need to understand that he raped OP while she was pregnant. What questions about him as a husband and father do you think are relevant to that ?

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/04/2025 16:08

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 27/04/2025 16:02

Read OP’s updates. It would appear that her DH raped her while she was pregnant.

Show quote history

Yes, I have since. Would have been beneficial to have that info in the OP...

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 16:17

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 27/04/2025 16:06

And you need to understand that he raped OP while she was pregnant. What questions about him as a husband and father do you think are relevant to that ?

Show quote history

Again….it’s a forum where anyone can ask whatever questions that they like

Trallers · 27/04/2025 16:20

He doesn't sound like a safe man to be around. That said, you aren't reacting to something that just happened to you so take your time to figure out your next steps, but be careful as he is obviously violent if capabale.of rape. Maybe speak to a charity like women's aid for some advice. I would also document the rape from when you were pregnant with as much detail as possible, and the information the friend gave you. Save in a draft email or document that he can't find.

BountifulPantry · 27/04/2025 16:20

can you afford some counselling OP? Seems like you might have a fair bit to work through here ans an impartial ear can really help.

Verydemure · 27/04/2025 16:22

Notsosure1 · 27/04/2025 15:51

She’s definitely brave. It would have been looking out for the OP if she’d told her before she’d had the rapists children though unless she’d never had any contact with her before. Telling her after has left OP in a really difficult position

Show quote history

the person leaving OP in a difficult position is her rapist partner.

it’s not the other woman’s job to stop it happening to anyone else. She didn’t need to say it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/04/2025 16:22

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 10:58

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me and I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born. He never done anything since to me similer.

Show quote history

So, he raped you previously. Of course he has raped before. Believe her and get some counselling for yourself as to why you would continue a relationship with someone who raped you.

Notsosure1 · 27/04/2025 16:24

Verydemure · 27/04/2025 16:22

the person leaving OP in a difficult position is her rapist partner.

it’s not the other woman’s job to stop it happening to anyone else. She didn’t need to say it.

Show quote history

Of course she didn’t. How is she looking out for her mentioning it now when she’s heavily tied to him though? I was referring to a PP, hence quoting

Stravaig · 27/04/2025 16:35

Please call Rape Crisis or similar, and reach for some real-life support if there is someone you can trust to support you and your children in a healthy way.

You say he has not been angry or violent with you since, but given he raped you, is it possible you have been appeasing him, going along with whatever he wants to avoid him hurting you again?

As a pp said, rapists don't like being challanged or told no. So plan and assess the risk of your next steps carefully. Call the police if you feel threatened at any time, or if you want to report what he did to you, or what was told to you by others.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 27/04/2025 16:38

MILLYmo0se · 27/04/2025 11:50

He raped you so stands to reason her raped her and others.
Very understandable that you are struggling to fix the words 'my partner, my child's father, is a sexual predator and a rapist', but you know he is. You need professional help in coming to terms with what he has done to you and in getting away from him

This 100%.

I would take care to never let him know that you know though. Unless you are prepared to blow it all up and try and get a conviction which will likely be near impossible due to lack of evidence, I would leave just because. Slide out of his life to a place of safety with good locks and breathe a sigh of relief that this person has put you straight.

I would bet my house that when he isn't with you, he is still at it but has become a lot more clever in hiding his ....nature.

TemporaryMeatSuit · 27/04/2025 16:47

I was rapped by a guy years ago and didn't report it. His best friend set us up and I knew I wouldn't have stood a chance against them both in court.

The fact that your DP is still friends with all these people including his alleged victim is raising major red flags.

I recently creeped on my rapists fb and see that he is now a 'family man' with two sons. It makes my skin crawl. I wonder how many other victims he has had over the years while being supported by his buds. They are all as bad as eachother in my eyes.

DyslexicPoster · 27/04/2025 17:02

Well done for doing the Claires law application. I wouldn't confrontational him until you hear back from it

TwistedWonder · 27/04/2025 17:02

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 16:17

Again….it’s a forum where anyone can ask whatever questions that they like

Show quote history

Read the room ffs. Your question is so inappropriate. Hes a rapist - what does it matter if he’s good with the kids and pays the bills?

Im sure Fred West loaded the dishwasher at times so let’s give him props eh

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 17:04

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 10:58

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me and I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born. He never done anything since to me similer.

Show quote history

OK, so you have proof that he is a rapist because he raped you. Therefore, it's very probably true that he raped the woman who spoke to you.

You need to speak to the police and keep him away from you and your children.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 17:06

TwistedWonder · 27/04/2025 17:02

Read the room ffs. Your question is so inappropriate. Hes a rapist - what does it matter if he’s good with the kids and pays the bills?

Im sure Fred West loaded the dishwasher at times so let’s give him props eh

Show quote history

Jesus Christ, calm down, it was merely a question, it wasn’t even posed to you and the OP actually answered my question quite a while ago

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 17:08

tortieCatLover · 27/04/2025 11:13

This.

I watched my parents belive ananonymous stranger phoning with alligations rather than my brother. My brother was no saint and was doing other bad things but those allegations weren't really credible but fitted with parents lack of trust in him- turns out the were complete nonsense obvious to me but caused a further breakdown in the relationship much to saintfaction of individual behind calls which came out much later.

We've had it with professionals usual MN why would they lie - no clue at time but asking questions when things didn't add up lead to proof of lies and consequences - once you find a lie it tends to lead to a lack of crediblity going forward.

For some reaons the OP has judged the friends parenter as more credible than her DP - and frankly that's not a sign of a good relationship and does suggest more is wrong.

Not sure confronting DP will do anything guilty or innocent he'lll deny but I think long term this relationship is really in trouble.

Show quote history

OP has said that her partner has raped her too so that's why she believes this anonymous stranger.

lifeonmars100 · 27/04/2025 17:11

I am so sorry that you have been given information that which is further evidence that your partner is a rapist , it must be very unsettling and distressing. You have been given a lot of good advice on here and I hope you can find support in the real world to help you navigate the next steps to help you get away from this man.

Maddy70 · 27/04/2025 17:32

Can you make arrangements. Take him off any joint accounts take valuable documents to your mum's. Birth certificates, exam results , photos, marriage certificate, passports etc
Then you need to contact the police .. explain about your own rape. Then explain what this friend has told you tell them everything including what was said about the sister You are frightened to go home . They will make arrangements for you to ensure you and your boys are safe. You need to start with your own rape first this will help then secure you somewhere safe to be.
I'm so sorry X

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/04/2025 17:40

KitsyWitsy · 27/04/2025 09:42

How awful. Find out his side but I wouldn't be surprised if it was both true and there was no record of it by the police. There are several men that assaulted and raped me when I was younger, just walking about living their lives. I never bothered reporting anything. They just get away with it don't they? For me, the price of reporting it was too high and no payoff.

Sorry this happened to you but how exactly were police supposed to do anything if they didn't even know about it??

toomuchfaff · 27/04/2025 18:16

BM1987 · 27/04/2025 10:58

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me and I didnt speak to him again until after our child was born. He never done anything since to me similer.

Show quote history

So a massive drip feed then.

Oh BTW he raped me when I were pregnant... SOMETHING you might want to include in the original post...

So yeah he probably did it.

Original poster
BM1987 · 27/04/2025 18:33

JustSawJohnny · 27/04/2025 15:35

I wouldnt see her as a source of support at this point. Her story adds up but the behaviour around it doesnt.

With respect, OP - he raped you and you stayed with him and had another child.

Do you really find it so unbelievable that another woman chose not to go to the Police and smoothed the whole thing over when you did the exact same thing?

You are literally saying you believe he raped her but you don't approve of her behaviour afterwards.

How would you feel if someone said the same to you?

Victim blaming is never ok.

How am I victim blaming? She has dealt with it in her own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
BM1987 · 27/04/2025 18:36

Notsosure1 · 27/04/2025 15:51

She’s definitely brave. It would have been looking out for the OP if she’d told her before she’d had the rapists children though unless she’d never had any contact with her before. Telling her after has left OP in a really difficult position

Show quote history

I knew her partner when I was pregnant I have only recently met her. She has been with current partner around 14 years

OP posts: