For agreeing to give my son a lift?

[Starcky]

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

@Starcky it actually sounds like an ex husband issue. He is unable to drive and his isolated himself in the sticks and seems determined to keep his son trapped in the same way.
Supported living would be ideal for your son and being somewhere more central would help him socialise without relying on you so much.
What will happen when his dad dies? You need to get some help, through an advocate/social services about how to help your son move on with his life (and possibly what care you ex needs as I don't know whether he has a disability?).

I think you need to be doing the lion's share of the driving for your son, OP. It sounds as if you rely on your husband to do it quite routinely. I would be frustrated and annoyed if I were him.

The odd pick-up/drop-off, fine, but this is your son and he has two parents of his own to sort out stuff for him, teach him how to use public transport.

I would resolve this before the issue becomes a really bad-tempered line in the sand.

You certainly win a prize for the most disingenuous title for a thread ever. You are not just giving your son a lift, you are regularly giving your son lifts because on each occasion you are also picking him up again. So, in this instance, you are asking a 5 year old to spend up to 2 hours in a car before he gets to the beach, where he will have whatever time you can spare him before getting back in the car for possibly another 2 hours. Did your husband know this is what his life would be like when he married you? I'm guessing not or he wouldn't be in this situation now. It must be horrible for him, knowing he will always be lowest on your list of priorities. I would be interested to know why your son lives with his father and not you. It hardly sounds like a good thing for him if his father keeps him isolated for the majority of the time. If I was your husband, I would be leaving, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn't be missed.

Is his dad also autistic, OP? It would explain a fair bit of the situation, really. Your best bet is to work on DS and encourage his move into supported living.

I work with a significant number of young autistic men who have never been told "no" by their families or had to learn resilience, and my god they struggle when they come into an environment where their families are not there to protect them. It sounds like your DS can actually do a lot for himself, so now you just need to encourage him to do more.

Supported living sounds the best idea while you and your ex are both at a stage in life where you can help your ds adjust to the move.

Do you get on with your ex? Could you offer to take him to visit your son regularly if he's worriehe the move will mean he won't ever see him?

Aw now come on @Starcky that title is at best misleading. Not '..a lift.' You go on to describe a pattern which puts out your household reguarly.

Can your ds stay a weekend and you go through the steps of how he could move to a town centre?
His dad is an adult who can access services if he wants to change his own circumstances.

I feel sorry for your husband. No surprise he is feeling resentful.

This post is amazing.

I see so much of what you’ve written in my ds who's 20 and autistic.

Sometimes the doing is so stressful to him and he takes the longest route round things. But with encouragement and support he gets there.

I’ve stopped worrying it’s in other people’s expected timescales as he gets there in the end - in his time and within what he can manage.

Your suggestion was to keep a five year old in a car for an hour longer waiting to go to the beach so you could take your son at last minute’s notice (also completely inflexible about the pick up time) to see his friends?

YABVU. Enabling your son like this is not doing him any favours.

I can absolutely understand why you want to support DS to get out as much as possible but you don't seem to have changed how you support him since he was much younger. He may never be able to do everything an adult without autism could do, but he's still capable of growing and learning.

The fact that you told him you needed more notice and he adapted to this shows that he can understand and change - sorry but it's on you that you didn't explain one day isn't always enough and once you've made a plan you can't change it if he changes his mind. If he's able to go to the cinema on his own or catch 1 bus, for example, (fair enough changing buses might be too much) then he can sit somewhere and wait for an hour if you dropped him off at 12 like originally agreed until his friends come at 1.

It's fair enough your DH is annoyed, he clearly sees this going on for the rest of your lives.

I think you know that the supported living would be much better for your DS.

And if the beach is 45 mins away that's 1.5 both there and back for drop off, and 1.5 for picking up and return, so 5 yo an extra 3 hrs in the car?

It's not about his dad though is it? It's about a 27yr old man being able to live life in the way that he should. He shouldn't be held back because of his father. What would happen if god forbid his dad got ill? He needs some separation now so he can be an adult.

I missed that DS would probably expect a lift home at 5ish too. Which means after you’d dropped him off and gone to the beach you’d have got there about 2.15? Then had to set off back at 4.15? Doesn’t give DN a lot of time for his day out.

If your 27 year old son is independent enough to make plans to socialise with his friends, he’s also independent enough to be able to arrange his own transportation to and from those places himself. You’re not really doing him any favours running him everywhere. If anything, I think you’re actively disadvantaging him. At what seems like a cost to your own relationship.

What his dad wants really isn’t the most important thing here, it really sounds like supported accommodation is the best option for your son so that is what should happen.

I agree with supporting your DS. However, I think you need to put boundaries in place. I would be hugely frustrated if I was your DH too, keep changing plans at the last minute. It’s like no one else is important.

YANBU

I have an autistic son who is 18 and I do this. It’s not his fault that it’s not always safe for him to do so. He can do familiar bus journeys when someone is meeting him , at certain times , and he is put on the bus. But that’s it. It’s not his fault and therefore I make those sacrifices. Not sure if you have a mobility car because he can’t do the journeys himself ? I do , therefore the way I see it is his car .

I also know that if others change the times etc he gets really upset and out of sorts if he can’t.

However, if your son is able to travel independently but he prefers you to take him I would say for his own good, start being less available and encourage him to- but only if it’s safe.

Tying in a lift is fine. Changing the plans again because another time 'works better for him' is totally unreasonable. If he's capable enough to be socialising, making plans independently with friends etc then he's capable enough to be taught that his needs are not the only ones.

I started out reading your post thinking you were not unreasonable, but ended it thinking you've gone way too far.

So his Dad doesn't drive, doesn't ever go out, but you want DS to stay with his Dad or his Dad (who makes no effort for him) would miss him?

My nephew is similar to your DS. When he left residential school at 18 he went into supported living. The staff help them be more independent. He could manage short journeys on public transport alone after being there less than a year. He needs to be more independent. It sounds like your ex husband is keeping him there as an excuse not to work. But he's out in the sticks which will be harder for him to gain independence. Which makes him isolated. It sounds like he likes a routine but you aren't always be around to run around after him. There will come a time when you can no longer drive.

YABU OP and you aren’t trying to please everyone- just your son. He needs to be told that you can’t drop your plans - today won’t be much fun for your nephew - stuck in a car while you sort out your son. Once at the beach you will have leave early as you have to pick your son up again.

Your DH sounds like he is getting fed up and I don’t blame him. The assisted housing sounds like a good idea. Living in the back of beyond is not good enough if neither drives and his dad can’t be bothered getting the bus with him.

Why doesn't his dad help out with lifts, or accompany DS on the bus? And why doesn't he support the plan for a disabled living facility for DS - your XH won't be around forever so looks like plans for DS need to start being made.

I agree with your DP - it's not fair on him to constantly change plans.

The supported living sounds a good idea.

What is best for your son?

Tbh in the circumstances I can see why you try to do it as much as possible for him.

I'd probably help my son & skip seeing the ILs & taking a nephew out for the day.

Unless there's only one car & it was either or.

Your ex cannot hold his adult child hostage at home forever to suit his own needs! Is the ex disabled, is that why he can't get the 2 buses in to town to see DS if he were in supported living?

You don't agree to do something for / with someone else when you already have plans. And you certainly don't change the agenda 2000 times to suit the person you didn't make plans with first. I'd be pissed off too if I were your husband.

My oh and he also does his own shopping. He goes on public transport and goes back on public transport. He lives on the outskirts of a small town. Buses from where he lives are every hour. It takes half an hour to walk into town.