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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For agreeing to give my son a lift?

221 replies

Starcky · 27/04/2025 06:57

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

OP posts:
Summerseagull · 27/04/2025 08:11

I doubt very much people will understand who haven't got autistic adult DC .
It's hard fitting in and having a life as an autistic young adult
Anything as a parent I can do ,to make their lives easier,I will .
And I make no apologies for it
Luckily my DH feels the same as I do
I'd not be with someone who didn't understand

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 08:11

And how did he make it to 27, nearly 30!! without realising he is not the epicentre of everyone's world?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 27/04/2025 08:15

He lives with his dad, unless I've missed something why can't he give him lifts when you're busy if he can't use public transport? Or taxis?

Sorry, just reread OP's posts and see that his dad doesn't drive.

kierenthecommunity · 27/04/2025 08:15

Is DN a child? As I agree with your DH it’s not fair on him to be losing part of his trip while you ferry DS about.

I get your DS has additional needs but surely sometimes he just has to be told no, it’s just not possible today? Even children have to learn this at a young age.

What would have happened if you’d had tickets to an event or something? Would you just lose the money?

kierenthecommunity · 27/04/2025 08:16

Idontjetwashthefucker · 27/04/2025 08:15

He lives with his dad, unless I've missed something why can't he give him lifts when you're busy if he can't use public transport? Or taxis?

Sorry, just reread OP's posts and see that his dad doesn't drive.

Edited

She said the DF didn’t drive

Whaleandsnail6 · 27/04/2025 08:18

Yabvu.

Fair enough if you do not have plans but to drop or change existing plans (not going to see dh family, messing nephew around for the beach) is really unfair.

I'd be saying to son that plans need to be finalised by a Tuesday for the next weekend. Any plan that is not finalised by then, you will not be providing transport and he will either have to give it a miss or pay an uber.

Also if you already do have long-standing plans, the lift timings that you do give will have to be flexible and work around you, or again, he will have to get an uber.

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 08:19

kierenthecommunity · 27/04/2025 08:16

She said the DF didn’t drive

Show quote history

But also that they live 'in the sticks' so how do they manage day to day for work, shopping etc!
Although 'the sticks' could mean anything... for me, we are in the sticks and that means a 1.5 mile.walk along single trak then B roads to the nearest bus stop, where buses are every 2 hours and stop at 7pm!

kierenthecommunity · 27/04/2025 08:19

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 08:19

But also that they live 'in the sticks' so how do they manage day to day for work, shopping etc!
Although 'the sticks' could mean anything... for me, we are in the sticks and that means a 1.5 mile.walk along single trak then B roads to the nearest bus stop, where buses are every 2 hours and stop at 7pm!

Show quote history

Well yes, this is a good point.

Hdjdb42 · 27/04/2025 08:28

You are being massively unreasonable. I'd divorce my husband if he kept prioritising his adult son over our weekend plans! You have to explore alternative transport with your son, like uber, bus or walking! You cannot continue in this manner! Some times your son can't go to things, that's normal! If my husband has my car, I can't go places further away. You need to sit down with your son and make him more independent you're doing him no favours by treating him like a small child, you'll be gone one day and he needs to learn to be independent.

GenderFluid90 · 27/04/2025 08:31

Yabu. I'd get really frustrated if my partner kept having to rearrange everything just so they could drop everything to suit a grownups demands.

All the last minute changes to plans would really piss me off tbh.

Original poster
Starcky · 27/04/2025 08:34

Nephew is 5

OP posts:
JoyousEagle · 27/04/2025 08:37

Starcky · 27/04/2025 08:34

Nephew is 5

Your plan was the pick a 5 year old up at 12, drive to pick your son up, take your son where he wanted to go, and then go to the beach? And you think your DH is unreasonable for not thinking this is a great plan and going by himself instead? You say you try to please everyone, but that is clearly not true. You’d be better off acknowledging that you are prioritising your son, rather than expecting your DH to pretend that your plan pleased everyone when it clearly didn’t.

JustAnInchident · 27/04/2025 08:39

You’re being so unbelievably unreasonable, it’s hard to believe you could be so utterly unaware! Ridiculous to change or cancel prearranged plans at the last minute to rush around playing taxi to your adult son, autistic or no.

Talipesmum · 27/04/2025 08:41

You’re not discussing anything with your DH. You agreed to plans with him and his little nephew. Then you changed the time, then you decided that it would be fine to change it another hour later, with the 5 year old sitting in the car for an hour. In your head this is still a workable plan and everyone should be happy, but it’s really not ok to change things short notice so much especially when a 5 year old is being impacted.

Reasonable compromise might have been telling your son you can pick him up and take him at 11am and he can wait around for his friends somewhere else (cafe? Somewhere with public transport?). I appreciate you maybe cant spring this sort of suggestion on an autistic person at the last minute, but you should start setting this sort of thing as a precedent and talking to your son about it. Also talking about how you need more notice and that you won’t always be able to do the times that work best for him. Can you bring him to your house and he head off independently from there?

doodleschnoodle · 27/04/2025 08:41

‘DS is not a brat, he just doesn’t understand that his plans might impact other people and I suppose that’s my fault as I’ve never really explained that to him’

I think this is probably the time to start! Otherwise I think you’re doing him a disservice for his interactions with others and for a time when you’re no longer around. If you can begin teaching now in a gentle way, it prepares him for the reality of life ahead. So start pushing back slightly.

’Oh that doesn’t work well for me as I’ve arranged to meet Jane at 5 and it would be rude for me to be late or reschedule at such short notice. I can pick you up at 4 or you can do X. Perhaps Josh can help you get on the bus/call a taxi. Let me know what works best.’

DrummingMousWife · 27/04/2025 08:42

You are risking your marriage to be a taxi service, expecting your dh to constantly change his plans to suit the whims of your son. You are clearly being unreasonable, but you know this already. you are showing no respect to your husband and he is probably planning his exit.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 27/04/2025 08:42

Yab so u it's ridiculous / almost unbelievable

What is stopping you from paying for the taxi or kicking in a tenner to subsidise it OR just picking him up at 9am?

I feel sorry for your dh

doneandone · 27/04/2025 08:42

If he lives with his dad then can his dad do some of the drop offs and pick ups? Have you looked in to ubers?
He really needs to find a way to get there and back by himself. If he gets pip, that should be used to pay for these sort of things. If he lives with his dad then surely he has a decent amount of disposable income that he can use for this as doesn't have to pay rent, bills etc

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 08:43

@JoyousEagle they'd also have to leave wherever they were to be ready to pick up the son at 5pm or earlier if so summoned.
@Starcky how far away was ds?

minisoksmakehardwork · 27/04/2025 08:44

Yabu but I understand why. I have a 15yp asc teen and encouraging him to even go into a shop alone is difficult - he will go with friends.

Our rule is that any arrangements are best made in advance. Short notice or existing plans means he works around us. It's the same for all the kids.

Your ds's dad really needs to step up with helping though. While he cannot drive, he could help Ds make plans around public transport. Or he could help him look into local car schemes (often cheaper than taxis) if public transport is an issue. Given your Ds goes out with friends, I suspect public transport is something that could be managed with practise.

sciaticafanatica · 27/04/2025 08:44

Isn’t this the kind of thing that his pip is for??

Ellie1015 · 27/04/2025 08:44

I think it is nice to help when you can, but it is not going to be possible everytime. Or he might have to accept a lift at an earlier/later time which you can manage.

ZepherinDrouhin · 27/04/2025 08:44

He needs to learn how to drive now to help him with his independence.

Text him on Monday re his upcoming weekend plans & remind him he needs to give you a minimum of 3 days notice.

Encourage him to lift share or take a combination of public transport & uber to reduce the cost. For example, an uber to the nearest train or bus stop & then public transport rest of the way. He could offer to split petrol costs with friends.

You need to help him become independent because you and your ex won't be around permanently to care for him.

Gundogday · 27/04/2025 08:44

Fair emotion to give him a lift, but not fair to drop everything when he calls. I’m team dh here.

Anonym00se · 27/04/2025 08:45

Just to answer some points - DS is not a brat, he just doesn’t understand that his plans might impact other people and I suppose that’s my fault as I’ve never really explained that to him. A few years back I did tell him I needed more notice as he used to message me on the actual day - he then started messaging the day before.

Why have you never explained this to him? He’s 27 years old! I have a 32 year old with autism. As his mother it is my job to prepare him to cope as best he can in the world, because one day I won’t be here. Cues that a NT person would pick up easily must be taught to ND individuals, and taught hard! They can learn, and understand. It just takes a bit of leg work.