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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For agreeing to give my son a lift?

221 replies

Starcky · 27/04/2025 06:57

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

OP posts:
redbirdblackbird · 27/04/2025 06:59

in the kindest possible way, you’re being unreasonable. He is 27! Even if he can’t drive, he can get Ubers, a bus, walk! You need to let him be an adult

MiddleAgedDread · 27/04/2025 07:00

He’s a 27 adult but you’re treating him like a spoilt child. If he can go out with his mates what’s stopping him getting him there himself, or one of them picking him up? If he needs you to go him a lift then you need him to agree to making plans in advance e.g. by Thursday evening for the weekend, and if you’ve already got plans he needs to work around them and stick with them. You are not a taxi service!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/04/2025 07:00

YABU. DS is inconsiderate to give you such little notice and you are BU to always do this. Isn’t it time DS learned to travel independently?

FandyRenoli · 27/04/2025 07:02

Sorry but I agree with your DH. I don't think giving your DS lifts is unreasonable per se. But changing plans at the last minute to accommodate these requests is unreasonable, especially if it has a knock-on impact on other people.

If giving your son lifts is important to you and him, then you need to check whether he needs a lift before making arrangements with other people or ask him to say in advance that he needs a lift.

McSpoot · 27/04/2025 07:02

Not only do you drop everything for your son, you do it at the last minute. And then, even more last minute, when your son snaps his fingers and changes the time, everyone is expected to reorganize themselves again.

ClearHoldBuild · 27/04/2025 07:07

What would your DS do if you said no? He’s probably more capable than you give him credit for but you pander to him.

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 07:07

McSpoot · 27/04/2025 07:02

Not only do you drop everything for your son, you do it at the last minute. And then, even more last minute, when your son snaps his fingers and changes the time, everyone is expected to reorganize themselves again.

This, it's absolutely ridiculous.
If you're on your way somewhere and ds wants something NOW! do you abandon what you're doing and divert.
No wonder your dh is frustrated and annoyed.
It's enough your happy to be an instant free user, but so disrespectful and unfair that you expect everyone else to join in your pandering. What a hierarchy there must be in your life!

Agix · 27/04/2025 07:09

Bit surprised by the responses so far. An autistic persons needs don't stop when they become an adult. OPs son might not be able to get public transport/taxi/uber on his own or without someone familiar with him. I know I can't.

Is that the case OP? If it isn't actually the case, the last minute lifts are definitely unreasonable. Tell him no and tell him to sort out his own transport.

If it IS the case... I still think you need to sort something else out, because whilst your son may need these lifts to be able to socialise, it's very disruptive to your life.

Does your son need this extra support because of his autism? If so, looking into claiming PIP. He could possibly be entitled to some money that might mean he can afford to employ a carer once a week for help out to socialise.

If he can't get that, then you may have to put strict limits on the lifts. Only do it once every 2 weeks for example, and never last minute. This may upset him of course, and isn't ideal as it limits his socialising, but it may be the best you can do in the absence of any other support - you do need to find balance with your own life, even if your son really does need this help.

Your partner isn't being unreasonable really, either way. Whether YABU depends on your sons situation - does he need these lifts to have any chance of getting out, or could be actually sort himself out if left to it?

BallerinaRadio · 27/04/2025 07:09

They must unreasonable thing about your post is picking up your nephew to go to the seaside at 1pm my anxiety about how busy it would be and finding a parking space would be through the roof 😂😂

I think you know deep down you're being unreasonable and unfair to your partner though about the lifts

RedHelenB · 27/04/2025 07:10

Fair enough to pick him up if you want, but constantly messing other people about makes you unreasonable, particularly regarding your dh and nephew.
I think you need ro loosen the apron strings a bit, hes 27, able to go out with friends. He needs encouragement to make his own transport arrangements.

Londonrach1 · 27/04/2025 07:11

Yabu. He is 27. Can't believe you dropping plans to pick him up. Can see why your dh is upset. How would you feel if your dh did the same to you op....you've plans to do something and he rearranges so that he could pick his adult child up at short notice.

SquirrelRed · 27/04/2025 07:12

You're being massively disrespectful to your Dh, his family and anyone else it affects by expecting them to change plans at the last minute all the time. Give your son a lift by all means but put some rules in place and think about how it affects everyone, not just your son.

pictoosh · 27/04/2025 07:13

Is there a reason for not getting a bus/taxi himself?

LisaD1 · 27/04/2025 07:13

Your poor DH, that would drive me nuts. When is DH ever a priority?

Why are your DS plans always last minute? Can you work with him on making arrangements further in advance?

EmberAsh · 27/04/2025 07:14

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Look into travel training for your son. They are courses that help people use public transport independently.

Lurker85 · 27/04/2025 07:15

Your poor DH. I’d be fuming with you sorry.

Pricelessadvice · 27/04/2025 07:17

Spend some time showing your son how to use bus/train routes. Plenty of autistic people do this and if he is out with his friends, I’m guessing he’s not an extraordinarily high needs autistic person and can actually manage day to day stuff.
He’s 27 for crying out loud. Are you still going to be doing this when he’s 40? 50?
Your husband has every right to feel annoyed!

spanieleyes · 27/04/2025 07:18

My adult son is autistic. He has a professional job, lives independently and generally copes well. However, he still struggles with anxiety over new experiences and often needs help/reassurance the first few times he tries anything new. So, he is fine to catch a taxi to the hospital and back as we have done numerous trips by car ( he has medical issues) and he knows how to get there and where to go when he does but would struggle to catch a taxi to an unknown destination. He would be OK if we had been together a few times so he knows what to expect, but first times of anything are always an issue! He is also, as many autistic people are, very self- absorbed. He doesn’t always understand, or actually care about, the impact of what he does/wants on others, so he wouldn’t even think about the disruption his requests might cause ! He is learning, but it takes time and effort!

BendingSpoons · 27/04/2025 07:18

If you are free, then no problem. But to continually cancel on your DH is unfair. You need to come up with alternative solutions e.g. drop him early and he entertains himself, his dad calls him a taxi etc. Or work on him learning to use public transport. I get you want to encourage his friendships, but he shouldn't ruin all your plans.

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/04/2025 07:20

your comment about the 1pm pick up time not being good for your DS is telling. The 1pm pick up time wasn’t good for your nephew, your DH or you, but you whole focus was on DS and his needs. He seems to click his fingers and you jump.

if I were your DH I’d be beyond frustrated.

i get that autism is difficult but why is it he can’t travel independently himself or pay for lifts? How did you get in this situation?

JoyousEagle · 27/04/2025 07:22

YABU. It sounds like your son trumps everything, how would you react if your DH said “I know you were going to pick your son up at 12, but something I deem more important has come up and you will just have to tell him it needs to move to 2pm”. I imagine that wouldn’t go down well with you, but it’s exactly what you’re doing in reverse.
Does your son never get told “sorry, I can’t today, you’ve not given me enough notice and I have plans”?

Maybe you’ve not mentioned it because it’s not relevant, but do you just take your son, or do you then pick him up again as well? Or does he find his own way home? If so, why can’t he find his own way there?

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 07:25

How independent is your son as this is vital information to the scenario. Are they functioning at a level where you could help them arrange transport home (book a taxi in advance) or do they need an adult they know present with them. They live with dad, so I am not sure if that is through choice or because they are unable to live independently. Can dad not help arrange lifts in some way?

If your son wants you to give lifts then I think he needs to give you more notice. Telling you the night before is too late. If he meets weekly with a group of friends you may also need to be firm and tell him you can only do this twice a month for example so you have some weekends with your partner.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 27/04/2025 07:26

Gently yabu

Here's a few options from the top of my head

"We have plans - i can pick you up at 9am or 7pm"

"You can take the 307 bus"

"You need to get an uber"

"Here is the number of a mini cab company"

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 27/04/2025 07:28

One day you will die op. How will your son cope then if you haven’t taught him to be independent?
You’re not doing him any favours.

millymollymoomoo · 27/04/2025 07:29

it is possible for the ops son to be autistic and still him and op be unreasonable, which they are